I had posted some of these lists on Facebook but continually think of new things to add.
Things to do once my neutropenia goes away:
-Eat a shit ton of salad and fresh fruit.
-Eat eggs with runny yolk.
-Get a pedicure.
Things to do before baby girl #2 gets here:
-Take family/maternity pictures.
-Take Olivia to the Zoo.
-Start behavior training with the dogs.
-Introduce Olivia to her new potty.
-Give Olivia her first haircut.
Things to do once I am no longer pregnant:
-Go to 6 flags.
-Shoot some guns.
-Go fishing.. and really learn and take notes from my Dad. I need to know specific knots to tie, sizes of hooks and weights and different bate for each kind of fish. I also need to learn about tides and which fish are in certain bodies of water.
Things to do once my treatment is over:
-Have a celebratory drink.
-Get my family and friends together to celebrate.
-Focus on my health.. meet my goal weight.
-Return to work.
-Enjoy every stage of my hair growing out.
Things to do in the future:
-Take the girls to Disneyland.
-Go to Hawaii.
-Go to Italy.
**I will be adding to this later**
Monday, January 28, 2013
The girls room.
We will be having the girls share a room and I am pretty sure I want to change the theme a bit. Right now Olivia's room is pink and brown lady bugs. I think I want to have more of a no theme room.. Pale grey and pale pink. I love different prints like herringbone, polka dots, and chevron. I have been trolling etsy.com and getting super excited over the cute pink and grey things they have for nurseries. I could totally make some of the wall decor too! Between etsy.com and pinterest.com I think I could make their room AMAZING!!
Right now Olivia has espresso furniture. I think white would look a little better with pink and grey but espresso will just have to work. We still need to order another crib and mattress. I keep putting it off because its $50 more than when we bought Olivia's crib. We also have to buy the mattress separately this time. When we bought Olivia's mattress it was in store and we got a free mattress with the purchase of the crib.. not so lucky this time.
Since the girls will be sharing a room we will have it set up like this. Dresser under the window and crib on each side.
Here is some wall art that I love.. and that I think I could make myself..
Right now Olivia has espresso furniture. I think white would look a little better with pink and grey but espresso will just have to work. We still need to order another crib and mattress. I keep putting it off because its $50 more than when we bought Olivia's crib. We also have to buy the mattress separately this time. When we bought Olivia's mattress it was in store and we got a free mattress with the purchase of the crib.. not so lucky this time.
Here is some wall art that I love.. and that I think I could make myself..
And here is a rug that I love from urban outfitters.
Most of these little details are grey but the crib bedding we have is pale pink. We also have pink in other areas of the room like the changing pad cover, diaper holder, laundry hamper and sock and bib baskets. Looking at these pictures all together really excites me. I have some work to do!!
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Gall stones and fifth treatment.
I had made a heavy meal on Sunday and was definitely feeling the effects. I ate three Gaviscon in hopes that it would kill my heartburn. No matter how much I know something is going to give me heartburn it didn't seem to matter if I was craving it.. stupid hot link. Around 1:30 am I woke up with a horrible pain in my right side. I couldn't keep laying so I tried to go to the bathroom. It was an awful pain that wrapped itself around my right side and into my back. It felt like a sword was through me. I couldn't get comfortable in any position I was in. After about 15 minutes of supporting my weight on the bathroom counter I felt like I needed to wake up Ryan. I didn't know if maybe I needed to go to the ER or what. He woke up and started rubbing my back. He said it sounded like a gas bubble. Ok..well I'm not going to the ER for them to tell me I have gas. So I kept swaying and breathing and finally got into this fetal type position. The pain was tolerable enough to fall back asleep. I messaged my doctor about the pain attack the fallowing day. Of course I missed his call and tried calling him back and he never got that message.
I had experienced a dull pain in my right side the whole day and started looking into what it could be. Of course I called my mom and she immediately said it sounded like gall stones. Of course I started dr.googling everything and found out that pregnancy can make your gallbladder more reactive and that some people have to have it removed during their pregnancy. I wasn't for sure that it was even what I had but I definitely started worrying about having another surgery while I was pregnant. I finally got a hold of Dr. L and we talked a bit about what was going on. He said that my MRI did show that I had gallstones and that one was probably trying to pass. That night I managed to take my Gaviscon but I couldn't stomach the thought of taking my iron or prenatal. When I had acid reflux and took my iron it quickly dissolves it and makes a nasty taste in my mouth and throat. I woke up at 11:30 in pain. I immediately got into the child's pose and started rocking back and forth. I didn't want to wake up Ryan or the baby so I just suffered in silence.
The next morning I messaged Dr.L again. I told him about the second attack and how I didn't think it was gas pain. I looked up a diagram of the female organs and its was definitely in the liver or gallbladder area. He told me that the pre-chemo blood work will show my liver function. I went in for my blood work and the bile in my blood was normal but there were two liver enzymes that were very high. He called me again and explained that we might have to delay treatment again but he wanted me to come in so we could retest my blood and see if there was any improvement. I talked to friends and family and my step sister told me a little about her liver problems. She said that iron and vitamins can flare your liver and that I should probably lay off until I had my blood work. That night I didn't take any pills and I didn't have a pain attack.
So now it was Thursday.. treatment day.. This was going to be Ryan's first time coming with me to a treatment because usually they are scheduled for Wednesdays and he works. We still didn't know if I was going to get my treatment but it didn't matter. Off we went to Kaiser. We showed up thirty minutes early because Dr.L told me to get there early for another liver function test. Of course the computer system was down and the two receptionists had no idea what they were doing. The line started piling up and I suggested that we all just give her our medical cards and go have a seat. We went to sit in the reception area and she eventually came over with our papers and treatment bands. I gave my white copy to the volunteer at the oncology desk and she told me I wouldn't be brought back until 8:30.. Dang it. I explained to her that my doctor wanted me to come in early to run a test before my treatment. I didn't want my frustration to show because all the little volunteer ladies are nice, grandma-like ladies. She told me she would go talk with my nurse. Of course I was taken back immediately and I was happy to know that I had Sam as my nurse. She was the nurse that gave me my first treatment.
Sam inserted my IV into my port. I noticed Ryan looked away. I could imagine it being a little uncomfortable to watch. She flushed me and drew more blood for my liver function test. Another volunteer came around asking if I was interested in a warm blanket or some juice. I asked for some ice water. Ryan and I talked while we waited for my results. I kept looking at my phone because I always get notified through my email once I have new lab results. When I opened my results I was pleasantly surprised. The numbers went down a lot! Yes!
Another volunteer came and handed me a bag and said it was a gift. In the bag was a small crocheted lap blanket. It was made with multiple different yarns. There was no method to the colors or yarns used. You can tell the person just connected the next color when the other ran out. For some reason I really liked my new blanket though. It was like my garbage yarn blanket. I plan on bringing it to the rest of my treatments and its the perfect size for the girls to play on when they get older. Instead of it just being my treatment blanket I could see it being so much more. I could see my daughters playing tea on it or playing with their barbies on it. It was definitely a good gift.
My "garbage" blanket.
Sam came back over and said she was going to start prepping me for treatment. Ryan did really well but I could tell he was getting bored. The chairs they have for your guest are not exactly the most comfortable.. especially if you have to sit in it for 4 hours. We started trying to decide what we wanted for lunch and soon enough it was over. We waited around for about 15 minutes just to make sure I wouldn't have a reaction and we left. I was glad that Ryan didn't have to deal with seeing me react to treatment. I don't want ANYONE to have to see that but my mom has seen it twice and I feel like she can handle it. Ryan told me on the elevator ride down to our car that he didn't think he could handle seeing it. I personally think he could. He has had to witness a lot of scary things with me so far.
We got home and Olivia was napping. My Mom was in super mom clean mode.. which I always appreciate. Had our lunch and Dr.L called me. He said he really thought I passed a gall stone. He said especially with the spike in the enzymes and then it coming down so quickly. He also said that there wasn't a blockage because my bile levels were still in standard range. It was a relief but I still wonder if it will happen again in the future. He did say I had multiple stones. Just another surgery to look forward to. I hope to get through the rest of my pregnancy and treatments before having to get my gall bladder removed. Sometimes its weird to think about the human body. I know the liver can heal itself over time but there are some organs that do not. I know that chemo can effect your heart and other organs and that is a bit scary. My family history for heart related problems is already a concern without throwing chemo into the mix. I just pray for the best and hope that this body can get me through many many decades of life.
I had experienced a dull pain in my right side the whole day and started looking into what it could be. Of course I called my mom and she immediately said it sounded like gall stones. Of course I started dr.googling everything and found out that pregnancy can make your gallbladder more reactive and that some people have to have it removed during their pregnancy. I wasn't for sure that it was even what I had but I definitely started worrying about having another surgery while I was pregnant. I finally got a hold of Dr. L and we talked a bit about what was going on. He said that my MRI did show that I had gallstones and that one was probably trying to pass. That night I managed to take my Gaviscon but I couldn't stomach the thought of taking my iron or prenatal. When I had acid reflux and took my iron it quickly dissolves it and makes a nasty taste in my mouth and throat. I woke up at 11:30 in pain. I immediately got into the child's pose and started rocking back and forth. I didn't want to wake up Ryan or the baby so I just suffered in silence.
The next morning I messaged Dr.L again. I told him about the second attack and how I didn't think it was gas pain. I looked up a diagram of the female organs and its was definitely in the liver or gallbladder area. He told me that the pre-chemo blood work will show my liver function. I went in for my blood work and the bile in my blood was normal but there were two liver enzymes that were very high. He called me again and explained that we might have to delay treatment again but he wanted me to come in so we could retest my blood and see if there was any improvement. I talked to friends and family and my step sister told me a little about her liver problems. She said that iron and vitamins can flare your liver and that I should probably lay off until I had my blood work. That night I didn't take any pills and I didn't have a pain attack.
So now it was Thursday.. treatment day.. This was going to be Ryan's first time coming with me to a treatment because usually they are scheduled for Wednesdays and he works. We still didn't know if I was going to get my treatment but it didn't matter. Off we went to Kaiser. We showed up thirty minutes early because Dr.L told me to get there early for another liver function test. Of course the computer system was down and the two receptionists had no idea what they were doing. The line started piling up and I suggested that we all just give her our medical cards and go have a seat. We went to sit in the reception area and she eventually came over with our papers and treatment bands. I gave my white copy to the volunteer at the oncology desk and she told me I wouldn't be brought back until 8:30.. Dang it. I explained to her that my doctor wanted me to come in early to run a test before my treatment. I didn't want my frustration to show because all the little volunteer ladies are nice, grandma-like ladies. She told me she would go talk with my nurse. Of course I was taken back immediately and I was happy to know that I had Sam as my nurse. She was the nurse that gave me my first treatment.
Sam inserted my IV into my port. I noticed Ryan looked away. I could imagine it being a little uncomfortable to watch. She flushed me and drew more blood for my liver function test. Another volunteer came around asking if I was interested in a warm blanket or some juice. I asked for some ice water. Ryan and I talked while we waited for my results. I kept looking at my phone because I always get notified through my email once I have new lab results. When I opened my results I was pleasantly surprised. The numbers went down a lot! Yes!
Another volunteer came and handed me a bag and said it was a gift. In the bag was a small crocheted lap blanket. It was made with multiple different yarns. There was no method to the colors or yarns used. You can tell the person just connected the next color when the other ran out. For some reason I really liked my new blanket though. It was like my garbage yarn blanket. I plan on bringing it to the rest of my treatments and its the perfect size for the girls to play on when they get older. Instead of it just being my treatment blanket I could see it being so much more. I could see my daughters playing tea on it or playing with their barbies on it. It was definitely a good gift.
