I had posted some of these lists on Facebook but continually think of new things to add.
Things to do once my neutropenia goes away:
-Eat a shit ton of salad and fresh fruit.
-Eat eggs with runny yolk.
-Get a pedicure.
Things to do before baby girl #2 gets here:
-Take family/maternity pictures.
-Take Olivia to the Zoo.
-Start behavior training with the dogs.
-Introduce Olivia to her new potty.
-Give Olivia her first haircut.
Things to do once I am no longer pregnant:
-Go to 6 flags.
-Shoot some guns.
-Go fishing.. and really learn and take notes from my Dad. I need to know specific knots to tie, sizes of hooks and weights and different bate for each kind of fish. I also need to learn about tides and which fish are in certain bodies of water.
Things to do once my treatment is over:
-Have a celebratory drink.
-Get my family and friends together to celebrate.
-Focus on my health.. meet my goal weight.
-Return to work.
-Enjoy every stage of my hair growing out.
Things to do in the future:
-Take the girls to Disneyland.
-Go to Hawaii.
-Go to Italy.
**I will be adding to this later**
Monday, January 28, 2013
The girls room.
We will be having the girls share a room and I am pretty sure I want to change the theme a bit. Right now Olivia's room is pink and brown lady bugs. I think I want to have more of a no theme room.. Pale grey and pale pink. I love different prints like herringbone, polka dots, and chevron. I have been trolling etsy.com and getting super excited over the cute pink and grey things they have for nurseries. I could totally make some of the wall decor too! Between etsy.com and pinterest.com I think I could make their room AMAZING!!
Right now Olivia has espresso furniture. I think white would look a little better with pink and grey but espresso will just have to work. We still need to order another crib and mattress. I keep putting it off because its $50 more than when we bought Olivia's crib. We also have to buy the mattress separately this time. When we bought Olivia's mattress it was in store and we got a free mattress with the purchase of the crib.. not so lucky this time.
Since the girls will be sharing a room we will have it set up like this. Dresser under the window and crib on each side.
Here is some wall art that I love.. and that I think I could make myself..
Right now Olivia has espresso furniture. I think white would look a little better with pink and grey but espresso will just have to work. We still need to order another crib and mattress. I keep putting it off because its $50 more than when we bought Olivia's crib. We also have to buy the mattress separately this time. When we bought Olivia's mattress it was in store and we got a free mattress with the purchase of the crib.. not so lucky this time.
Here is some wall art that I love.. and that I think I could make myself..
And here is a rug that I love from urban outfitters.
Most of these little details are grey but the crib bedding we have is pale pink. We also have pink in other areas of the room like the changing pad cover, diaper holder, laundry hamper and sock and bib baskets. Looking at these pictures all together really excites me. I have some work to do!!
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Gall stones and fifth treatment.
I had made a heavy meal on Sunday and was definitely feeling the effects. I ate three Gaviscon in hopes that it would kill my heartburn. No matter how much I know something is going to give me heartburn it didn't seem to matter if I was craving it.. stupid hot link. Around 1:30 am I woke up with a horrible pain in my right side. I couldn't keep laying so I tried to go to the bathroom. It was an awful pain that wrapped itself around my right side and into my back. It felt like a sword was through me. I couldn't get comfortable in any position I was in. After about 15 minutes of supporting my weight on the bathroom counter I felt like I needed to wake up Ryan. I didn't know if maybe I needed to go to the ER or what. He woke up and started rubbing my back. He said it sounded like a gas bubble. Ok..well I'm not going to the ER for them to tell me I have gas. So I kept swaying and breathing and finally got into this fetal type position. The pain was tolerable enough to fall back asleep. I messaged my doctor about the pain attack the fallowing day. Of course I missed his call and tried calling him back and he never got that message.
I had experienced a dull pain in my right side the whole day and started looking into what it could be. Of course I called my mom and she immediately said it sounded like gall stones. Of course I started dr.googling everything and found out that pregnancy can make your gallbladder more reactive and that some people have to have it removed during their pregnancy. I wasn't for sure that it was even what I had but I definitely started worrying about having another surgery while I was pregnant. I finally got a hold of Dr. L and we talked a bit about what was going on. He said that my MRI did show that I had gallstones and that one was probably trying to pass. That night I managed to take my Gaviscon but I couldn't stomach the thought of taking my iron or prenatal. When I had acid reflux and took my iron it quickly dissolves it and makes a nasty taste in my mouth and throat. I woke up at 11:30 in pain. I immediately got into the child's pose and started rocking back and forth. I didn't want to wake up Ryan or the baby so I just suffered in silence.
The next morning I messaged Dr.L again. I told him about the second attack and how I didn't think it was gas pain. I looked up a diagram of the female organs and its was definitely in the liver or gallbladder area. He told me that the pre-chemo blood work will show my liver function. I went in for my blood work and the bile in my blood was normal but there were two liver enzymes that were very high. He called me again and explained that we might have to delay treatment again but he wanted me to come in so we could retest my blood and see if there was any improvement. I talked to friends and family and my step sister told me a little about her liver problems. She said that iron and vitamins can flare your liver and that I should probably lay off until I had my blood work. That night I didn't take any pills and I didn't have a pain attack.
