I did not update my blog in February at all. It was a tough month for me emotionally. I felt like No matter what I was going to write it would have come out negative. I'm happy that I waited until now to write.
These are a stream of thoughts I battle with.. sometimes daily sometimes not. I do not plan on writing them out in any sort of organized way because that is not how they come.
Am I going to have to have a c section?
How am I going to be able to handle being away from Olivia for four days in the hospital?
Will the baby turn head down?
Is the induction going to be excruciating?
Probably... but what in this process hasnt been?
What if the baby is born blind or deaf?
How hard will it be to learn sign language?
What if the baby doesnt hit milestones like Olivia?
Will I be constantly comparing this baby to Olivia?
Will the chemo make the baby be born with no hair?
What if she has no eyebrows or eyelashes?
Will I heal as fast with a c section as last time since my white blood cells are low?
Can I eat salad and fresh fruits and vegetables in my break between treatment?
Will they continue to test my blood even though I wont be getting chemo?
I wonder how much energy I will have being off chemo for 6 weeks.
Who is going to stay with Olivia if I have to be in the hospital for 4 nights?
Who is going to feed the dogs and bring them in every night?
How am I going to deal with no sleep once the baby gets here?
How is Olivia going to handle having a sister?
Where will i get the patients for two?
I dont want to eat hospital food.
I hope I get a lot of visitors to pass the time in the hospital.
Will my milk come in this time?
Is the baby going to need special formula?
Can they use my port for the induction?
I hate iv's.
I am gaining too much weight too fast.
I feel fat.
I hate my arms and thighs.
When I have no hair I wont have anything to hide behind.
Should i shave it off?
Its getting so thin.
I need to cut my wig.
Is Ryan going to think i'm pretty still?
Are people going to stare?
Are people going to think I am just a weird pregnant lady that pulled a Brittany?
Will Olivia recognize me?
I wont go out without a wig or hat.
I will need to do my makeup every day.
I need clothes.
Wearing yoga pants every day is getting old.
I want to live to be 80.
I want to beat cancer and never have to deal with it again.
I cant deal with it again.
I hope I dont get some other health issue from chemo.
I dont want my girls to see me get cancer when they are old enough to understand. I dont want it 5 years from now, i dont want it ten years from now or 30 year years from now.. or even 50 years from now.
I want to be like Norne. I want to have a long life and have reat grandchildren.
I want to grow old with Ryan.
I dont want Ryan to get cancer,.
I dont want our parents to get cancer.
I wish they would eat organic.
I dont want another woman to raise my children.
Should I write a will?
I dont want Ryan to remarry.
Could I expect him to raise our kids alone?
Could I raise our kids alone?
Yes.
If I died would I want to be cremated or buried?
I want to be cremated.. and spread in beautiful places. Like lovers point at pacific grove. Beautiful.
I dont want to die.
I cant die.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Ruth.
The morning of February 4th I found out that a friend of mine passed away from cancer. She was older and she was battling lung cancer. She was my moms friend and all during my diagnoses and treatment she would call and text me. We always talked about meeting up to go wig shopping and out to lunch and never made it. Her cancer spread through out her body and her body wasnt taking to the chemo anymore. From the time her doctors decided to take her off chemo to her passing away was two weeks.. I was so blown away from it.
I noticed she had not been checking up on me and my mom told me that she wasnt doing well. This was the first person that I was going to lose to cancer since my friend Sandy. The thought never crossed my mind that it would have been so soon. I received an unmarked card with a gift card and a very sweet message in the mail. I couldnt figure out who it was sent from until my mom told me she thought it was Ruth. She had been tying up lose ends and she wanted to send that to me but didnt want anything in return. The only thing we had to go by was the handwriting and the fact that it was processed in a Sacramento post office.
When I found out she was on not doing well and on hospice I immediately tried to get ahold of her. Unfortunately I was unable to get through. I text her, called and face booked her. I knew she looked at her texts. I didnt know the condition she would be in but I hope she could have one of her children read them to her. She helped me more than she could have known. She was like my cancer grandma.. or aunt. She knew what I needed to hear at certain times. She will be missed. RIP Ruth
I noticed she had not been checking up on me and my mom told me that she wasnt doing well. This was the first person that I was going to lose to cancer since my friend Sandy. The thought never crossed my mind that it would have been so soon. I received an unmarked card with a gift card and a very sweet message in the mail. I couldnt figure out who it was sent from until my mom told me she thought it was Ruth. She had been tying up lose ends and she wanted to send that to me but didnt want anything in return. The only thing we had to go by was the handwriting and the fact that it was processed in a Sacramento post office.