My "garbage" blanket.
Sam came back over and said she was going to start prepping me for treatment. Ryan did really well but I could tell he was getting bored. The chairs they have for your guest are not exactly the most comfortable.. especially if you have to sit in it for 4 hours. We started trying to decide what we wanted for lunch and soon enough it was over. We waited around for about 15 minutes just to make sure I wouldn't have a reaction and we left. I was glad that Ryan didn't have to deal with seeing me react to treatment. I don't want ANYONE to have to see that but my mom has seen it twice and I feel like she can handle it. Ryan told me on the elevator ride down to our car that he didn't think he could handle seeing it. I personally think he could. He has had to witness a lot of scary things with me so far.
We got home and Olivia was napping. My Mom was in super mom clean mode.. which I always appreciate. Had our lunch and Dr.L called me. He said he really thought I passed a gall stone. He said especially with the spike in the enzymes and then it coming down so quickly. He also said that there wasn't a blockage because my bile levels were still in standard range. It was a relief but I still wonder if it will happen again in the future. He did say I had multiple stones. Just another surgery to look forward to. I hope to get through the rest of my pregnancy and treatments before having to get my gall bladder removed. Sometimes its weird to think about the human body. I know the liver can heal itself over time but there are some organs that do not. I know that chemo can effect your heart and other organs and that is a bit scary. My family history for heart related problems is already a concern without throwing chemo into the mix. I just pray for the best and hope that this body can get me through many many decades of life.
Pregnant with CANCER.
I came to realize that I only have 8-10 weeks left of pregnancy. This pregnancy has not been the same as my first for obvious reasons. One thing that makes me very sad is how my focus has not really been on my pregnancy... really no ones focus has been on my pregnancy. With Olivia is was all smiles and joy and asking how my pregnancy was going, how the baby was doing and how I was feeling. This time its how is your treatment going, how are you feeling and then how is the baby doing. I am not angry toward people for this AT ALL.. Its just a big change from the first time.
With Olivia I took a picture of my belly almost every week starting around 17 weeks. This time I don't think I have ever taken a picture of my belly. Its not that I am not proud or that I feel like I have been there done that.. its more like I forgot to. Its really sad to say it like that but with my treatment, the holidays and running after Olivia its harder to find time to do that. I also have a ton of ultrasound pictures I would like to upload and share with people of baby girl but I just haven't had the time to scan them and upload them. I feel like I haven't had the energy to be as excited this time and it makes me sad. Most of my feelings about the pregnancy have been centered around anxiety or sadness and its just wrong.
I have also realized is in a very short amount of time Olivia is not going to be an only child. The list of things I want to do with her before the new baby gets here keeps growing and time keeps passing. There are so many experiences that I want Olivia to have. I know she will not remember things from being this young but it would be nice for Ryan and I to have those memories and pictures. These are her last days of being an only child and I want to make the best of them.
I do not want to let my cancer take anything away from my family. Some things I would like to do before the baby gets here are take Olivia to the zoo, get professional family pictures, bring Olivia to Pena Adobe to feed the ducks, finger paint, give Olivia her first haircut, and so much more. I think these things are all achievable. Once her baby sister gets here I want to make sure she still feels loved. I want to make sure I don't lose my patience with her because I am stressed over having a newborn. I hope to find a new routine very quickly once baby girl gets here.
28 weeks pregnant.
I was informed that I cannot breastfeed this time either. I wasn't very successful breast feeding Olivia but I was also very depressed over having a c section and I was suffering from postpartum anxiety. This time I was going to set myself very short term goals and try to relax. I knew how to use nipple shields properly now, I knew that the chance of me having a c section was probable and I knew what to expect if I did have a c section. For some reason the fact that I couldn't try to breast feed really rubbed me the wrong way. I really wanted to try.. even if it was for a couple weeks. I know the benefits of colostrum and new milk and it makes me sad that my daughter would not be able to get that. It also makes me sad that I will not get to have that special bonding time with her. As a mom.. one of the most beautiful things you could do is nourish your child with your milk. I took it for granted with Olivia. Now I appreciate that I was able to do it with Olivia even if it was for a short time.
My hopes are to get induced at 37 weeks and be able to deliver vaginally. Having another c section would be ok but I really want to experience birthing my daughter. A vaginal birth would be favorable because I could heal faster and leave the hospital faster. I really do not want to be away from Olivia for four days. I also don't want to have to have someone take care of her and the dogs for that long either. I know family is perfectly capable of taking care of her but I would prefer to be home as a family as soon as possible. I also hope we have a name for her by then!!! With Olivia we knew right away. This time around we had a boy name picked out early but no girl names. We were for sure we were having a boy with how differently this pregnancy had been going.. HAHA WRONG!
With Olivia I took a picture of my belly almost every week starting around 17 weeks. This time I don't think I have ever taken a picture of my belly. Its not that I am not proud or that I feel like I have been there done that.. its more like I forgot to. Its really sad to say it like that but with my treatment, the holidays and running after Olivia its harder to find time to do that. I also have a ton of ultrasound pictures I would like to upload and share with people of baby girl but I just haven't had the time to scan them and upload them. I feel like I haven't had the energy to be as excited this time and it makes me sad. Most of my feelings about the pregnancy have been centered around anxiety or sadness and its just wrong.
I have also realized is in a very short amount of time Olivia is not going to be an only child. The list of things I want to do with her before the new baby gets here keeps growing and time keeps passing. There are so many experiences that I want Olivia to have. I know she will not remember things from being this young but it would be nice for Ryan and I to have those memories and pictures. These are her last days of being an only child and I want to make the best of them.
I do not want to let my cancer take anything away from my family. Some things I would like to do before the baby gets here are take Olivia to the zoo, get professional family pictures, bring Olivia to Pena Adobe to feed the ducks, finger paint, give Olivia her first haircut, and so much more. I think these things are all achievable. Once her baby sister gets here I want to make sure she still feels loved. I want to make sure I don't lose my patience with her because I am stressed over having a newborn. I hope to find a new routine very quickly once baby girl gets here.
28 weeks pregnant.
I was informed that I cannot breastfeed this time either. I wasn't very successful breast feeding Olivia but I was also very depressed over having a c section and I was suffering from postpartum anxiety. This time I was going to set myself very short term goals and try to relax. I knew how to use nipple shields properly now, I knew that the chance of me having a c section was probable and I knew what to expect if I did have a c section. For some reason the fact that I couldn't try to breast feed really rubbed me the wrong way. I really wanted to try.. even if it was for a couple weeks. I know the benefits of colostrum and new milk and it makes me sad that my daughter would not be able to get that. It also makes me sad that I will not get to have that special bonding time with her. As a mom.. one of the most beautiful things you could do is nourish your child with your milk. I took it for granted with Olivia. Now I appreciate that I was able to do it with Olivia even if it was for a short time.
My hopes are to get induced at 37 weeks and be able to deliver vaginally. Having another c section would be ok but I really want to experience birthing my daughter. A vaginal birth would be favorable because I could heal faster and leave the hospital faster. I really do not want to be away from Olivia for four days. I also don't want to have to have someone take care of her and the dogs for that long either. I know family is perfectly capable of taking care of her but I would prefer to be home as a family as soon as possible. I also hope we have a name for her by then!!! With Olivia we knew right away. This time around we had a boy name picked out early but no girl names. We were for sure we were having a boy with how differently this pregnancy had been going.. HAHA WRONG!
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Third/fourth treatment.
My third treatment was pretty normal until we got into the car to leave. I was really hungry and just wanted some BJs soup. We left to go to the resturaunt and I started getting the chills and shakes in the car but insisted that we wait it out. After about fifteen minutes in the BJs parking lot my mom drove me back to kaiser. She wheeled me back up to oncology and they basically treated me the same. Gave me another tylenol, wrapped me up in warm blankets and waited it out. My body was so tense that it felt like I had just run a marathon. It took longer to calm down than it had the first time.They had given me the same steroids as they did for the second treatment so I no longer thought I was reacting to those. The reaction had to be from one of the four chemos. For some reason the doctor didnt seem too concerned. He said some people react differently and it can be different for each treatment.
The fallowing week we saw Dr. P and the baby was looking great. She was growing ahead of schedule and had really good amniotic fluid. He said as long as she kept growing he didnt see any reason on taking her any earlier than 35-37 weeks. It was a relief because I couldnt imagine having to leave the hospital without my baby. The longer she can stay in to cook the more likely we could leave with her. The only thing that bothered me was the longer she was still in me.. the more chemo she would be exposed to. Both my oncologist and perinatologist are confident that my placenta is protecting her from the bulk of the chemo but its still a concern. I sometimes think of how we would deal with growth restrictions or developmental restrictions. I pray for perfect health and that none of these conditions will occur.. but I am also realistic and know that there is a chance of something like that happening. I feel like if something like that did become my reality that I would do everything in my power to give her what she needed. I would also feel really guilty if she had a condition brought on by being exposed to chemo. It wouldnt be fair that her health was compromised for my health. She didnt get to have a say in this... I realize that these are all things that may not even happen so I try not to dwell on them.. or let them get me down too much. We will just have to take things as they come.
My fourth treatment was a bit of a cluster f*ck. It was scheduled for January 2, 2013. I had to get my blood work done on New Years day in Vallejo because the Vacaville infusion clinic was closed. Ryan had New Years day off so we went to Vallejo together. The clinic was about half the size and not private at all. It was just a bunch of chairs in a large room. One nurse was working the front counter and one was doing the blood draws and chemo treatments. The nurse checked me in and had me sit back in a chair. She asked me what my blood draw was for.. Really? Sometimes I feel like people lack common sense. If you are in the medical field you should at least look at the patients chart. It is amazing to me how many times nurses didnt read my chart. After waiting a good half an hour the male nurse came over to set up my port draw. He asked me what I needed it for.. Um.. seriously? Finally I said its a pre-chemo blood draw. He did his thing and we left.
Usually the lab results show up online a couple hours after my port draws. I expected them to take a little longer.. and they did. I knew how to look at my neutrophils and white blood cells and was annoyed when the results were listed in different terms. I didnt hear anything from Oncology so I thought my results were fine. My Mom, Aunt and Gram came the next morning and my Mom and I went to oncology. They sat me down and we waited for about fifteen minutes. A nurse came over and said I couldnt have my treatment. My blood levels were too low again. The flood of emotions were overwhelming. I had posted earlier on facebook about how excited I was to be a third of the way through my treatments.. Now I was being sent home. She said Dr. L wanted to delay it a week and that we would have to reschedule all of my next appointments. Great. My Mom and Aunt took off work for nothing.. I wasnt getting my fourth treatment and I couldnt really do anything besides wait for my numbers to go up.
The fallowing week came fairly quickly and I had my new blood draw. My numbers not only went up but they were in standard range. I was eating a salad!! I went to Olive Garden and got soup and salad to go. It had been at least a month since I had something raw and crunchy. It was amazing. I savored my whole salad and then moved on to my soup. My Mom came for my treatment and Kamii watched Olivia. My Gram had gotten a cold and we didnt want to chance bringing it around again. December was already a nightmare with Olivia and Ryan both sick.. My treatment went fairly smooth. We had to wait for my steroids to be brought up because for some reason they didnt have their stuff together before we got there. The nurse said I was the only patient that needed the special steroid.. well yea.. I am sure I am the only pregnant chemo patient you are treating here. She was an odd nurse. She definitely over shared about her life. I just wanted to read my book.. I didnt need to know about your two bi-polar children, your cocker spaniel with eczema, your love interest from high school or your weird medical conditions. When my treatment was over I was relieved. We waited about 20 minutes in the infusion center just to make sure I wasnt going to have a reaction. We were good to go. We picked up Olivia from Kamii's.. and went home.