So now it was Thursday.. treatment day.. This was going to be Ryan's first time coming with me to a treatment because usually they are scheduled for Wednesdays and he works. We still didn't know if I was going to get my treatment but it didn't matter. Off we went to Kaiser. We showed up thirty minutes early because Dr.L told me to get there early for another liver function test. Of course the computer system was down and the two receptionists had no idea what they were doing. The line started piling up and I suggested that we all just give her our medical cards and go have a seat. We went to sit in the reception area and she eventually came over with our papers and treatment bands. I gave my white copy to the volunteer at the oncology desk and she told me I wouldn't be brought back until 8:30.. Dang it. I explained to her that my doctor wanted me to come in early to run a test before my treatment. I didn't want my frustration to show because all the little volunteer ladies are nice, grandma-like ladies. She told me she would go talk with my nurse. Of course I was taken back immediately and I was happy to know that I had Sam as my nurse. She was the nurse that gave me my first treatment.
Sam inserted my IV into my port. I noticed Ryan looked away. I could imagine it being a little uncomfortable to watch. She flushed me and drew more blood for my liver function test. Another volunteer came around asking if I was interested in a warm blanket or some juice. I asked for some ice water. Ryan and I talked while we waited for my results. I kept looking at my phone because I always get notified through my email once I have new lab results. When I opened my results I was pleasantly surprised. The numbers went down a lot! Yes!
Another volunteer came and handed me a bag and said it was a gift. In the bag was a small crocheted lap blanket. It was made with multiple different yarns. There was no method to the colors or yarns used. You can tell the person just connected the next color when the other ran out. For some reason I really liked my new blanket though. It was like my garbage yarn blanket. I plan on bringing it to the rest of my treatments and its the perfect size for the girls to play on when they get older. Instead of it just being my treatment blanket I could see it being so much more. I could see my daughters playing tea on it or playing with their barbies on it. It was definitely a good gift.
My "garbage" blanket.
Sam came back over and said she was going to start prepping me for treatment. Ryan did really well but I could tell he was getting bored. The chairs they have for your guest are not exactly the most comfortable.. especially if you have to sit in it for 4 hours. We started trying to decide what we wanted for lunch and soon enough it was over. We waited around for about 15 minutes just to make sure I wouldn't have a reaction and we left. I was glad that Ryan didn't have to deal with seeing me react to treatment. I don't want ANYONE to have to see that but my mom has seen it twice and I feel like she can handle it. Ryan told me on the elevator ride down to our car that he didn't think he could handle seeing it. I personally think he could. He has had to witness a lot of scary things with me so far.
We got home and Olivia was napping. My Mom was in super mom clean mode.. which I always appreciate. Had our lunch and Dr.L called me. He said he really thought I passed a gall stone. He said especially with the spike in the enzymes and then it coming down so quickly. He also said that there wasn't a blockage because my bile levels were still in standard range. It was a relief but I still wonder if it will happen again in the future. He did say I had multiple stones. Just another surgery to look forward to. I hope to get through the rest of my pregnancy and treatments before having to get my gall bladder removed. Sometimes its weird to think about the human body. I know the liver can heal itself over time but there are some organs that do not. I know that chemo can effect your heart and other organs and that is a bit scary. My family history for heart related problems is already a concern without throwing chemo into the mix. I just pray for the best and hope that this body can get me through many many decades of life.
I had experienced a dull pain in my right side the whole day and started looking into what it could be. Of course I called my mom and she immediately said it sounded like gall stones. Of course I started dr.googling everything and found out that pregnancy can make your gallbladder more reactive and that some people have to have it removed during their pregnancy. I wasn't for sure that it was even what I had but I definitely started worrying about having another surgery while I was pregnant. I finally got a hold of Dr. L and we talked a bit about what was going on. He said that my MRI did show that I had gallstones and that one was probably trying to pass. That night I managed to take my Gaviscon but I couldn't stomach the thought of taking my iron or prenatal. When I had acid reflux and took my iron it quickly dissolves it and makes a nasty taste in my mouth and throat. I woke up at 11:30 in pain. I immediately got into the child's pose and started rocking back and forth. I didn't want to wake up Ryan or the baby so I just suffered in silence.
The next morning I messaged Dr.L again. I told him about the second attack and how I didn't think it was gas pain. I looked up a diagram of the female organs and its was definitely in the liver or gallbladder area. He told me that the pre-chemo blood work will show my liver function. I went in for my blood work and the bile in my blood was normal but there were two liver enzymes that were very high. He called me again and explained that we might have to delay treatment again but he wanted me to come in so we could retest my blood and see if there was any improvement. I talked to friends and family and my step sister told me a little about her liver problems. She said that iron and vitamins can flare your liver and that I should probably lay off until I had my blood work. That night I didn't take any pills and I didn't have a pain attack.