When I found out she was on not doing well and on hospice I immediately tried to get ahold of her. Unfortunately I was unable to get through. I text her, called and face booked her. I knew she looked at her texts. I didnt know the condition she would be in but I hope she could have one of her children read them to her. She helped me more than she could have known. She was like my cancer grandma.. or aunt. She knew what I needed to hear at certain times. She will be missed. RIP Ruth
Monday, January 28, 2013
Bucket list.
I had posted some of these lists on Facebook but continually think of new things to add.
Things to do once my neutropenia goes away:
-Eat a shit ton of salad and fresh fruit.
-Eat eggs with runny yolk.
-Get a pedicure.
Things to do before baby girl #2 gets here:
-Take family/maternity pictures.
-Take Olivia to the Zoo.
-Start behavior training with the dogs.
-Introduce Olivia to her new potty.
-Give Olivia her first haircut.
Things to do once I am no longer pregnant:
-Go to 6 flags.
-Shoot some guns.
-Go fishing.. and really learn and take notes from my Dad. I need to know specific knots to tie, sizes of hooks and weights and different bate for each kind of fish. I also need to learn about tides and which fish are in certain bodies of water.
Things to do once my treatment is over:
-Have a celebratory drink.
-Get my family and friends together to celebrate.
-Focus on my health.. meet my goal weight.
-Return to work.
-Enjoy every stage of my hair growing out.
Things to do in the future:
-Take the girls to Disneyland.
-Go to Hawaii.
-Go to Italy.
**I will be adding to this later**
Things to do once my neutropenia goes away:
-Eat a shit ton of salad and fresh fruit.
-Eat eggs with runny yolk.
-Get a pedicure.
Things to do before baby girl #2 gets here:
-Take family/maternity pictures.
-Take Olivia to the Zoo.
-Start behavior training with the dogs.
-Introduce Olivia to her new potty.
-Give Olivia her first haircut.
Things to do once I am no longer pregnant:
-Go to 6 flags.
-Shoot some guns.
-Go fishing.. and really learn and take notes from my Dad. I need to know specific knots to tie, sizes of hooks and weights and different bate for each kind of fish. I also need to learn about tides and which fish are in certain bodies of water.
Things to do once my treatment is over:
-Have a celebratory drink.
-Get my family and friends together to celebrate.
-Focus on my health.. meet my goal weight.
-Return to work.
-Enjoy every stage of my hair growing out.
Things to do in the future:
-Take the girls to Disneyland.
-Go to Hawaii.
-Go to Italy.
**I will be adding to this later**
The girls room.
We will be having the girls share a room and I am pretty sure I want to change the theme a bit. Right now Olivia's room is pink and brown lady bugs. I think I want to have more of a no theme room.. Pale grey and pale pink. I love different prints like herringbone, polka dots, and chevron. I have been trolling etsy.com and getting super excited over the cute pink and grey things they have for nurseries. I could totally make some of the wall decor too! Between etsy.com and pinterest.com I think I could make their room AMAZING!!
Right now Olivia has espresso furniture. I think white would look a little better with pink and grey but espresso will just have to work. We still need to order another crib and mattress. I keep putting it off because its $50 more than when we bought Olivia's crib. We also have to buy the mattress separately this time. When we bought Olivia's mattress it was in store and we got a free mattress with the purchase of the crib.. not so lucky this time.
Since the girls will be sharing a room we will have it set up like this. Dresser under the window and crib on each side.
Here is some wall art that I love.. and that I think I could make myself..
Right now Olivia has espresso furniture. I think white would look a little better with pink and grey but espresso will just have to work. We still need to order another crib and mattress. I keep putting it off because its $50 more than when we bought Olivia's crib. We also have to buy the mattress separately this time. When we bought Olivia's mattress it was in store and we got a free mattress with the purchase of the crib.. not so lucky this time.