The fallowing week we saw Dr. P and the baby was looking great. She was growing ahead of schedule and had really good amniotic fluid. He said as long as she kept growing he didnt see any reason on taking her any earlier than 35-37 weeks. It was a relief because I couldnt imagine having to leave the hospital without my baby. The longer she can stay in to cook the more likely we could leave with her. The only thing that bothered me was the longer she was still in me.. the more chemo she would be exposed to. Both my oncologist and perinatologist are confident that my placenta is protecting her from the bulk of the chemo but its still a concern. I sometimes think of how we would deal with growth restrictions or developmental restrictions. I pray for perfect health and that none of these conditions will occur.. but I am also realistic and know that there is a chance of something like that happening. I feel like if something like that did become my reality that I would do everything in my power to give her what she needed. I would also feel really guilty if she had a condition brought on by being exposed to chemo. It wouldnt be fair that her health was compromised for my health. She didnt get to have a say in this... I realize that these are all things that may not even happen so I try not to dwell on them.. or let them get me down too much. We will just have to take things as they come.
My fourth treatment was a bit of a cluster f*ck. It was scheduled for January 2, 2013. I had to get my blood work done on New Years day in Vallejo because the Vacaville infusion clinic was closed. Ryan had New Years day off so we went to Vallejo together. The clinic was about half the size and not private at all. It was just a bunch of chairs in a large room. One nurse was working the front counter and one was doing the blood draws and chemo treatments. The nurse checked me in and had me sit back in a chair. She asked me what my blood draw was for.. Really? Sometimes I feel like people lack common sense. If you are in the medical field you should at least look at the patients chart. It is amazing to me how many times nurses didnt read my chart. After waiting a good half an hour the male nurse came over to set up my port draw. He asked me what I needed it for.. Um.. seriously? Finally I said its a pre-chemo blood draw. He did his thing and we left.
Usually the lab results show up online a couple hours after my port draws. I expected them to take a little longer.. and they did. I knew how to look at my neutrophils and white blood cells and was annoyed when the results were listed in different terms. I didnt hear anything from Oncology so I thought my results were fine. My Mom, Aunt and Gram came the next morning and my Mom and I went to oncology. They sat me down and we waited for about fifteen minutes. A nurse came over and said I couldnt have my treatment. My blood levels were too low again. The flood of emotions were overwhelming. I had posted earlier on facebook about how excited I was to be a third of the way through my treatments.. Now I was being sent home. She said Dr. L wanted to delay it a week and that we would have to reschedule all of my next appointments. Great. My Mom and Aunt took off work for nothing.. I wasnt getting my fourth treatment and I couldnt really do anything besides wait for my numbers to go up.
The fallowing week came fairly quickly and I had my new blood draw. My numbers not only went up but they were in standard range. I was eating a salad!! I went to Olive Garden and got soup and salad to go. It had been at least a month since I had something raw and crunchy. It was amazing. I savored my whole salad and then moved on to my soup. My Mom came for my treatment and Kamii watched Olivia. My Gram had gotten a cold and we didnt want to chance bringing it around again. December was already a nightmare with Olivia and Ryan both sick.. My treatment went fairly smooth. We had to wait for my steroids to be brought up because for some reason they didnt have their stuff together before we got there. The nurse said I was the only patient that needed the special steroid.. well yea.. I am sure I am the only pregnant chemo patient you are treating here. She was an odd nurse. She definitely over shared about her life. I just wanted to read my book.. I didnt need to know about your two bi-polar children, your cocker spaniel with eczema, your love interest from high school or your weird medical conditions. When my treatment was over I was relieved. We waited about 20 minutes in the infusion center just to make sure I wasnt going to have a reaction. We were good to go. We picked up Olivia from Kamii's.. and went home.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Hair loss.
December 1 I decided I wanted to cut my hair. I had no reason to keep the length anymore. I had been wanting a cute long bob for months. The amount of split ends I had was pretty ridiculous considering my occupation. I text a few girls at the shop and Julie was able to get me in. I was really excited to have healthy hair again.. even if it was only for a short time. Since having my first treatment I didnt notice it falling out so I was pleased with that. I showed Julie this picture of Jennifer Aniston with a long wavy bob. She cut 8 inches from the back and 6 from the front. Such a relief. I wondered how many more treatments I could go through with keeping my hair.
My haircut.
My second treatment was pretty uneventful. I almost was unable to get treatment because my neutrophils and white blood cells were too low. My neutrophils were .7. Standard range was 2.0- 5.0. They said if they got as low as .5 that my body wouldnt be able to keep up with its own naturally occurring bacteria and I could end up in the hospital.. Wow. They had me come in the next day for another blood draw and miraculously my neutrophils went up to 1.5! I was able to get my second treatment. They had me get on a neutropenic diet. I needed to be very careful of the bacteria I was exposing myself to. As long as my numbers were below standard range I couldnt eat any raw fruits or veggies that were not washed and peeled, no mushrooms, no blue cheese, no bulk food bins, no raw nuts, no blue cheese, no under cooked meat, no cured meat, and no buffets or salad bars. I also needed to wash my hands like crazy and wear a mask in crowded places. They also changed the steroid I was on to a "bigger" steroid. I guess the first one they were giving me could pass the placenta and they didnt want that. I didnt have the shakes and chills this time so I thought maybe that was caused by the steroid.
After the second treatment I noticed more and more hair in my brush. I started hating to shampoo my hair because it would just fall out in my fingers. I could kick clumps of hair away from the shower drain too. When you go through chemo you have so many different things happening. So many new reactions and sensations. One of the weirdest is actually feeling your hair follicles die. At first its like a tingle itch. Instead of scratching it I started pushing on my head because when I would scratch hair would come out on my hands. I specifically remember sitting on the couch and running my hands through my hair and counting the hairs. This behavior was not healthy..
One night Olivia was crawling on me while I was laying on the couch and I felt about 100 hairs rip out. It wasnt painful because my hair was barely hanging on into my head. I just remember being so shocked. I needed that hair...I went into the bathroom to look at the damage and there was definitely a thinner spot. I learned to NOT count every hair the more it fell out. I started doing things to try and keep my hair as long as possible. I wouldnt brush it as much or wash it as much, and I tried to keep my hands away from my head. Another thing that helped get through the shock of my hair falling out was cleaning my brush out after every use so there wasnt a build up in my brush. Also rolling the hair off my clothes and wherever else it fell on to. It really helped to not see it.
I took this picture the night Olivia accidentally ripped some of my hair out.
Now I am at the point where about 50% of my hair has fallen out. I think that it looks ok if I have a hat on but I wouldnt go into public without a hat. I can feel the air on my head a lot more now. Its funny because just writing about how its easier to not see my hair makes me realize it may be easier to just shave it. Slowly but surely I am working my way in that direction. I think I may be able to get another week or two with keeping enough hair for a hat. My part has definitely widened and my sides are very sparse. I have my clippers ready for when I get brave enough to take the leap. I know it will be a relief to shave it but at the same time every time I think about doing it I get very emotional.
My biggest fear about shaving my head is seeing the cancer on me physically. I have scars from my biopsy and port but I can hide those. I feel like myself for the most part. Once my hair is gone I will be reminded every time I touch my head or look in the mirror. I will not feel as pretty or feminine. Ryan says he is going to love me no matter what. I believe he will but its still something I will be insecure about. Its going to change so many things. People are going to know that I am sick.. or have cancer. Shaving your head is like coming out to the world on a whole new level. Once I shave it I plan on wearing a wrap, hat or wig when I go out. Dealing with people staring will also difficult. I have had a little taste of this from the times I have had to wear a mask in public. Children ask their moms why I am wearing a mask. Even grown ass adults stare... I found that it is easier for me to look down at the floor than into people's faces. I know they are curious but sometimes staring is just not appropriate. Sorry guy.. you are not going to get answers by staring longer..
Some friends and family offered to shave their heads when I decided I was going to. The thought of this made me feel queasy. I could barely stomach the thought of looking at myself with no hair.. I really didnt want to see more and more bald heads around me.. especially on my healthy friends and family. It would just be more and more reminders that I had cancer. I couldnt handle that.. so with each supportive suggestion I just told them that I really wasnt comfortable with that. For them I think it was a surprising response but I wanted them to know my reasoning. I know some people with cancer find strength and support when their friends or family do this with them but I guess I have a different point of view. It would hurt me to see them like that. I also do hair.. and I want them to have their hair.. Hair is beautiful and expressive. It can say so much about a person. This is one thing that adds to my struggle over hair loss. I LOVE hair.
My haircut.
My second treatment was pretty uneventful. I almost was unable to get treatment because my neutrophils and white blood cells were too low. My neutrophils were .7. Standard range was 2.0- 5.0. They said if they got as low as .5 that my body wouldnt be able to keep up with its own naturally occurring bacteria and I could end up in the hospital.. Wow. They had me come in the next day for another blood draw and miraculously my neutrophils went up to 1.5! I was able to get my second treatment. They had me get on a neutropenic diet. I needed to be very careful of the bacteria I was exposing myself to. As long as my numbers were below standard range I couldnt eat any raw fruits or veggies that were not washed and peeled, no mushrooms, no blue cheese, no bulk food bins, no raw nuts, no blue cheese, no under cooked meat, no cured meat, and no buffets or salad bars. I also needed to wash my hands like crazy and wear a mask in crowded places. They also changed the steroid I was on to a "bigger" steroid. I guess the first one they were giving me could pass the placenta and they didnt want that. I didnt have the shakes and chills this time so I thought maybe that was caused by the steroid.
After the second treatment I noticed more and more hair in my brush. I started hating to shampoo my hair because it would just fall out in my fingers. I could kick clumps of hair away from the shower drain too. When you go through chemo you have so many different things happening. So many new reactions and sensations. One of the weirdest is actually feeling your hair follicles die. At first its like a tingle itch. Instead of scratching it I started pushing on my head because when I would scratch hair would come out on my hands. I specifically remember sitting on the couch and running my hands through my hair and counting the hairs. This behavior was not healthy..
One night Olivia was crawling on me while I was laying on the couch and I felt about 100 hairs rip out. It wasnt painful because my hair was barely hanging on into my head. I just remember being so shocked. I needed that hair...I went into the bathroom to look at the damage and there was definitely a thinner spot. I learned to NOT count every hair the more it fell out. I started doing things to try and keep my hair as long as possible. I wouldnt brush it as much or wash it as much, and I tried to keep my hands away from my head. Another thing that helped get through the shock of my hair falling out was cleaning my brush out after every use so there wasnt a build up in my brush. Also rolling the hair off my clothes and wherever else it fell on to. It really helped to not see it.
I took this picture the night Olivia accidentally ripped some of my hair out.
Now I am at the point where about 50% of my hair has fallen out. I think that it looks ok if I have a hat on but I wouldnt go into public without a hat. I can feel the air on my head a lot more now. Its funny because just writing about how its easier to not see my hair makes me realize it may be easier to just shave it. Slowly but surely I am working my way in that direction. I think I may be able to get another week or two with keeping enough hair for a hat. My part has definitely widened and my sides are very sparse. I have my clippers ready for when I get brave enough to take the leap. I know it will be a relief to shave it but at the same time every time I think about doing it I get very emotional.