So now it was Thursday.. treatment day.. This was going to be Ryan's first time coming with me to a treatment because usually they are scheduled for Wednesdays and he works. We still didn't know if I was going to get my treatment but it didn't matter. Off we went to Kaiser. We showed up thirty minutes early because Dr.L told me to get there early for another liver function test. Of course the computer system was down and the two receptionists had no idea what they were doing. The line started piling up and I suggested that we all just give her our medical cards and go have a seat. We went to sit in the reception area and she eventually came over with our papers and treatment bands. I gave my white copy to the volunteer at the oncology desk and she told me I wouldn't be brought back until 8:30.. Dang it. I explained to her that my doctor wanted me to come in early to run a test before my treatment. I didn't want my frustration to show because all the little volunteer ladies are nice, grandma-like ladies. She told me she would go talk with my nurse. Of course I was taken back immediately and I was happy to know that I had Sam as my nurse. She was the nurse that gave me my first treatment.
Sam inserted my IV into my port. I noticed Ryan looked away. I could imagine it being a little uncomfortable to watch. She flushed me and drew more blood for my liver function test. Another volunteer came around asking if I was interested in a warm blanket or some juice. I asked for some ice water. Ryan and I talked while we waited for my results. I kept looking at my phone because I always get notified through my email once I have new lab results. When I opened my results I was pleasantly surprised. The numbers went down a lot! Yes!
Another volunteer came and handed me a bag and said it was a gift. In the bag was a small crocheted lap blanket. It was made with multiple different yarns. There was no method to the colors or yarns used. You can tell the person just connected the next color when the other ran out. For some reason I really liked my new blanket though. It was like my garbage yarn blanket. I plan on bringing it to the rest of my treatments and its the perfect size for the girls to play on when they get older. Instead of it just being my treatment blanket I could see it being so much more. I could see my daughters playing tea on it or playing with their barbies on it. It was definitely a good gift.
My "garbage" blanket.
Sam came back over and said she was going to start prepping me for treatment. Ryan did really well but I could tell he was getting bored. The chairs they have for your guest are not exactly the most comfortable.. especially if you have to sit in it for 4 hours. We started trying to decide what we wanted for lunch and soon enough it was over. We waited around for about 15 minutes just to make sure I wouldn't have a reaction and we left. I was glad that Ryan didn't have to deal with seeing me react to treatment. I don't want ANYONE to have to see that but my mom has seen it twice and I feel like she can handle it. Ryan told me on the elevator ride down to our car that he didn't think he could handle seeing it. I personally think he could. He has had to witness a lot of scary things with me so far.
We got home and Olivia was napping. My Mom was in super mom clean mode.. which I always appreciate. Had our lunch and Dr.L called me. He said he really thought I passed a gall stone. He said especially with the spike in the enzymes and then it coming down so quickly. He also said that there wasn't a blockage because my bile levels were still in standard range. It was a relief but I still wonder if it will happen again in the future. He did say I had multiple stones. Just another surgery to look forward to. I hope to get through the rest of my pregnancy and treatments before having to get my gall bladder removed. Sometimes its weird to think about the human body. I know the liver can heal itself over time but there are some organs that do not. I know that chemo can effect your heart and other organs and that is a bit scary. My family history for heart related problems is already a concern without throwing chemo into the mix. I just pray for the best and hope that this body can get me through many many decades of life.
Pregnant with CANCER.
I came to realize that I only have 8-10 weeks left of pregnancy. This pregnancy has not been the same as my first for obvious reasons. One thing that makes me very sad is how my focus has not really been on my pregnancy... really no ones focus has been on my pregnancy. With Olivia is was all smiles and joy and asking how my pregnancy was going, how the baby was doing and how I was feeling. This time its how is your treatment going, how are you feeling and then how is the baby doing. I am not angry toward people for this AT ALL.. Its just a big change from the first time.
With Olivia I took a picture of my belly almost every week starting around 17 weeks. This time I don't think I have ever taken a picture of my belly. Its not that I am not proud or that I feel like I have been there done that.. its more like I forgot to. Its really sad to say it like that but with my treatment, the holidays and running after Olivia its harder to find time to do that. I also have a ton of ultrasound pictures I would like to upload and share with people of baby girl but I just haven't had the time to scan them and upload them. I feel like I haven't had the energy to be as excited this time and it makes me sad. Most of my feelings about the pregnancy have been centered around anxiety or sadness and its just wrong.
I have also realized is in a very short amount of time Olivia is not going to be an only child. The list of things I want to do with her before the new baby gets here keeps growing and time keeps passing. There are so many experiences that I want Olivia to have. I know she will not remember things from being this young but it would be nice for Ryan and I to have those memories and pictures. These are her last days of being an only child and I want to make the best of them.
I do not want to let my cancer take anything away from my family. Some things I would like to do before the baby gets here are take Olivia to the zoo, get professional family pictures, bring Olivia to Pena Adobe to feed the ducks, finger paint, give Olivia her first haircut, and so much more. I think these things are all achievable. Once her baby sister gets here I want to make sure she still feels loved. I want to make sure I don't lose my patience with her because I am stressed over having a newborn. I hope to find a new routine very quickly once baby girl gets here.
28 weeks pregnant.