Here is some wall art that I love.. and that I think I could make myself..
And here is a rug that I love from urban outfitters.
Most of these little details are grey but the crib bedding we have is pale pink. We also have pink in other areas of the room like the changing pad cover, diaper holder, laundry hamper and sock and bib baskets. Looking at these pictures all together really excites me. I have some work to do!!
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Gall stones and fifth treatment.
I had made a heavy meal on Sunday and was definitely feeling the effects. I ate three Gaviscon in hopes that it would kill my heartburn. No matter how much I know something is going to give me heartburn it didn't seem to matter if I was craving it.. stupid hot link. Around 1:30 am I woke up with a horrible pain in my right side. I couldn't keep laying so I tried to go to the bathroom. It was an awful pain that wrapped itself around my right side and into my back. It felt like a sword was through me. I couldn't get comfortable in any position I was in. After about 15 minutes of supporting my weight on the bathroom counter I felt like I needed to wake up Ryan. I didn't know if maybe I needed to go to the ER or what. He woke up and started rubbing my back. He said it sounded like a gas bubble. Ok..well I'm not going to the ER for them to tell me I have gas. So I kept swaying and breathing and finally got into this fetal type position. The pain was tolerable enough to fall back asleep. I messaged my doctor about the pain attack the fallowing day. Of course I missed his call and tried calling him back and he never got that message.
I had experienced a dull pain in my right side the whole day and started looking into what it could be. Of course I called my mom and she immediately said it sounded like gall stones. Of course I started dr.googling everything and found out that pregnancy can make your gallbladder more reactive and that some people have to have it removed during their pregnancy. I wasn't for sure that it was even what I had but I definitely started worrying about having another surgery while I was pregnant. I finally got a hold of Dr. L and we talked a bit about what was going on. He said that my MRI did show that I had gallstones and that one was probably trying to pass. That night I managed to take my Gaviscon but I couldn't stomach the thought of taking my iron or prenatal. When I had acid reflux and took my iron it quickly dissolves it and makes a nasty taste in my mouth and throat. I woke up at 11:30 in pain. I immediately got into the child's pose and started rocking back and forth. I didn't want to wake up Ryan or the baby so I just suffered in silence.
The next morning I messaged Dr.L again. I told him about the second attack and how I didn't think it was gas pain. I looked up a diagram of the female organs and its was definitely in the liver or gallbladder area. He told me that the pre-chemo blood work will show my liver function. I went in for my blood work and the bile in my blood was normal but there were two liver enzymes that were very high. He called me again and explained that we might have to delay treatment again but he wanted me to come in so we could retest my blood and see if there was any improvement. I talked to friends and family and my step sister told me a little about her liver problems. She said that iron and vitamins can flare your liver and that I should probably lay off until I had my blood work. That night I didn't take any pills and I didn't have a pain attack.
So now it was Thursday.. treatment day.. This was going to be Ryan's first time coming with me to a treatment because usually they are scheduled for Wednesdays and he works. We still didn't know if I was going to get my treatment but it didn't matter. Off we went to Kaiser. We showed up thirty minutes early because Dr.L told me to get there early for another liver function test. Of course the computer system was down and the two receptionists had no idea what they were doing. The line started piling up and I suggested that we all just give her our medical cards and go have a seat. We went to sit in the reception area and she eventually came over with our papers and treatment bands. I gave my white copy to the volunteer at the oncology desk and she told me I wouldn't be brought back until 8:30.. Dang it. I explained to her that my doctor wanted me to come in early to run a test before my treatment. I didn't want my frustration to show because all the little volunteer ladies are nice, grandma-like ladies. She told me she would go talk with my nurse. Of course I was taken back immediately and I was happy to know that I had Sam as my nurse. She was the nurse that gave me my first treatment.
Sam inserted my IV into my port. I noticed Ryan looked away. I could imagine it being a little uncomfortable to watch. She flushed me and drew more blood for my liver function test. Another volunteer came around asking if I was interested in a warm blanket or some juice. I asked for some ice water. Ryan and I talked while we waited for my results. I kept looking at my phone because I always get notified through my email once I have new lab results. When I opened my results I was pleasantly surprised. The numbers went down a lot! Yes!