My biggest fear about shaving my head is seeing the cancer on me physically. I have scars from my biopsy and port but I can hide those. I feel like myself for the most part. Once my hair is gone I will be reminded every time I touch my head or look in the mirror. I will not feel as pretty or feminine. Ryan says he is going to love me no matter what. I believe he will but its still something I will be insecure about. Its going to change so many things. People are going to know that I am sick.. or have cancer. Shaving your head is like coming out to the world on a whole new level. Once I shave it I plan on wearing a wrap, hat or wig when I go out. Dealing with people staring will also difficult. I have had a little taste of this from the times I have had to wear a mask in public. Children ask their moms why I am wearing a mask. Even grown ass adults stare... I found that it is easier for me to look down at the floor than into people's faces. I know they are curious but sometimes staring is just not appropriate. Sorry guy.. you are not going to get answers by staring longer..
Some friends and family offered to shave their heads when I decided I was going to. The thought of this made me feel queasy. I could barely stomach the thought of looking at myself with no hair.. I really didnt want to see more and more bald heads around me.. especially on my healthy friends and family. It would just be more and more reminders that I had cancer. I couldnt handle that.. so with each supportive suggestion I just told them that I really wasnt comfortable with that. For them I think it was a surprising response but I wanted them to know my reasoning. I know some people with cancer find strength and support when their friends or family do this with them but I guess I have a different point of view. It would hurt me to see them like that. I also do hair.. and I want them to have their hair.. Hair is beautiful and expressive. It can say so much about a person. This is one thing that adds to my struggle over hair loss. I LOVE hair.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Coming Out.
Before I move on to my next treatments, I want to talk a little bit about announcing to everyone that I had cancer. I had already mentioned on Facebook and to some clients that I was having a biopsy performed. They knew when I was having the procedure, and they knew that it would take about ten days to receive the results. I felt some pressure to let everyone know my results immediately after being so open about the biopsy, but I wanted to have as much information as possible before I told the world I had cancer. I wanted to know the stage and our plan for the baby growing inside of me.
In the meantime, it was nice that my family and close friends knew about everything. I could talk to them and vent when I needed. They started helping out with Olivia and bringing meals over. I also had my Mom Group that I had mentioned before. They all knew what was going on basically as soon as I did. They were all very supportive, and the out pour of love and support from them was just amazing. They started sending me encouraging cards and gifts. I am very thankful for them.
After the craziness of staging, I was finally ready to come out. Saying the words "I have cancer" was getting a little easier now. It still felt weird, but I could say it without breaking down. This also happened to be the same time we found out the gender of our baby. I wanted that announcement to come first. I didn’t think it was fair to overshadow something as significant as announcing our baby’s gender, a happy and exciting moment, with the fact that I had cancer. The day after we found out it was a girl growing inside of me, we posted our gender reveal photo of Olivia holding a pink balloon, telling everyone she was going to have a baby sister.
I waited one more day, and then I posted this:
So for the past month, we have been dealing with a very scary thing. I had some swollen lymph nodes in my neck and they started growing. My OB strongly suggested I make an appointment to get it looked at (for the second time) so I did. We made a same day appointment with a different dr. From there I was sent to a head and neck dr. Had 8 needle biopsies and then a surgical biopsy. What felt like forever later I got the call on Election Day that I had Hodgkin's lymphoma. Cancer!? But I'm pregnant! From there I was sent to oncology and staging begun. I have stage 3b hodgkins lymphoma. We also had to make the decision whether to go forward with the pregnancy. It was something we got many opinions on and researched a ton! I am going to go forward with chemo therapy ASAP. I had my port placed yesterday. They have to do one more test on Tuesday and I will be set to start treatment. All my drs have been very helpful and supportive. Friends and family have really rallied together around us and its definitely made things easier on us. I'm happy that staging and my "painful" appointments are over and I will be starting to kick this cancer out of me! I'm very confident that I can beat this all while still growing a healthy baby. If you have more questions you can personal message me. I also am taking an extended medical leave while I get through treatment so please call the salon if you would like to make an appointment. They will take care of you. As for now please keep me and my unborn baby girl in your thoughts and prayers.
So many people commented on how strong I was, and that I was going to kick cancer's ass. It was such a great thing for me to read. Sometimes I find myself going back to the post just to read those comments over again. I wanted to tell everyone of all the awful and scary things I had to go through, but I wanted to keep it positive.
One good thing I have noticed throughout this journey was a change in my attitude. I was becoming more of a positive person through such a horrible situation. I grew closer to my husband, family, God, and friends. It was always difficult for me to pray before, but praying seemed to come a lot easier now. Basically, if I was thinking, I was praying. I learned you don’t have to be on your knees with your eyes closed to be praying. I learned you don’t even need to pray out loud or say “amen”. I think it was these formalities that always made praying feel awkward for me when I was younger. But you just need to talk directly to God. Now, I talk to Him like I talk to everyone else.
Another thing I hadn’t considered was that my cancer would come up at random times in front of random people. Sometimes, it is just easier to tell a stranger you have cancer than trying to come up with a phony excuse. I went into Raleys to pick up my turkey for Thanksgiving and ran into my friend Lori, and she asked how I was feeling. A woman ordering shrimp from the butcher counter overheard us talking. She chimed in and started telling me about her battle with cancer, and then she asked if she could pray for me. My eyes started to tear up, and I told her yes. I didn’t expect her to drop her bag of shrimp and start praying right then and there…but she did, and Lori joined her. It was a very interesting experience. I didn’t care who was looking at me or what they thought was going on. I openly accepted the support and love that this stranger and my friend had for me. In a strange way, cancer has connected me to so many "strangers." I feel like anyone who is going through this is very easy to relate to. We are all friends…without even knowing each other.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
My first treatment/Thanksgiving.
Many friends and family member offered to help and be there for when I had my chemo treatments. My first treatment was the day before Thanksgiving. I was heartbroken because I was going to host it this year. I didnt know how I was going to react to the chemo and I didnt want to ruin my holiday. I begged my doctor to push it a week but he felt like it was important to get things going. My Mom, Gram and Aunt came the day of to watch Olivia and prep Thanksgiving. My Mom and I traditionally make pumpkin pie on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. We use my great Grandmother's recipe. So delicious! This year I had treatment.
My Mom and I checked into the infusion center which is the same floor and area of my Oncologist. We were sat in a large infusion area and my nurse came in. I had the same nurse who gave me my pre-chemo information. I liked her a lot. I would say she was in her early thirties and she kinda danced when she walked. Her name was Samantha. They offered me a drink and then gave me a little cup of about 15 pills. I was surprised. There were about 6 zofran (anti nausea), 6 steroids and 2 tylenol. I took all of them in two mouthfuls. I also remembered I hadnt taken my iron so I took that too. She then started to set everything up. It was going to be my first port poke. I was a little nervous because I had forgot to put the numbing cream on. The nurse cleaned the area and got the needle ready. I turned bright red because I was scared and she did a count down and had me breathe in at the same time. It wasnt bad at all. I had just had the port placed 5 days earlier so I was a little surprised they could access it so quickly. Sam said they could access it basically as soon as its in. Crazy! She hung saline bags and went to get my chemo drugs. Before each chemo she had to show it to me to make sure my information was right on it. The A was red liquid in a syringe. She took about ten minutes to slowly push it in to the port tube. The B was the same but clear. The V was a small IV bag that hung and took about 25 minutes to empty Then the D.. The D was a larger IV bag that took about an hour.
We went down to the pharmacy to pick up my anti nausea meds. We were waiting for them to put it together when I started noticing my breathing was getting a little deeper. It had been 20 minutes and so my mom decided to go stand in line again to hurry them along. I started shaking and breathing heavily. I didnt want to yell for my mom and bring attention to myself so I texted her. She didnt get the text but she was paying and walking back over. She knew something was wrong right away and ran for a wheel chair. She ran me up back to oncology and they took me back immediately. They wrapped me in warm blankets, gave me hand warmers and took my blood pressure. My blood pressure was ok but I was shaking and my teeth were chattering uncontrollably. They called in Dr. L and asked if they should give me benadryl. He said not yet. Eventually I calmed down and was back to normal. They said it could be a reaction to any of the chemos. It was scary in the moment but I was super glad we were still in kaiser when it happened.
After we got that under control my mom drove me home and we had something to eat. My Mom, Aunt and Gram basically prepped everything they could for Thanksgiving. My Aunt and Gram drove home (an hour away) late that night and my Mom started the pumpkin pies. It was definitely a different experience "making pie" this year. I was laying on the chaise part of my sectional while talking with my mom. She was doing all the work and I was fighting off hot and cold flashes. Ryan basically had taken on the role of working Dad and stay at home mom.. Even before my diagnoses I would have such bad nausea and be so tired that he had to do everything. I never had to ask him for help he just did it. He gave Olivia her bath every night, got her to bed, did the laundry and dishes.. anything I needed. I can say that this whole experience has really made our relationship stronger. I knew he loved me before but now there is no denying it.
On Thanksgiving morning I took my medicine and decided I better get the turkey going. It was my first turkey and I was terrified. My Gram had made the stuffing the day before so we just had to rinse, dry and stuff the turkey. It was a fun experience doing that with Ryan. My Mom, Aunt and Gram arrived a little early to help get everything going and I can admit that giving up control is not something I am good at. I wanted to host.. and be a hostess. They were good about asking me where I wanted things but I did lose my patience a few times. I blame the steroids.. HAHA! I felt great for Thanksgiving. The only reaction I had was hot flashes and taste change. A couple things that I tasted were a little bland. I knew it was just my tongue though. I asked Ryan a couple times if the food item tasted "normal." Every time he said yes. Everyone enjoyed their meal, visiting and dessert. Everyone came together and cleaned up. It was a very nice day. I loved having a house full of family. It was just what I needed for that day after treatment.
Here are a few pictures from Thanksgiving.
My Mom and I checked into the infusion center which is the same floor and area of my Oncologist. We were sat in a large infusion area and my nurse came in. I had the same nurse who gave me my pre-chemo information. I liked her a lot. I would say she was in her early thirties and she kinda danced when she walked. Her name was Samantha. They offered me a drink and then gave me a little cup of about 15 pills. I was surprised. There were about 6 zofran (anti nausea), 6 steroids and 2 tylenol. I took all of them in two mouthfuls. I also remembered I hadnt taken my iron so I took that too. She then started to set everything up. It was going to be my first port poke. I was a little nervous because I had forgot to put the numbing cream on. The nurse cleaned the area and got the needle ready. I turned bright red because I was scared and she did a count down and had me breathe in at the same time. It wasnt bad at all. I had just had the port placed 5 days earlier so I was a little surprised they could access it so quickly. Sam said they could access it basically as soon as its in. Crazy! She hung saline bags and went to get my chemo drugs. Before each chemo she had to show it to me to make sure my information was right on it. The A was red liquid in a syringe. She took about ten minutes to slowly push it in to the port tube. The B was the same but clear. The V was a small IV bag that hung and took about 25 minutes to empty Then the D.. The D was a larger IV bag that took about an hour.