I was informed that I cannot breastfeed this time either. I wasn't very successful breast feeding Olivia but I was also very depressed over having a c section and I was suffering from postpartum anxiety. This time I was going to set myself very short term goals and try to relax. I knew how to use nipple shields properly now, I knew that the chance of me having a c section was probable and I knew what to expect if I did have a c section. For some reason the fact that I couldn't try to breast feed really rubbed me the wrong way. I really wanted to try.. even if it was for a couple weeks. I know the benefits of colostrum and new milk and it makes me sad that my daughter would not be able to get that. It also makes me sad that I will not get to have that special bonding time with her. As a mom.. one of the most beautiful things you could do is nourish your child with your milk. I took it for granted with Olivia. Now I appreciate that I was able to do it with Olivia even if it was for a short time.
My hopes are to get induced at 37 weeks and be able to deliver vaginally. Having another c section would be ok but I really want to experience birthing my daughter. A vaginal birth would be favorable because I could heal faster and leave the hospital faster. I really do not want to be away from Olivia for four days. I also don't want to have to have someone take care of her and the dogs for that long either. I know family is perfectly capable of taking care of her but I would prefer to be home as a family as soon as possible. I also hope we have a name for her by then!!! With Olivia we knew right away. This time around we had a boy name picked out early but no girl names. We were for sure we were having a boy with how differently this pregnancy had been going.. HAHA WRONG!
With Olivia I took a picture of my belly almost every week starting around 17 weeks. This time I don't think I have ever taken a picture of my belly. Its not that I am not proud or that I feel like I have been there done that.. its more like I forgot to. Its really sad to say it like that but with my treatment, the holidays and running after Olivia its harder to find time to do that. I also have a ton of ultrasound pictures I would like to upload and share with people of baby girl but I just haven't had the time to scan them and upload them. I feel like I haven't had the energy to be as excited this time and it makes me sad. Most of my feelings about the pregnancy have been centered around anxiety or sadness and its just wrong.
I have also realized is in a very short amount of time Olivia is not going to be an only child. The list of things I want to do with her before the new baby gets here keeps growing and time keeps passing. There are so many experiences that I want Olivia to have. I know she will not remember things from being this young but it would be nice for Ryan and I to have those memories and pictures. These are her last days of being an only child and I want to make the best of them.
I do not want to let my cancer take anything away from my family. Some things I would like to do before the baby gets here are take Olivia to the zoo, get professional family pictures, bring Olivia to Pena Adobe to feed the ducks, finger paint, give Olivia her first haircut, and so much more. I think these things are all achievable. Once her baby sister gets here I want to make sure she still feels loved. I want to make sure I don't lose my patience with her because I am stressed over having a newborn. I hope to find a new routine very quickly once baby girl gets here.
28 weeks pregnant.
I was informed that I cannot breastfeed this time either. I wasn't very successful breast feeding Olivia but I was also very depressed over having a c section and I was suffering from postpartum anxiety. This time I was going to set myself very short term goals and try to relax. I knew how to use nipple shields properly now, I knew that the chance of me having a c section was probable and I knew what to expect if I did have a c section. For some reason the fact that I couldn't try to breast feed really rubbed me the wrong way. I really wanted to try.. even if it was for a couple weeks. I know the benefits of colostrum and new milk and it makes me sad that my daughter would not be able to get that. It also makes me sad that I will not get to have that special bonding time with her. As a mom.. one of the most beautiful things you could do is nourish your child with your milk. I took it for granted with Olivia. Now I appreciate that I was able to do it with Olivia even if it was for a short time.
My hopes are to get induced at 37 weeks and be able to deliver vaginally. Having another c section would be ok but I really want to experience birthing my daughter. A vaginal birth would be favorable because I could heal faster and leave the hospital faster. I really do not want to be away from Olivia for four days. I also don't want to have to have someone take care of her and the dogs for that long either. I know family is perfectly capable of taking care of her but I would prefer to be home as a family as soon as possible. I also hope we have a name for her by then!!! With Olivia we knew right away. This time around we had a boy name picked out early but no girl names. We were for sure we were having a boy with how differently this pregnancy had been going.. HAHA WRONG!
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Third/fourth treatment.
My third treatment was pretty normal until we got into the car to leave. I was really hungry and just wanted some BJs soup. We left to go to the resturaunt and I started getting the chills and shakes in the car but insisted that we wait it out. After about fifteen minutes in the BJs parking lot my mom drove me back to kaiser. She wheeled me back up to oncology and they basically treated me the same. Gave me another tylenol, wrapped me up in warm blankets and waited it out. My body was so tense that it felt like I had just run a marathon. It took longer to calm down than it had the first time.They had given me the same steroids as they did for the second treatment so I no longer thought I was reacting to those. The reaction had to be from one of the four chemos. For some reason the doctor didnt seem too concerned. He said some people react differently and it can be different for each treatment.
