My haircut.
My second treatment was pretty uneventful. I almost was unable to get treatment because my neutrophils and white blood cells were too low. My neutrophils were .7. Standard range was 2.0- 5.0. They said if they got as low as .5 that my body wouldnt be able to keep up with its own naturally occurring bacteria and I could end up in the hospital.. Wow. They had me come in the next day for another blood draw and miraculously my neutrophils went up to 1.5! I was able to get my second treatment. They had me get on a neutropenic diet. I needed to be very careful of the bacteria I was exposing myself to. As long as my numbers were below standard range I couldnt eat any raw fruits or veggies that were not washed and peeled, no mushrooms, no blue cheese, no bulk food bins, no raw nuts, no blue cheese, no under cooked meat, no cured meat, and no buffets or salad bars. I also needed to wash my hands like crazy and wear a mask in crowded places. They also changed the steroid I was on to a "bigger" steroid. I guess the first one they were giving me could pass the placenta and they didnt want that. I didnt have the shakes and chills this time so I thought maybe that was caused by the steroid.
After the second treatment I noticed more and more hair in my brush. I started hating to shampoo my hair because it would just fall out in my fingers. I could kick clumps of hair away from the shower drain too. When you go through chemo you have so many different things happening. So many new reactions and sensations. One of the weirdest is actually feeling your hair follicles die. At first its like a tingle itch. Instead of scratching it I started pushing on my head because when I would scratch hair would come out on my hands. I specifically remember sitting on the couch and running my hands through my hair and counting the hairs. This behavior was not healthy..
One night Olivia was crawling on me while I was laying on the couch and I felt about 100 hairs rip out. It wasnt painful because my hair was barely hanging on into my head. I just remember being so shocked. I needed that hair...I went into the bathroom to look at the damage and there was definitely a thinner spot. I learned to NOT count every hair the more it fell out. I started doing things to try and keep my hair as long as possible. I wouldnt brush it as much or wash it as much, and I tried to keep my hands away from my head. Another thing that helped get through the shock of my hair falling out was cleaning my brush out after every use so there wasnt a build up in my brush. Also rolling the hair off my clothes and wherever else it fell on to. It really helped to not see it.
I took this picture the night Olivia accidentally ripped some of my hair out.
Now I am at the point where about 50% of my hair has fallen out. I think that it looks ok if I have a hat on but I wouldnt go into public without a hat. I can feel the air on my head a lot more now. Its funny because just writing about how its easier to not see my hair makes me realize it may be easier to just shave it. Slowly but surely I am working my way in that direction. I think I may be able to get another week or two with keeping enough hair for a hat. My part has definitely widened and my sides are very sparse. I have my clippers ready for when I get brave enough to take the leap. I know it will be a relief to shave it but at the same time every time I think about doing it I get very emotional.
My biggest fear about shaving my head is seeing the cancer on me physically. I have scars from my biopsy and port but I can hide those. I feel like myself for the most part. Once my hair is gone I will be reminded every time I touch my head or look in the mirror. I will not feel as pretty or feminine. Ryan says he is going to love me no matter what. I believe he will but its still something I will be insecure about. Its going to change so many things. People are going to know that I am sick.. or have cancer. Shaving your head is like coming out to the world on a whole new level. Once I shave it I plan on wearing a wrap, hat or wig when I go out. Dealing with people staring will also difficult. I have had a little taste of this from the times I have had to wear a mask in public. Children ask their moms why I am wearing a mask. Even grown ass adults stare... I found that it is easier for me to look down at the floor than into people's faces. I know they are curious but sometimes staring is just not appropriate. Sorry guy.. you are not going to get answers by staring longer..
Some friends and family offered to shave their heads when I decided I was going to. The thought of this made me feel queasy. I could barely stomach the thought of looking at myself with no hair.. I really didnt want to see more and more bald heads around me.. especially on my healthy friends and family. It would just be more and more reminders that I had cancer. I couldnt handle that.. so with each supportive suggestion I just told them that I really wasnt comfortable with that. For them I think it was a surprising response but I wanted them to know my reasoning. I know some people with cancer find strength and support when their friends or family do this with them but I guess I have a different point of view. It would hurt me to see them like that. I also do hair.. and I want them to have their hair.. Hair is beautiful and expressive. It can say so much about a person. This is one thing that adds to my struggle over hair loss. I LOVE hair.
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