We went down to the pharmacy to pick up my anti nausea meds. We were waiting for them to put it together when I started noticing my breathing was getting a little deeper. It had been 20 minutes and so my mom decided to go stand in line again to hurry them along. I started shaking and breathing heavily. I didnt want to yell for my mom and bring attention to myself so I texted her. She didnt get the text but she was paying and walking back over. She knew something was wrong right away and ran for a wheel chair. She ran me up back to oncology and they took me back immediately. They wrapped me in warm blankets, gave me hand warmers and took my blood pressure. My blood pressure was ok but I was shaking and my teeth were chattering uncontrollably. They called in Dr. L and asked if they should give me benadryl. He said not yet. Eventually I calmed down and was back to normal. They said it could be a reaction to any of the chemos. It was scary in the moment but I was super glad we were still in kaiser when it happened.
After we got that under control my mom drove me home and we had something to eat. My Mom, Aunt and Gram basically prepped everything they could for Thanksgiving. My Aunt and Gram drove home (an hour away) late that night and my Mom started the pumpkin pies. It was definitely a different experience "making pie" this year. I was laying on the chaise part of my sectional while talking with my mom. She was doing all the work and I was fighting off hot and cold flashes. Ryan basically had taken on the role of working Dad and stay at home mom.. Even before my diagnoses I would have such bad nausea and be so tired that he had to do everything. I never had to ask him for help he just did it. He gave Olivia her bath every night, got her to bed, did the laundry and dishes.. anything I needed. I can say that this whole experience has really made our relationship stronger. I knew he loved me before but now there is no denying it.
On Thanksgiving morning I took my medicine and decided I better get the turkey going. It was my first turkey and I was terrified. My Gram had made the stuffing the day before so we just had to rinse, dry and stuff the turkey. It was a fun experience doing that with Ryan. My Mom, Aunt and Gram arrived a little early to help get everything going and I can admit that giving up control is not something I am good at. I wanted to host.. and be a hostess. They were good about asking me where I wanted things but I did lose my patience a few times. I blame the steroids.. HAHA! I felt great for Thanksgiving. The only reaction I had was hot flashes and taste change. A couple things that I tasted were a little bland. I knew it was just my tongue though. I asked Ryan a couple times if the food item tasted "normal." Every time he said yes. Everyone enjoyed their meal, visiting and dessert. Everyone came together and cleaned up. It was a very nice day. I loved having a house full of family. It was just what I needed for that day after treatment.
Here are a few pictures from Thanksgiving.
Preparing for treatment.. You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
Through the weeks I had many appointments with Dr. L and my perinatologist to decide on my plan for treatment. I was going to get 6 cycles of treatment. Each cycle consisted of 2 treatments and would be two weeks apart each time. Twelve treatments in all. Each time I would get 4 chemo drugs. Adriamycin, bleomycin, vinblastine, and dacarbazine. The A and B were to be pushed into my port from a large syringe and the V and D were iv bags that hang up and drain into my port. Before I could get treatment I had to have my port placed.
My Dad came to watch Olivia while I had the placement procedure. I didnt look too much into it because my doctor said not to. He said it was a fairly simple procedure and I should be in and out in 45 minutes. We signed into radiology because they were going to have to use an x ray machine to take a couple pictures of the port after it was placed. We got there a little late but it was ok because they were running behind and very busy. We told the front desk lady that we would go in to the cafeteria. She said that was fine but that I shouldnt eat. Cool.. always telling me I cant eat. So my Dad, Olivia and I went to the cafeteria. They shared a grilled cheese and a fruit salad. It was fun to watch Olivia try to eat with a plastic fork. The nurse came in and said they were ready for us. We went through this back way into a pre op room. I must have looked confused because the nurse kept asking if I was ok. She gave me a gown to change into...
I was expecting to go into a room sort of like an ultrasound room. Get a shot, have them slip something in, get a few stitches and go. Boy was I wrong. What the hell were they going to do? The nurse brought this binder over and showed me the port and gave me some care information. She said I couldnt get it wet for 10 days or until it had noticeably healed. So no showers for me. She pulled out this long tube and the port and explained how they run it up your collar bone and into a main artery to your heart. Wow.. The nurse set me up to get an IV and I asked her what they had planned on giving me and asked if it was ok to have while pregnant. She called the dr and basically everything that they would have put in the IV wasnt going to be given to me.. They would normally give pain/loopy sedation medicine and antibiotics. I couldnt have that. They wheeled me into the OR and sandwiched me in between two lead drapes. I was freely talking to the nurses and techs. The Dr came in and he was a young asian man. He was very funny and had everyone laughing. He mentioned to me that this procedure was going to go very smoothly and he was going to take care of me. Since talking to the nurse I had known to expect more lidocaine.. so I just tried to think of happy thoughts. At this point I was all too familiar with deep lidocaine pain. I thought of my wedding day, Olivia's birthday and the future. The first shot went in and knocked the breath out of me. It really really sucked. The doctor talked me through this part and was very encouraging. He only had to do two shots but injected about 6 times. He made a small incision by my collar bone and a larger incision above my left breast. They had put a curtain up but I still saw him grab the wire and I felt it stick into me and go passed my throat and down my chest. They grabbed the port tube and shoved it in after.. too short. Grabbed a different size tube, shoved it down, too long, they trimmed it a bit and trimmed too much off.. cool! Pulled that tube out and he asked for the right size. I guess during this part they had a screen with an image of exactly where the port tube was hitting in my heart. Third time was the charm. Honestly I dont think I could of dealt with feeling the tubing go in one more time. It wasnt painful just uncomfortable. I felt the doctor start to stitch me up and I was relieved. The lidocaine started to wear off toward the end of him stitching. I told him I could feel the sting of the stitching and he said he just had a couple more. I just clenched my teeth and got through it. I kept thinking about how I would have never thought I could get through this torture. I could have never imagined having to deal with the physical and emotion pain of all of this... in such little time.
I was wheeled out instead of going to a post op area they basically put me in a wheel chair and had a volunteer wheel me out to the front where my Dad was waiting in my car. I sat in the car, Olivia was in the back seat, and I started bawling. I couldnt stay strong anymore. I had tried to keep my composure throughout the whole procedure. I texted Ryan and my Mom. I was telling my Dad about how I didnt expect it to be this big of a surgery... that it was just as big of a surgery as the biopsy but they treated it like it was an in and out procedure. I didnt understand it. Pain wise I would say the bone marrow biopsy was the worst but the port placement and biopsy were very similar. The tape and having a foreign object placed into your body felt like they had strapped a ten pound weight to my left collar bone. It was intense. They told me I could take tylenol for my discomfort. Umm.. ok I will get right on that. At that point I hadnt looked into the procedure and I was just so pissed with how everything went that I didnt bother looking into what they give normal patients for pain management. I went home to recover and couldnt move my neck well for a few days. I remember one night Olivia was crawling on me and she elbowed my port and I about died. It hurt really bad. Shit it still does if I hit it wrong or if she climbs on me wrong.
My port a couple days after placement.
My port a couple weeks later.
A friend of mine from work started a meal train, moms from my mom group were sending cards and diapers and home made hats, my coworkers and friends were coming up with their own ways to raise money for us. From mid October I had been out of work. We only had one income to rely on. My Mom made sure to let me know that she would do whatever she needed to do to get us through this. I feel bad for having to accept that i would be needing to take that much money from my Mom. She just didnt want me to stress and I understand that now. The love a mother has for her children is unmeasurable. Its just an amazing thing. I pull a lot of strength from my Mom.
My Dad came to watch Olivia while I had the placement procedure. I didnt look too much into it because my doctor said not to. He said it was a fairly simple procedure and I should be in and out in 45 minutes. We signed into radiology because they were going to have to use an x ray machine to take a couple pictures of the port after it was placed. We got there a little late but it was ok because they were running behind and very busy. We told the front desk lady that we would go in to the cafeteria. She said that was fine but that I shouldnt eat. Cool.. always telling me I cant eat. So my Dad, Olivia and I went to the cafeteria. They shared a grilled cheese and a fruit salad. It was fun to watch Olivia try to eat with a plastic fork. The nurse came in and said they were ready for us. We went through this back way into a pre op room. I must have looked confused because the nurse kept asking if I was ok. She gave me a gown to change into...
I was expecting to go into a room sort of like an ultrasound room. Get a shot, have them slip something in, get a few stitches and go. Boy was I wrong. What the hell were they going to do? The nurse brought this binder over and showed me the port and gave me some care information. She said I couldnt get it wet for 10 days or until it had noticeably healed. So no showers for me. She pulled out this long tube and the port and explained how they run it up your collar bone and into a main artery to your heart. Wow.. The nurse set me up to get an IV and I asked her what they had planned on giving me and asked if it was ok to have while pregnant. She called the dr and basically everything that they would have put in the IV wasnt going to be given to me.. They would normally give pain/loopy sedation medicine and antibiotics. I couldnt have that. They wheeled me into the OR and sandwiched me in between two lead drapes. I was freely talking to the nurses and techs. The Dr came in and he was a young asian man. He was very funny and had everyone laughing. He mentioned to me that this procedure was going to go very smoothly and he was going to take care of me. Since talking to the nurse I had known to expect more lidocaine.. so I just tried to think of happy thoughts. At this point I was all too familiar with deep lidocaine pain. I thought of my wedding day, Olivia's birthday and the future. The first shot went in and knocked the breath out of me. It really really sucked. The doctor talked me through this part and was very encouraging. He only had to do two shots but injected about 6 times. He made a small incision by my collar bone and a larger incision above my left breast. They had put a curtain up but I still saw him grab the wire and I felt it stick into me and go passed my throat and down my chest. They grabbed the port tube and shoved it in after.. too short. Grabbed a different size tube, shoved it down, too long, they trimmed it a bit and trimmed too much off.. cool! Pulled that tube out and he asked for the right size. I guess during this part they had a screen with an image of exactly where the port tube was hitting in my heart. Third time was the charm. Honestly I dont think I could of dealt with feeling the tubing go in one more time. It wasnt painful just uncomfortable. I felt the doctor start to stitch me up and I was relieved. The lidocaine started to wear off toward the end of him stitching. I told him I could feel the sting of the stitching and he said he just had a couple more. I just clenched my teeth and got through it. I kept thinking about how I would have never thought I could get through this torture. I could have never imagined having to deal with the physical and emotion pain of all of this... in such little time.
I was wheeled out instead of going to a post op area they basically put me in a wheel chair and had a volunteer wheel me out to the front where my Dad was waiting in my car. I sat in the car, Olivia was in the back seat, and I started bawling. I couldnt stay strong anymore. I had tried to keep my composure throughout the whole procedure. I texted Ryan and my Mom. I was telling my Dad about how I didnt expect it to be this big of a surgery... that it was just as big of a surgery as the biopsy but they treated it like it was an in and out procedure. I didnt understand it. Pain wise I would say the bone marrow biopsy was the worst but the port placement and biopsy were very similar. The tape and having a foreign object placed into your body felt like they had strapped a ten pound weight to my left collar bone. It was intense. They told me I could take tylenol for my discomfort. Umm.. ok I will get right on that. At that point I hadnt looked into the procedure and I was just so pissed with how everything went that I didnt bother looking into what they give normal patients for pain management. I went home to recover and couldnt move my neck well for a few days. I remember one night Olivia was crawling on me and she elbowed my port and I about died. It hurt really bad. Shit it still does if I hit it wrong or if she climbs on me wrong.
My port a couple days after placement.
My port a couple weeks later.