The fallowing week we saw Dr. P and the baby was looking great. She was growing ahead of schedule and had really good amniotic fluid. He said as long as she kept growing he didnt see any reason on taking her any earlier than 35-37 weeks. It was a relief because I couldnt imagine having to leave the hospital without my baby. The longer she can stay in to cook the more likely we could leave with her. The only thing that bothered me was the longer she was still in me.. the more chemo she would be exposed to. Both my oncologist and perinatologist are confident that my placenta is protecting her from the bulk of the chemo but its still a concern. I sometimes think of how we would deal with growth restrictions or developmental restrictions. I pray for perfect health and that none of these conditions will occur.. but I am also realistic and know that there is a chance of something like that happening. I feel like if something like that did become my reality that I would do everything in my power to give her what she needed. I would also feel really guilty if she had a condition brought on by being exposed to chemo. It wouldnt be fair that her health was compromised for my health. She didnt get to have a say in this... I realize that these are all things that may not even happen so I try not to dwell on them.. or let them get me down too much. We will just have to take things as they come.
My fourth treatment was a bit of a cluster f*ck. It was scheduled for January 2, 2013. I had to get my blood work done on New Years day in Vallejo because the Vacaville infusion clinic was closed. Ryan had New Years day off so we went to Vallejo together. The clinic was about half the size and not private at all. It was just a bunch of chairs in a large room. One nurse was working the front counter and one was doing the blood draws and chemo treatments. The nurse checked me in and had me sit back in a chair. She asked me what my blood draw was for.. Really? Sometimes I feel like people lack common sense. If you are in the medical field you should at least look at the patients chart. It is amazing to me how many times nurses didnt read my chart. After waiting a good half an hour the male nurse came over to set up my port draw. He asked me what I needed it for.. Um.. seriously? Finally I said its a pre-chemo blood draw. He did his thing and we left.
Usually the lab results show up online a couple hours after my port draws. I expected them to take a little longer.. and they did. I knew how to look at my neutrophils and white blood cells and was annoyed when the results were listed in different terms. I didnt hear anything from Oncology so I thought my results were fine. My Mom, Aunt and Gram came the next morning and my Mom and I went to oncology. They sat me down and we waited for about fifteen minutes. A nurse came over and said I couldnt have my treatment. My blood levels were too low again. The flood of emotions were overwhelming. I had posted earlier on facebook about how excited I was to be a third of the way through my treatments.. Now I was being sent home. She said Dr. L wanted to delay it a week and that we would have to reschedule all of my next appointments. Great. My Mom and Aunt took off work for nothing.. I wasnt getting my fourth treatment and I couldnt really do anything besides wait for my numbers to go up.
The fallowing week came fairly quickly and I had my new blood draw. My numbers not only went up but they were in standard range. I was eating a salad!! I went to Olive Garden and got soup and salad to go. It had been at least a month since I had something raw and crunchy. It was amazing. I savored my whole salad and then moved on to my soup. My Mom came for my treatment and Kamii watched Olivia. My Gram had gotten a cold and we didnt want to chance bringing it around again. December was already a nightmare with Olivia and Ryan both sick.. My treatment went fairly smooth. We had to wait for my steroids to be brought up because for some reason they didnt have their stuff together before we got there. The nurse said I was the only patient that needed the special steroid.. well yea.. I am sure I am the only pregnant chemo patient you are treating here. She was an odd nurse. She definitely over shared about her life. I just wanted to read my book.. I didnt need to know about your two bi-polar children, your cocker spaniel with eczema, your love interest from high school or your weird medical conditions. When my treatment was over I was relieved. We waited about 20 minutes in the infusion center just to make sure I wasnt going to have a reaction. We were good to go. We picked up Olivia from Kamii's.. and went home.
The fallowing week we saw Dr. P and the baby was looking great. She was growing ahead of schedule and had really good amniotic fluid. He said as long as she kept growing he didnt see any reason on taking her any earlier than 35-37 weeks. It was a relief because I couldnt imagine having to leave the hospital without my baby. The longer she can stay in to cook the more likely we could leave with her. The only thing that bothered me was the longer she was still in me.. the more chemo she would be exposed to. Both my oncologist and perinatologist are confident that my placenta is protecting her from the bulk of the chemo but its still a concern. I sometimes think of how we would deal with growth restrictions or developmental restrictions. I pray for perfect health and that none of these conditions will occur.. but I am also realistic and know that there is a chance of something like that happening. I feel like if something like that did become my reality that I would do everything in my power to give her what she needed. I would also feel really guilty if she had a condition brought on by being exposed to chemo. It wouldnt be fair that her health was compromised for my health. She didnt get to have a say in this... I realize that these are all things that may not even happen so I try not to dwell on them.. or let them get me down too much. We will just have to take things as they come.
My fourth treatment was a bit of a cluster f*ck. It was scheduled for January 2, 2013. I had to get my blood work done on New Years day in Vallejo because the Vacaville infusion clinic was closed. Ryan had New Years day off so we went to Vallejo together. The clinic was about half the size and not private at all. It was just a bunch of chairs in a large room. One nurse was working the front counter and one was doing the blood draws and chemo treatments. The nurse checked me in and had me sit back in a chair. She asked me what my blood draw was for.. Really? Sometimes I feel like people lack common sense. If you are in the medical field you should at least look at the patients chart. It is amazing to me how many times nurses didnt read my chart. After waiting a good half an hour the male nurse came over to set up my port draw. He asked me what I needed it for.. Um.. seriously? Finally I said its a pre-chemo blood draw. He did his thing and we left.