I was set up to talk to a nurse a few days before I started treatment. Ryan came with me and she talked about side effects from chemo and gave me a ton of papers to read. She said I could get constipation, diarrhea mouth sores, heart burn, ulcers, nausea, head aches.. All very joyful things. She said that I would get blood work done the day before each treatment to check my numbers to make sure I was healthy enough for treatment. I asked her when I should expect my hair to fall out. She told me two weeks after my first treatment. I started to cry. I didnt think it would be that soon. I was thinking in a couple months. Needless to say I bought a few scarves and one really nice synthetic wig. I thought I was prepared.
Through all this my Mom, Dad, mother in law and friends really stepped up to help. we had friends cooking us meals and family coming up to watch Olivia. I had so many appointments so quickly that it was amazing to see everyone rally around my family and help out.
A friend of mine from work started a meal train, moms from my mom group were sending cards and diapers and home made hats, my coworkers and friends were coming up with their own ways to raise money for us. From mid October I had been out of work. We only had one income to rely on. My Mom made sure to let me know that she would do whatever she needed to do to get us through this. I feel bad for having to accept that i would be needing to take that much money from my Mom. She just didnt want me to stress and I understand that now. The love a mother has for her children is unmeasurable. Its just an amazing thing. I pull a lot of strength from my Mom.
Staging.
Staging was a whirlwind. I had the full body MRI. It was a little different this time. It was inside and I had to hold my breath a bunch of times. One of my symptoms I had from the cancer was this annoying cough. The cough had started when I started taking my iron pills for anemia. I had asked the girls in my mom group if taking iron pills ever made them cough.. I'm sure they thought I was nuts. Through all of this I confided in that group a lot. They are all very supportive and I was glad to have that outlet to vent to. Anyways.. I would have to try and hold my breath and not cough. It was very difficult for me. I felt like I couldn't get a full drag of air in.
I went in for my bone marrow test. My Mom went with me because Ryan had to work. I was thinking she would be able to be in the room with me.. wasnt the case. Dr. L brought me to this back room and had me lay down. My heart was pounding so much. I was SO nervous and really had no idea what I was getting myself into. I saw there set up and really got freaked out. I shouldnt have looked. He explained that he would be going into the bone from my back hip. That he can only numb the tissue around the bone but not the bone itself. I asked if the inside of bone has feelings and he said yes. Awesome. He then went on to tell me that he will numb me up really good using LIDOCAINE.. F***!! More horrible stings. I told him I might curse his head off. He said that was fine.. in the most doctor tone. He gave me a bunch of shots. He went deeper with each one and would inject, then deeper and deeper. It hurt a ton.. It was worse than being awake during my surgical biopsy.. way way worse. When he started the actual biopsy he explained that he would go in and suck some marrow out. It would most likely shoot a pain down my butt and leg and that he would also need to get a biopsy of bone. He had to enter my bone twice with two different needles. The first one hit my bone and he started pushing super hard and twisting it into the bone. I felt it enter the bone and then he prepared me for the sucking part. It was pretty painful. I saw him pass the big needle over me to the nurse. They actually take a good amount. The nurse was holding my shoulder and holding an ice pack on my neck to keep me comfortable. I was so hot from dealing with this procedure. Then the second needle screwed in and came out. It almost felt like a cork was pushed into a wine bottle feeling.. I just did long deep breaths as if I was in labor. I never cursed once. Dr. L said he was very impressed and the nurse kept telling me how strong I was. When it was done they offered me juice and cookies and sat me up very slowly. They brought my mom in. I was so happy to see her. She said it took about 40 minutes from the time she left me. It seemed like forever. I didnt know until later that when they do this procedure on most patients they will give them some form of sedation.. Dr.L said it could take awhile to find out if the marrow was positive or negative. That they will do a ton of different tests on the marrow because it tells them a lot.
I had my echo the next day and was really sore from the bone marrow extraction. They told me to lay on my side and I was like um.. which one? There was no way I could lay on my right side. Fortunately for me I needed to lay on my left. I had to wear one of those open paper tops. There was one tech and one student. The tech did her thing and then asked if her student could do some. I didnt care but he basically did the whole thing over. My boob and ribs were a little sore after that. Oh well.. good learning experience for the student.
Once all the test results were back it was determined that I was a stage 3B. The B just means that I was showing symptoms of the disease. Swollen lymph nodes in my neck, cough, anemia.. The day we were told that it wasnt in my marrow was so amazing!! I needed to hear that so badly. I was feeling like every call I was getting was more bad news. My ONC also told me that the MRI showed that my spleen was inflamed and that I have masses around my liver and spine. He also said the reason I was coughing so much was because I had a big mass in my chest right off of my trachea. Wow. So much to take in. I asked if chemo would take care of all of those things and he said yes it should.
Through out this whole thing I was also being seen by my perinatologist. He rushed the genetic testing to see if the baby had any diseases. Honesty if the baby had a genetic disease it wouldnt have mattered to me. If the baby had a life threatening disease and would not be able to fight through treatment with me.. it would have mattered. Of course through all this termination of my pregnancy was brought up multiple times. I couldnt stomach the thought of "terminating" my perfect baby just so i had a better chance to live. We would get through this TOGETHER! Ryan and I had to really think of the pros and cons of terminating vs keeping the baby. One night I had talked to my parents and aunt and they convinced me that I needed to think of myself and basically consider myself to be having a miscarriage. That was the worst night ever. I was sobbing for hours. I couldnt come to terms with that.
We did a ton of research and even saw other oncologists and talked to a lot of people to make our decision. I found this website called hopefortwo.org and they set me up with a support member. The whole website is dedicated to woman who have been pregnant with cancer. I also talked to a few local woman who were pregnant with cancer. Many girls I was put in contact with waited to have the baby first then started treatment. I grew close to Ashley and Crystal. I was introduced to Crystal from supportgroups.com. We were both on a hodgkin's lymphoma support board. Through talking with them and coming up with more and more research we were confident that we were making the right choice of keeping our baby. I asked my perinatologist to get together as many studies and cases he possibly could so I could read them. He was confident that my baby and I would get through this. He had printed out about 15 studies. He said there just isnt a lot of studies because up until recently most people would go for termination. I was happy with this 20 year study he printed for me. Woman who started treatment in their second trimester had a very good chance of survival along with their babies. The four chemos I would be getting each time were also more mild than others. It also helped to know people in real life with beautiful healthy babies. Once I had the information from my perinatologist, real life friends, and multiple doctors my family came around to me carrying the baby through treatment. I know they were just wanting me to take the best road possible for my own cure. At the time I just couldnt get peace with termination. I have never prayed so much in my life. I needed guidance and I felt like I got it.
We went in for an anatomy scan around 18 weeks and the baby looked amazing. Her fluid was great and she was growing ahead of schedule. They wanted to do precise measurements before I started treatment so they had a starting point of her growth. The tech asked us if we wanted to know what we were having. Of course! She said a girl! Haha. I guess my OB has originally seen her umbilical cord. Even though we wanted a boy and had a name picked out it was a blessing. We had kept everything from Olivia. All her clothes, socks, bottles, swing... everything!
I went in for my bone marrow test. My Mom went with me because Ryan had to work. I was thinking she would be able to be in the room with me.. wasnt the case. Dr. L brought me to this back room and had me lay down. My heart was pounding so much. I was SO nervous and really had no idea what I was getting myself into. I saw there set up and really got freaked out. I shouldnt have looked. He explained that he would be going into the bone from my back hip. That he can only numb the tissue around the bone but not the bone itself. I asked if the inside of bone has feelings and he said yes. Awesome. He then went on to tell me that he will numb me up really good using LIDOCAINE.. F***!! More horrible stings. I told him I might curse his head off. He said that was fine.. in the most doctor tone. He gave me a bunch of shots. He went deeper with each one and would inject, then deeper and deeper. It hurt a ton.. It was worse than being awake during my surgical biopsy.. way way worse. When he started the actual biopsy he explained that he would go in and suck some marrow out. It would most likely shoot a pain down my butt and leg and that he would also need to get a biopsy of bone. He had to enter my bone twice with two different needles. The first one hit my bone and he started pushing super hard and twisting it into the bone. I felt it enter the bone and then he prepared me for the sucking part. It was pretty painful. I saw him pass the big needle over me to the nurse. They actually take a good amount. The nurse was holding my shoulder and holding an ice pack on my neck to keep me comfortable. I was so hot from dealing with this procedure. Then the second needle screwed in and came out. It almost felt like a cork was pushed into a wine bottle feeling.. I just did long deep breaths as if I was in labor. I never cursed once. Dr. L said he was very impressed and the nurse kept telling me how strong I was. When it was done they offered me juice and cookies and sat me up very slowly. They brought my mom in. I was so happy to see her. She said it took about 40 minutes from the time she left me. It seemed like forever. I didnt know until later that when they do this procedure on most patients they will give them some form of sedation.. Dr.L said it could take awhile to find out if the marrow was positive or negative. That they will do a ton of different tests on the marrow because it tells them a lot.
I had my echo the next day and was really sore from the bone marrow extraction. They told me to lay on my side and I was like um.. which one? There was no way I could lay on my right side. Fortunately for me I needed to lay on my left. I had to wear one of those open paper tops. There was one tech and one student. The tech did her thing and then asked if her student could do some. I didnt care but he basically did the whole thing over. My boob and ribs were a little sore after that. Oh well.. good learning experience for the student.
Once all the test results were back it was determined that I was a stage 3B. The B just means that I was showing symptoms of the disease. Swollen lymph nodes in my neck, cough, anemia.. The day we were told that it wasnt in my marrow was so amazing!! I needed to hear that so badly. I was feeling like every call I was getting was more bad news. My ONC also told me that the MRI showed that my spleen was inflamed and that I have masses around my liver and spine. He also said the reason I was coughing so much was because I had a big mass in my chest right off of my trachea. Wow. So much to take in. I asked if chemo would take care of all of those things and he said yes it should.
Through out this whole thing I was also being seen by my perinatologist. He rushed the genetic testing to see if the baby had any diseases. Honesty if the baby had a genetic disease it wouldnt have mattered to me. If the baby had a life threatening disease and would not be able to fight through treatment with me.. it would have mattered. Of course through all this termination of my pregnancy was brought up multiple times. I couldnt stomach the thought of "terminating" my perfect baby just so i had a better chance to live. We would get through this TOGETHER! Ryan and I had to really think of the pros and cons of terminating vs keeping the baby. One night I had talked to my parents and aunt and they convinced me that I needed to think of myself and basically consider myself to be having a miscarriage. That was the worst night ever. I was sobbing for hours. I couldnt come to terms with that.
We did a ton of research and even saw other oncologists and talked to a lot of people to make our decision. I found this website called hopefortwo.org and they set me up with a support member. The whole website is dedicated to woman who have been pregnant with cancer. I also talked to a few local woman who were pregnant with cancer. Many girls I was put in contact with waited to have the baby first then started treatment. I grew close to Ashley and Crystal. I was introduced to Crystal from supportgroups.com. We were both on a hodgkin's lymphoma support board. Through talking with them and coming up with more and more research we were confident that we were making the right choice of keeping our baby. I asked my perinatologist to get together as many studies and cases he possibly could so I could read them. He was confident that my baby and I would get through this. He had printed out about 15 studies. He said there just isnt a lot of studies because up until recently most people would go for termination. I was happy with this 20 year study he printed for me. Woman who started treatment in their second trimester had a very good chance of survival along with their babies. The four chemos I would be getting each time were also more mild than others. It also helped to know people in real life with beautiful healthy babies. Once I had the information from my perinatologist, real life friends, and multiple doctors my family came around to me carrying the baby through treatment. I know they were just wanting me to take the best road possible for my own cure. At the time I just couldnt get peace with termination. I have never prayed so much in my life. I needed guidance and I felt like I got it.