Usually the lab results show up online a couple hours after my port draws. I expected them to take a little longer.. and they did. I knew how to look at my neutrophils and white blood cells and was annoyed when the results were listed in different terms. I didnt hear anything from Oncology so I thought my results were fine. My Mom, Aunt and Gram came the next morning and my Mom and I went to oncology. They sat me down and we waited for about fifteen minutes. A nurse came over and said I couldnt have my treatment. My blood levels were too low again. The flood of emotions were overwhelming. I had posted earlier on facebook about how excited I was to be a third of the way through my treatments.. Now I was being sent home. She said Dr. L wanted to delay it a week and that we would have to reschedule all of my next appointments. Great. My Mom and Aunt took off work for nothing.. I wasnt getting my fourth treatment and I couldnt really do anything besides wait for my numbers to go up.
The fallowing week came fairly quickly and I had my new blood draw. My numbers not only went up but they were in standard range. I was eating a salad!! I went to Olive Garden and got soup and salad to go. It had been at least a month since I had something raw and crunchy. It was amazing. I savored my whole salad and then moved on to my soup. My Mom came for my treatment and Kamii watched Olivia. My Gram had gotten a cold and we didnt want to chance bringing it around again. December was already a nightmare with Olivia and Ryan both sick.. My treatment went fairly smooth. We had to wait for my steroids to be brought up because for some reason they didnt have their stuff together before we got there. The nurse said I was the only patient that needed the special steroid.. well yea.. I am sure I am the only pregnant chemo patient you are treating here. She was an odd nurse. She definitely over shared about her life. I just wanted to read my book.. I didnt need to know about your two bi-polar children, your cocker spaniel with eczema, your love interest from high school or your weird medical conditions. When my treatment was over I was relieved. We waited about 20 minutes in the infusion center just to make sure I wasnt going to have a reaction. We were good to go. We picked up Olivia from Kamii's.. and went home.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Hair loss.
December 1 I decided I wanted to cut my hair. I had no reason to keep the length anymore. I had been wanting a cute long bob for months. The amount of split ends I had was pretty ridiculous considering my occupation. I text a few girls at the shop and Julie was able to get me in. I was really excited to have healthy hair again.. even if it was only for a short time. Since having my first treatment I didnt notice it falling out so I was pleased with that. I showed Julie this picture of Jennifer Aniston with a long wavy bob. She cut 8 inches from the back and 6 from the front. Such a relief. I wondered how many more treatments I could go through with keeping my hair.
My haircut.
My second treatment was pretty uneventful. I almost was unable to get treatment because my neutrophils and white blood cells were too low. My neutrophils were .7. Standard range was 2.0- 5.0. They said if they got as low as .5 that my body wouldnt be able to keep up with its own naturally occurring bacteria and I could end up in the hospital.. Wow. They had me come in the next day for another blood draw and miraculously my neutrophils went up to 1.5! I was able to get my second treatment. They had me get on a neutropenic diet. I needed to be very careful of the bacteria I was exposing myself to. As long as my numbers were below standard range I couldnt eat any raw fruits or veggies that were not washed and peeled, no mushrooms, no blue cheese, no bulk food bins, no raw nuts, no blue cheese, no under cooked meat, no cured meat, and no buffets or salad bars. I also needed to wash my hands like crazy and wear a mask in crowded places. They also changed the steroid I was on to a "bigger" steroid. I guess the first one they were giving me could pass the placenta and they didnt want that. I didnt have the shakes and chills this time so I thought maybe that was caused by the steroid.
After the second treatment I noticed more and more hair in my brush. I started hating to shampoo my hair because it would just fall out in my fingers. I could kick clumps of hair away from the shower drain too. When you go through chemo you have so many different things happening. So many new reactions and sensations. One of the weirdest is actually feeling your hair follicles die. At first its like a tingle itch. Instead of scratching it I started pushing on my head because when I would scratch hair would come out on my hands. I specifically remember sitting on the couch and running my hands through my hair and counting the hairs. This behavior was not healthy..
One night Olivia was crawling on me while I was laying on the couch and I felt about 100 hairs rip out. It wasnt painful because my hair was barely hanging on into my head. I just remember being so shocked. I needed that hair...I went into the bathroom to look at the damage and there was definitely a thinner spot. I learned to NOT count every hair the more it fell out. I started doing things to try and keep my hair as long as possible. I wouldnt brush it as much or wash it as much, and I tried to keep my hands away from my head. Another thing that helped get through the shock of my hair falling out was cleaning my brush out after every use so there wasnt a build up in my brush. Also rolling the hair off my clothes and wherever else it fell on to. It really helped to not see it.
I took this picture the night Olivia accidentally ripped some of my hair out.
Now I am at the point where about 50% of my hair has fallen out. I think that it looks ok if I have a hat on but I wouldnt go into public without a hat. I can feel the air on my head a lot more now. Its funny because just writing about how its easier to not see my hair makes me realize it may be easier to just shave it. Slowly but surely I am working my way in that direction. I think I may be able to get another week or two with keeping enough hair for a hat. My part has definitely widened and my sides are very sparse. I have my clippers ready for when I get brave enough to take the leap. I know it will be a relief to shave it but at the same time every time I think about doing it I get very emotional.