We went in for an anatomy scan around 18 weeks and the baby looked amazing. Her fluid was great and she was growing ahead of schedule. They wanted to do precise measurements before I started treatment so they had a starting point of her growth. The tech asked us if we wanted to know what we were having. Of course! She said a girl! Haha. I guess my OB has originally seen her umbilical cord. Even though we wanted a boy and had a name picked out it was a blessing. We had kept everything from Olivia. All her clothes, socks, bottles, swing... everything!
Diagnoses.
November 6th, 2012-
My friend Kamii offered to watch Olivia so I could go vote. The line was extremely long and by the time I got checked in I felt like I was going to throw up. I still had my biopsy bandages on and I asked the helper if she had a chair I could sit in until a booth opened. She got me a chair. I felt awkward sitting in line but I was seriously about to toss my cookies. Standing long periods of time made me feel awful. At work I had to take sitting breaks when I was applying color and doing long blow outs. It was embarrassing. Anyways.. I voted and started walking to my car while I called Kamii to see if she wanted me to pick up lunch. When I got in my car at the next light a Kaiser number called. I had gotten very familiar with their numbers. I answered and it was Dr. T. It was literally as if time stood still. He told me he had some bad news for me. I knew it. I freaking knew it! He told me I had hodgkin's lymphoma. That I would need to still get the staging done but for sure it was at least a stage 2 because of what the MRI showed and the results of the biopsy. He was very upset sounding and wanted me to come in later that day. He also wanted me to see an Oncologist. The only experience I had with Oncology was when I went to visit my dear friend Sandy in the hospital. She lost her battle to ovarian cancer in February and hearing the word Oncology shot pain through my heart and brought up feelings for Sandy. I hung up the phone and started bawling. All I could think of is Olivia and my unborn child and how i wanted to grow old with Ryan. I had no idea what this cancer meant for me. I had no idea of how curable this would be. I was hopeful that I would remain a stage 2. I drove straight to Ryan's work. At the time he was all I wanted. My rock. Through all the waiting and nervousness he was the most realistic and calming person I had. I parked in the front bays and walked up. He wasnt there. Oh my God! I look all red faced and obvious that I was crying. One of his coworkers asked me if he wanted me to get him. I said yes. He had just clocked out for lunch and ran out to me. I fell into his arms and just started crying. I couldnt even talk. Thinking of this now makes me cry. It was so emotional. He wiped my hair back and just started walking to me to my car. He new it wasnt good news. We didnt expect to know the results so soon. I filled him in while he drove us away in my car. He just took it in calmly. I told him I had an oncology appointment later that day and that I didnt want to go alone. I had planned on calling my Mom to leave work but he said he would come. I hadnt called Kamii.. or gotten us lunch. Ryan drove over there so we could pick up Olivia and he filled her in. I didnt have it in me to go inside to tell her the news. I could barely even say it in my head "I had cancer." We went home and had lunch. I called my Mom and Ryan called his Mom. Ryan's mom watched Olivia while we went to my appointment. My Mom was going to leave work early and come and talk with me in person. Im glad she did. It was just easier. All of my close friends knew about me waiting on my biopsy results. I called and told my friend/salon owner Stacy. I told her i didnt have it in me to tell everyone at work. To please do so. My Dad was going to be the hardest person to tell. I called him right before we left for my Oncology appointment. It felt like every time I had to tell a family member my heart was stomped on. My Dad is a very emotional man and I knew it would just kill him to know about this. He was surprisingly calm and just kept telling me that I will beat this and that I am strong and was very reassuring.
We went to my oncology appointment and it was on the 4th floor. I had never been up there.. It was crazy. There wasnt much up there besides oncology and heart specialists. We checked in and the receptionist couldnt find my appointment. I told her Dr. T called me today and told me to come in, that I had just gotten my biopsy done last friday and was to be seen today. She told me "it doesnt work like that, it takes weeks for patients to get an appointment after their biopsy." Well lady I'M FUCKING SPECIAL! I didnt say that but you know.. Ha. Anyways a nurse piped up in the background and said "Oh, are you Stefanie Pace?" It made the receptionist raise an eyebrow. Haha! We were brought back into the exam room and there were mostly posters of breast cancer.. mostly pamphlets with breast cancer. Whatever. Dr. L came in and he was this very well kept short asian man. He reminded me of a thinner Chow from the Hangover movies. LOL. He dressed very well. He sat down and started talking about the disease and how we were going to need to determine my stage. Once he said everything he needed to say he let us ask questions. I was surprised to know that hodgkin's lymphoma was highly curable at any stage and that you can get it from a virus. He asked if I had ever had Mono..but I didnt. Ryan had Mono when we had been together for 2 years. We were living together so i was exposed to it. I never showed symptoms of having it though. Anyways there is no way to know when I was exposed. The virus can lay dormant for years. It eventually mutated into Lymphoma cells (not for everyone.) He wanted me to get another MRI to see if my lymph nodes in my abdomen and groin were swollen. If they see inflammation in an MRI usually that meas the cancer has spread. Normally they would do a PET scan but didnt want to do that for me because it would expose the baby to radiation. He also wanted me to get a bone marrow biopsy to see if the cancer spread to my blood. That scared me. He explained that procedure a little and told me to stay off the internet, that he would take care of me. I did just that because I wasnt about to get myself more worked up. He said I would need more blood work, an echo-cardiogram and a pulmonary lung test to see if I was strong enough to go through chemotherapy.
When we left that appointment we went straight to my OB's office. One floor down. I didnt have an appointment but I was talking to her through emails and she said I could pop in. I hadnt had an ultrasound since confirming I was pregnant at 7 weeks. I was now 17 weeks pregnant and had no knowledge of how the baby was handling this. We were brought back in to the room and I looked at Ryan and told him we could probably know the sex of the baby if we wanted to. He said "dont be mad but I dont know if I want to know." At that moment my heart broke a little. I know the day was overwhelming but this is still our baby. My OB came in and she gave me a hug. I asked if she could do a quick ultrasound to make sure the baby was doing ok. She did. The baby looked absolutely perfect. She asked if we wanted to know what we were having. I looked at Ryan and he said ok. She said thought we were having a boy but she wasnt sure. I burst into tears. We really wanted a boy. Since she said she wasnt sure I didnt want to tell anyone though. My OB also said that she wouldnt be seeing me anymore. That I would be referred to a perinatologist. Someone who specializes in high risk pregnancies. Wow.. I didnt even think that I wouldnt be able to see my normal OB.
That night was definitely exhausting. I kept looking at my daughter and crying. She was only 15 months old.. she needed me. I want to do her hair for prom, and see her get married and have kids. I want to be really old and wrinkly with Ryan. I dont want to die. Telling my close friends and family was hard. Some harder than others. I told my friend Katie and she immediately burst into tears. Of course that made me burst into tears. It was just awful to tell people. Although I was hurting and scared it was like I had to call people and break their hearts too. It was definitely the hardest part. I called a few more friends and started sending some texts because I couldnt bear it anymore. I left telling some family members up to other family.
I had so many thoughts and questions going through my head that it amazes me I was able to sleep. I think I was just so tired from the day. I didnt know what was going to happen. A big part of me wanted to sacrifice myself for my unborn child. I thought that if I went through staging and I was still a 2 I would put off chemo therapy until after I could have the baby. I didnt want to expose my baby to chemo. Then the thought of miscarriage entered my head and the thought of termination. When talking to my ONC he did mention that some patients who find out they have cancer while pregnant will do a voluntary termination of their pegnancy. I was NOT that person.
Back story.
October 8, 2012-
I went in for my OB appointment on a Monday. For some reason we had to do it on a monday instead of a thursday so Ryan couldnt come. My OB did my breast exam and listened to the babies heart beat. If i remember correctly I was 13 weeks. Due April 15, 2013. She asked me if I had any other concerns and I mentioned that I had a lump on my neck that had not gone away. She didnt like that it was causing me discomfort and asked if I had been seen for it. I had an appointment in early May. The doctor brushed it off but ordered blood work. I did the blood work and everything appeared to be normal. I asked to be seen by a different doctor because the first one didnt take it seriously.
My neck in May.
October 9, 2012-
I saw my new general medicine doctor and he was clearly surprised that there had not been any fallow up on my neck. In May it was a bit tender and at the end of my work day it was sore. Then it stopped hurting but was still there and started hurting again in October. During that time we conceived so that was going to make everything a bit more concerning and challenging. He referred me to a head and neck specialist.. that same day. I was starting to get nervous that everything was moving so quickly. Did this mean they thought something was actually wrong? The head and neck specialist Dr. T was such a nice guy. He assured me that the likelihood of this being anything serious was very low. He also suggested I try a round of antibiotics because 9 times out of 10 it will clear up swollen glands. I asked if they were safe for the baby and he said that they were not tested on pregnant woman but the class of drug was studied on rats.. COOL! He said they were not known to cause birth defects or miscarriage. I filled the prescription but never took them. I had emailed him explaining that I wanted to do more tests before I went ahead and took the antibiotics. He was very informative and had a great table side manner. I was also more comfortable because Ryan came with me to this appointment. Dr. T wanted to do some more blood work and a needle biopsy procedure. He didnt go too much into the details of what he would be doing and he told me to stay off the internet because he didnt want me to get freaked out over it.
October 11, 2012-
Ryan and I went in to see Dr. T for my biopsy. He first started out by looking in my nose and down my throat with a scope. He sprayed this nasal spray up my nose first to numb it. The scope going up your nose and into your throat was still a bit uncomfortable (if I only knew the discomfort I would be feeling in the weeks after..ha!!) He said everything looked normal. He then proceeded to get the nurse and start setting up for my needle biopsy. In my head I was thinking one needle.. I can do this. He said he was going to numb my neck with lidocaine and then he would take 8 needle biopsies.. EIGHT!! Holy shit. I looked at Ryan and I probably had a "I'm outta here" look. Ryan grabbed my hand. He stuck the lidocaine in my neck. It sucked. I knew it would because I have had lidocaine shots in my feet. It feels like a legit bee sting.. in your neck. He let that work for a minute and he started the biopsy. He stuck the most inflammed gland and told me that it was very dense. I asked him if it was possible for them to pop. He laughed and said sometimes there is liquid in them. The feeling of him taking the biopsies was a stick down, then like 5 repeated in and out motions to try and collect the tissue. He did this 8 times and he said he wanted to do just one more. I felt some blood crawl down my neck on the last one. Certain pokes were more uncomfortable than others. He cleaned me up and explained that it should be a few days until we got the results. He also reminded me that sometimes this biopsy technique doesnt give them enough tissue to make diagnoses. I took the next couple days off work since I knew my neck would be sore. It was a little. I felt like I had been used as a pin cushion.
My neck after the needle biopsy.
Starting the next wednesday October 17th I worked a few days. I went in for a few more tests. A blood test to rule out cat scratch fever and a TB test. Both were negative. Dr. T called and said the needle biopsy results were "undiagnostic." Meaning.. they couldn't make a diagnoses off the tissue samples. Great.. I was pin cushioned for no imformation and waited nervously for nothing. I asked what the next step was. He said we should go ahead and do an MRI without contrast. Contrast is the dye they usually inject you with that makes it easier to read the results.The contrast passes through the placenta so they did not want to use that.