My biggest fear about shaving my head is seeing the cancer on me physically. I have scars from my biopsy and port but I can hide those. I feel like myself for the most part. Once my hair is gone I will be reminded every time I touch my head or look in the mirror. I will not feel as pretty or feminine. Ryan says he is going to love me no matter what. I believe he will but its still something I will be insecure about. Its going to change so many things. People are going to know that I am sick.. or have cancer. Shaving your head is like coming out to the world on a whole new level. Once I shave it I plan on wearing a wrap, hat or wig when I go out. Dealing with people staring will also difficult. I have had a little taste of this from the times I have had to wear a mask in public. Children ask their moms why I am wearing a mask. Even grown ass adults stare... I found that it is easier for me to look down at the floor than into people's faces. I know they are curious but sometimes staring is just not appropriate. Sorry guy.. you are not going to get answers by staring longer..
Some friends and family offered to shave their heads when I decided I was going to. The thought of this made me feel queasy. I could barely stomach the thought of looking at myself with no hair.. I really didnt want to see more and more bald heads around me.. especially on my healthy friends and family. It would just be more and more reminders that I had cancer. I couldnt handle that.. so with each supportive suggestion I just told them that I really wasnt comfortable with that. For them I think it was a surprising response but I wanted them to know my reasoning. I know some people with cancer find strength and support when their friends or family do this with them but I guess I have a different point of view. It would hurt me to see them like that. I also do hair.. and I want them to have their hair.. Hair is beautiful and expressive. It can say so much about a person. This is one thing that adds to my struggle over hair loss. I LOVE hair.
My haircut.
My second treatment was pretty uneventful. I almost was unable to get treatment because my neutrophils and white blood cells were too low. My neutrophils were .7. Standard range was 2.0- 5.0. They said if they got as low as .5 that my body wouldnt be able to keep up with its own naturally occurring bacteria and I could end up in the hospital.. Wow. They had me come in the next day for another blood draw and miraculously my neutrophils went up to 1.5! I was able to get my second treatment. They had me get on a neutropenic diet. I needed to be very careful of the bacteria I was exposing myself to. As long as my numbers were below standard range I couldnt eat any raw fruits or veggies that were not washed and peeled, no mushrooms, no blue cheese, no bulk food bins, no raw nuts, no blue cheese, no under cooked meat, no cured meat, and no buffets or salad bars. I also needed to wash my hands like crazy and wear a mask in crowded places. They also changed the steroid I was on to a "bigger" steroid. I guess the first one they were giving me could pass the placenta and they didnt want that. I didnt have the shakes and chills this time so I thought maybe that was caused by the steroid.
After the second treatment I noticed more and more hair in my brush. I started hating to shampoo my hair because it would just fall out in my fingers. I could kick clumps of hair away from the shower drain too. When you go through chemo you have so many different things happening. So many new reactions and sensations. One of the weirdest is actually feeling your hair follicles die. At first its like a tingle itch. Instead of scratching it I started pushing on my head because when I would scratch hair would come out on my hands. I specifically remember sitting on the couch and running my hands through my hair and counting the hairs. This behavior was not healthy..
One night Olivia was crawling on me while I was laying on the couch and I felt about 100 hairs rip out. It wasnt painful because my hair was barely hanging on into my head. I just remember being so shocked. I needed that hair...I went into the bathroom to look at the damage and there was definitely a thinner spot. I learned to NOT count every hair the more it fell out. I started doing things to try and keep my hair as long as possible. I wouldnt brush it as much or wash it as much, and I tried to keep my hands away from my head. Another thing that helped get through the shock of my hair falling out was cleaning my brush out after every use so there wasnt a build up in my brush. Also rolling the hair off my clothes and wherever else it fell on to. It really helped to not see it.
I took this picture the night Olivia accidentally ripped some of my hair out.
Now I am at the point where about 50% of my hair has fallen out. I think that it looks ok if I have a hat on but I wouldnt go into public without a hat. I can feel the air on my head a lot more now. Its funny because just writing about how its easier to not see my hair makes me realize it may be easier to just shave it. Slowly but surely I am working my way in that direction. I think I may be able to get another week or two with keeping enough hair for a hat. My part has definitely widened and my sides are very sparse. I have my clippers ready for when I get brave enough to take the leap. I know it will be a relief to shave it but at the same time every time I think about doing it I get very emotional.
My biggest fear about shaving my head is seeing the cancer on me physically. I have scars from my biopsy and port but I can hide those. I feel like myself for the most part. Once my hair is gone I will be reminded every time I touch my head or look in the mirror. I will not feel as pretty or feminine. Ryan says he is going to love me no matter what. I believe he will but its still something I will be insecure about. Its going to change so many things. People are going to know that I am sick.. or have cancer. Shaving your head is like coming out to the world on a whole new level. Once I shave it I plan on wearing a wrap, hat or wig when I go out. Dealing with people staring will also difficult. I have had a little taste of this from the times I have had to wear a mask in public. Children ask their moms why I am wearing a mask. Even grown ass adults stare... I found that it is easier for me to look down at the floor than into people's faces. I know they are curious but sometimes staring is just not appropriate. Sorry guy.. you are not going to get answers by staring longer..
Some friends and family offered to shave their heads when I decided I was going to. The thought of this made me feel queasy. I could barely stomach the thought of looking at myself with no hair.. I really didnt want to see more and more bald heads around me.. especially on my healthy friends and family. It would just be more and more reminders that I had cancer. I couldnt handle that.. so with each supportive suggestion I just told them that I really wasnt comfortable with that. For them I think it was a surprising response but I wanted them to know my reasoning. I know some people with cancer find strength and support when their friends or family do this with them but I guess I have a different point of view. It would hurt me to see them like that. I also do hair.. and I want them to have their hair.. Hair is beautiful and expressive. It can say so much about a person. This is one thing that adds to my struggle over hair loss. I LOVE hair.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Coming Out.
Before I move on to my next treatments, I want to talk a little bit about announcing to everyone that I had cancer. I had already mentioned on Facebook and to some clients that I was having a biopsy performed. They knew when I was having the procedure, and they knew that it would take about ten days to receive the results. I felt some pressure to let everyone know my results immediately after being so open about the biopsy, but I wanted to have as much information as possible before I told the world I had cancer. I wanted to know the stage and our plan for the baby growing inside of me.
In the meantime, it was nice that my family and close friends knew about everything. I could talk to them and vent when I needed. They started helping out with Olivia and bringing meals over. I also had my Mom Group that I had mentioned before. They all knew what was going on basically as soon as I did. They were all very supportive, and the out pour of love and support from them was just amazing. They started sending me encouraging cards and gifts. I am very thankful for them.
After the craziness of staging, I was finally ready to come out. Saying the words "I have cancer" was getting a little easier now. It still felt weird, but I could say it without breaking down. This also happened to be the same time we found out the gender of our baby. I wanted that announcement to come first. I didn’t think it was fair to overshadow something as significant as announcing our baby’s gender, a happy and exciting moment, with the fact that I had cancer. The day after we found out it was a girl growing inside of me, we posted our gender reveal photo of Olivia holding a pink balloon, telling everyone she was going to have a baby sister.
I waited one more day, and then I posted this:
So for the past month, we have been dealing with a very scary thing. I had some swollen lymph nodes in my neck and they started growing. My OB strongly suggested I make an appointment to get it looked at (for the second time) so I did. We made a same day appointment with a different dr. From there I was sent to a head and neck dr. Had 8 needle biopsies and then a surgical biopsy. What felt like forever later I got the call on Election Day that I had Hodgkin's lymphoma. Cancer!? But I'm pregnant! From there I was sent to oncology and staging begun. I have stage 3b hodgkins lymphoma. We also had to make the decision whether to go forward with the pregnancy. It was something we got many opinions on and researched a ton! I am going to go forward with chemo therapy ASAP. I had my port placed yesterday. They have to do one more test on Tuesday and I will be set to start treatment. All my drs have been very helpful and supportive. Friends and family have really rallied together around us and its definitely made things easier on us. I'm happy that staging and my "painful" appointments are over and I will be starting to kick this cancer out of me! I'm very confident that I can beat this all while still growing a healthy baby. If you have more questions you can personal message me. I also am taking an extended medical leave while I get through treatment so please call the salon if you would like to make an appointment. They will take care of you. As for now please keep me and my unborn baby girl in your thoughts and prayers.
So many people commented on how strong I was, and that I was going to kick cancer's ass. It was such a great thing for me to read. Sometimes I find myself going back to the post just to read those comments over again. I wanted to tell everyone of all the awful and scary things I had to go through, but I wanted to keep it positive.
One good thing I have noticed throughout this journey was a change in my attitude. I was becoming more of a positive person through such a horrible situation. I grew closer to my husband, family, God, and friends. It was always difficult for me to pray before, but praying seemed to come a lot easier now. Basically, if I was thinking, I was praying. I learned you don’t have to be on your knees with your eyes closed to be praying. I learned you don’t even need to pray out loud or say “amen”. I think it was these formalities that always made praying feel awkward for me when I was younger. But you just need to talk directly to God. Now, I talk to Him like I talk to everyone else.
Another thing I hadn’t considered was that my cancer would come up at random times in front of random people. Sometimes, it is just easier to tell a stranger you have cancer than trying to come up with a phony excuse. I went into Raleys to pick up my turkey for Thanksgiving and ran into my friend Lori, and she asked how I was feeling. A woman ordering shrimp from the butcher counter overheard us talking. She chimed in and started telling me about her battle with cancer, and then she asked if she could pray for me. My eyes started to tear up, and I told her yes. I didn’t expect her to drop her bag of shrimp and start praying right then and there…but she did, and Lori joined her. It was a very interesting experience. I didn’t care who was looking at me or what they thought was going on. I openly accepted the support and love that this stranger and my friend had for me. In a strange way, cancer has connected me to so many "strangers." I feel like anyone who is going through this is very easy to relate to. We are all friends…without even knowing each other.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)