October 27, 2012 -
My Dad was watching Olivia this weekend so he came early so I could go to my MRI. It was scheduled for 8am. I signed into radiology and they walked me down this long hallway. We actually went around the building outside to this mobile MRI. I laid on the table and the tech was surprised to hear that I was pregnant. He asked me if I really wanted to go forward with this procedure.. which I thought was odd. Hello.. my doctor ordered it. Through my research with MRIs in pregnancy they are safe. They are just magnets.. Anyways it was very loud but quick. They just did my neck and upper chest area. As I walked to my car I called both my parents to tell them I was done and headed to work. Of course during all of this we have all been nervous wrecks. Everyone remained positive and just kept telling me it was going to be nothing. It almost got annoying to hear. I was going through such a scary, nerve racking thing. I didnt want to assume the worst but to constantly hear it was nothing was almost like people were down playing the seriousness of it all. My first thought was that I was pregnant and there cannot be anything wrong with me.. and if there was I wanted to kick the shit out of the first doctor who brushed me off to begin with.
After Dr. T saw the results of the MRI he determined it was my lymph nodes that were inflamed. He said most of them were inflamed on both sides. He scheduled me for a surgical biopsy. Since I was pregnant I would have to be awake and I would be kept comfortable with fentynol and more LIDOCAINE! Yay.. More bee stings. Ugh.
November 2, 2012-
I couldnt eat or drink anything since the night before but they did tell me I could take my iron pill that morning. I had been taking iron since the first blood work from my pregnancy showed I was anemic. Taking the iron on an empty stomach was the worst thing I could of done. About a half hour after I threw up.. a lot. I was nervous anyways and tasting the iron in my mouth was not helping. My surgery was scheduled for 1:30pm. My mother in law watched Olivia and we drove to Vallejo. My Dad was a nervous wreck and decided to come up with my Step Mom. They took me back first without Ryan. They told me to pee in a cup.. which I thought was odd. I had nothing to drink and could barely get anything out. They also had me change into this weird paper plastic gown. They started prepping me and were about to test my pee infront of me. I told the nurse I was pregnant. She discarded the pee and test. UM.. ok does anyone read their patients charts? Stupid. Ryan was finally able to come back and visit. He had to hold on to my purse and glasses. Not being able to see sucks. My Dad and step Mom came back and chatted a bit. My surgery was pushed to 3:30. I hadnt had much of an appetite but all I could think about was a big cheeseburger. Mmm. The doctor finally brought me back into surgery and gave me 3 lidocaine shots.. They were pretty awful. With each one he would inject the fluid a little, go a little deeper and inject some more. I felt the pressure of the cut and I started feeling discomfort from them snipping into my neck. I told the nurse twice and she shot some stuff into my iv. It relaxed me. I felt them stitching me up and knew it would be over soon. I remember classic rock on in the background. When I as wheeled to the post-op area I was very alert and very hungry.. My nurse was a small swishy philipino man. Funny as hell. I told him about my desire to eat a huge cheeseburger. Ryan came back with my glasses and then my Dad and Step Mom as well. I guess the doctor had went out to tell them that everything went well. The nurse came to check the babies heart beat and couldn't find it with the doppler for like 7 minutes. It seemed like forever and I started crying. I didn't want the stress of the surgery to have killed my baby! She finally found the babies heart beat and I cried harder.. She blamed the doppler machine.. I blamed her. Dr. T came in and did a quick review. He took a whole lymph node out of the right side of my neck. He said I shouldn't eat a cheeseburger.. that I should eat light. By the time we left the hospital it was 5:30pm. We went to Mimi's cafe and I had corn chowder and a quarter of a cheeseburger.. Mmm. The whole day my focus was on the baby and being starving.. That night I started to think about the wait I would have to endure to know the results of the biopsy. The doctor said 7-10 days but that he would try to have it rushed because of my condition (pregnancy.)
My biopsy a week after.
I went in for my OB appointment on a Monday. For some reason we had to do it on a monday instead of a thursday so Ryan couldnt come. My OB did my breast exam and listened to the babies heart beat. If i remember correctly I was 13 weeks. Due April 15, 2013. She asked me if I had any other concerns and I mentioned that I had a lump on my neck that had not gone away. She didnt like that it was causing me discomfort and asked if I had been seen for it. I had an appointment in early May. The doctor brushed it off but ordered blood work. I did the blood work and everything appeared to be normal. I asked to be seen by a different doctor because the first one didnt take it seriously.
My neck in May.
October 9, 2012-
I saw my new general medicine doctor and he was clearly surprised that there had not been any fallow up on my neck. In May it was a bit tender and at the end of my work day it was sore. Then it stopped hurting but was still there and started hurting again in October. During that time we conceived so that was going to make everything a bit more concerning and challenging. He referred me to a head and neck specialist.. that same day. I was starting to get nervous that everything was moving so quickly. Did this mean they thought something was actually wrong? The head and neck specialist Dr. T was such a nice guy. He assured me that the likelihood of this being anything serious was very low. He also suggested I try a round of antibiotics because 9 times out of 10 it will clear up swollen glands. I asked if they were safe for the baby and he said that they were not tested on pregnant woman but the class of drug was studied on rats.. COOL! He said they were not known to cause birth defects or miscarriage. I filled the prescription but never took them. I had emailed him explaining that I wanted to do more tests before I went ahead and took the antibiotics. He was very informative and had a great table side manner. I was also more comfortable because Ryan came with me to this appointment. Dr. T wanted to do some more blood work and a needle biopsy procedure. He didnt go too much into the details of what he would be doing and he told me to stay off the internet because he didnt want me to get freaked out over it.
October 11, 2012-
Ryan and I went in to see Dr. T for my biopsy. He first started out by looking in my nose and down my throat with a scope. He sprayed this nasal spray up my nose first to numb it. The scope going up your nose and into your throat was still a bit uncomfortable (if I only knew the discomfort I would be feeling in the weeks after..ha!!) He said everything looked normal. He then proceeded to get the nurse and start setting up for my needle biopsy. In my head I was thinking one needle.. I can do this. He said he was going to numb my neck with lidocaine and then he would take 8 needle biopsies.. EIGHT!! Holy shit. I looked at Ryan and I probably had a "I'm outta here" look. Ryan grabbed my hand. He stuck the lidocaine in my neck. It sucked. I knew it would because I have had lidocaine shots in my feet. It feels like a legit bee sting.. in your neck. He let that work for a minute and he started the biopsy. He stuck the most inflammed gland and told me that it was very dense. I asked him if it was possible for them to pop. He laughed and said sometimes there is liquid in them. The feeling of him taking the biopsies was a stick down, then like 5 repeated in and out motions to try and collect the tissue. He did this 8 times and he said he wanted to do just one more. I felt some blood crawl down my neck on the last one. Certain pokes were more uncomfortable than others. He cleaned me up and explained that it should be a few days until we got the results. He also reminded me that sometimes this biopsy technique doesnt give them enough tissue to make diagnoses. I took the next couple days off work since I knew my neck would be sore. It was a little. I felt like I had been used as a pin cushion.
My neck after the needle biopsy.
Starting the next wednesday October 17th I worked a few days. I went in for a few more tests. A blood test to rule out cat scratch fever and a TB test. Both were negative. Dr. T called and said the needle biopsy results were "undiagnostic." Meaning.. they couldn't make a diagnoses off the tissue samples. Great.. I was pin cushioned for no imformation and waited nervously for nothing. I asked what the next step was. He said we should go ahead and do an MRI without contrast. Contrast is the dye they usually inject you with that makes it easier to read the results.The contrast passes through the placenta so they did not want to use that.
October 27, 2012 -
My Dad was watching Olivia this weekend so he came early so I could go to my MRI. It was scheduled for 8am. I signed into radiology and they walked me down this long hallway. We actually went around the building outside to this mobile MRI. I laid on the table and the tech was surprised to hear that I was pregnant. He asked me if I really wanted to go forward with this procedure.. which I thought was odd. Hello.. my doctor ordered it. Through my research with MRIs in pregnancy they are safe. They are just magnets.. Anyways it was very loud but quick. They just did my neck and upper chest area. As I walked to my car I called both my parents to tell them I was done and headed to work. Of course during all of this we have all been nervous wrecks. Everyone remained positive and just kept telling me it was going to be nothing. It almost got annoying to hear. I was going through such a scary, nerve racking thing. I didnt want to assume the worst but to constantly hear it was nothing was almost like people were down playing the seriousness of it all. My first thought was that I was pregnant and there cannot be anything wrong with me.. and if there was I wanted to kick the shit out of the first doctor who brushed me off to begin with.
After Dr. T saw the results of the MRI he determined it was my lymph nodes that were inflamed. He said most of them were inflamed on both sides. He scheduled me for a surgical biopsy. Since I was pregnant I would have to be awake and I would be kept comfortable with fentynol and more LIDOCAINE! Yay.. More bee stings. Ugh.
November 2, 2012-
I couldnt eat or drink anything since the night before but they did tell me I could take my iron pill that morning. I had been taking iron since the first blood work from my pregnancy showed I was anemic. Taking the iron on an empty stomach was the worst thing I could of done. About a half hour after I threw up.. a lot. I was nervous anyways and tasting the iron in my mouth was not helping. My surgery was scheduled for 1:30pm. My mother in law watched Olivia and we drove to Vallejo. My Dad was a nervous wreck and decided to come up with my Step Mom. They took me back first without Ryan. They told me to pee in a cup.. which I thought was odd. I had nothing to drink and could barely get anything out. They also had me change into this weird paper plastic gown. They started prepping me and were about to test my pee infront of me. I told the nurse I was pregnant. She discarded the pee and test. UM.. ok does anyone read their patients charts? Stupid. Ryan was finally able to come back and visit. He had to hold on to my purse and glasses. Not being able to see sucks. My Dad and step Mom came back and chatted a bit. My surgery was pushed to 3:30. I hadnt had much of an appetite but all I could think about was a big cheeseburger. Mmm. The doctor finally brought me back into surgery and gave me 3 lidocaine shots.. They were pretty awful. With each one he would inject the fluid a little, go a little deeper and inject some more. I felt the pressure of the cut and I started feeling discomfort from them snipping into my neck. I told the nurse twice and she shot some stuff into my iv. It relaxed me. I felt them stitching me up and knew it would be over soon. I remember classic rock on in the background. When I as wheeled to the post-op area I was very alert and very hungry.. My nurse was a small swishy philipino man. Funny as hell. I told him about my desire to eat a huge cheeseburger. Ryan came back with my glasses and then my Dad and Step Mom as well. I guess the doctor had went out to tell them that everything went well. The nurse came to check the babies heart beat and couldn't find it with the doppler for like 7 minutes. It seemed like forever and I started crying. I didn't want the stress of the surgery to have killed my baby! She finally found the babies heart beat and I cried harder.. She blamed the doppler machine.. I blamed her. Dr. T came in and did a quick review. He took a whole lymph node out of the right side of my neck. He said I shouldn't eat a cheeseburger.. that I should eat light. By the time we left the hospital it was 5:30pm. We went to Mimi's cafe and I had corn chowder and a quarter of a cheeseburger.. Mmm. The whole day my focus was on the baby and being starving.. That night I started to think about the wait I would have to endure to know the results of the biopsy. The doctor said 7-10 days but that he would try to have it rushed because of my condition (pregnancy.)
My biopsy scar now.
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