Another volunteer came and handed me a bag and said it was a gift. In the bag was a small crocheted lap blanket. It was made with multiple different yarns. There was no method to the colors or yarns used. You can tell the person just connected the next color when the other ran out. For some reason I really liked my new blanket though. It was like my garbage yarn blanket. I plan on bringing it to the rest of my treatments and its the perfect size for the girls to play on when they get older. Instead of it just being my treatment blanket I could see it being so much more. I could see my daughters playing tea on it or playing with their barbies on it. It was definitely a good gift.
My "garbage" blanket.
Sam came back over and said she was going to start prepping me for treatment. Ryan did really well but I could tell he was getting bored. The chairs they have for your guest are not exactly the most comfortable.. especially if you have to sit in it for 4 hours. We started trying to decide what we wanted for lunch and soon enough it was over. We waited around for about 15 minutes just to make sure I wouldn't have a reaction and we left. I was glad that Ryan didn't have to deal with seeing me react to treatment. I don't want ANYONE to have to see that but my mom has seen it twice and I feel like she can handle it. Ryan told me on the elevator ride down to our car that he didn't think he could handle seeing it. I personally think he could. He has had to witness a lot of scary things with me so far.
We got home and Olivia was napping. My Mom was in super mom clean mode.. which I always appreciate. Had our lunch and Dr.L called me. He said he really thought I passed a gall stone. He said especially with the spike in the enzymes and then it coming down so quickly. He also said that there wasn't a blockage because my bile levels were still in standard range. It was a relief but I still wonder if it will happen again in the future. He did say I had multiple stones. Just another surgery to look forward to. I hope to get through the rest of my pregnancy and treatments before having to get my gall bladder removed. Sometimes its weird to think about the human body. I know the liver can heal itself over time but there are some organs that do not. I know that chemo can effect your heart and other organs and that is a bit scary. My family history for heart related problems is already a concern without throwing chemo into the mix. I just pray for the best and hope that this body can get me through many many decades of life.
I had experienced a dull pain in my right side the whole day and started looking into what it could be. Of course I called my mom and she immediately said it sounded like gall stones. Of course I started dr.googling everything and found out that pregnancy can make your gallbladder more reactive and that some people have to have it removed during their pregnancy. I wasn't for sure that it was even what I had but I definitely started worrying about having another surgery while I was pregnant. I finally got a hold of Dr. L and we talked a bit about what was going on. He said that my MRI did show that I had gallstones and that one was probably trying to pass. That night I managed to take my Gaviscon but I couldn't stomach the thought of taking my iron or prenatal. When I had acid reflux and took my iron it quickly dissolves it and makes a nasty taste in my mouth and throat. I woke up at 11:30 in pain. I immediately got into the child's pose and started rocking back and forth. I didn't want to wake up Ryan or the baby so I just suffered in silence.
The next morning I messaged Dr.L again. I told him about the second attack and how I didn't think it was gas pain. I looked up a diagram of the female organs and its was definitely in the liver or gallbladder area. He told me that the pre-chemo blood work will show my liver function. I went in for my blood work and the bile in my blood was normal but there were two liver enzymes that were very high. He called me again and explained that we might have to delay treatment again but he wanted me to come in so we could retest my blood and see if there was any improvement. I talked to friends and family and my step sister told me a little about her liver problems. She said that iron and vitamins can flare your liver and that I should probably lay off until I had my blood work. That night I didn't take any pills and I didn't have a pain attack.
So now it was Thursday.. treatment day.. This was going to be Ryan's first time coming with me to a treatment because usually they are scheduled for Wednesdays and he works. We still didn't know if I was going to get my treatment but it didn't matter. Off we went to Kaiser. We showed up thirty minutes early because Dr.L told me to get there early for another liver function test. Of course the computer system was down and the two receptionists had no idea what they were doing. The line started piling up and I suggested that we all just give her our medical cards and go have a seat. We went to sit in the reception area and she eventually came over with our papers and treatment bands. I gave my white copy to the volunteer at the oncology desk and she told me I wouldn't be brought back until 8:30.. Dang it. I explained to her that my doctor wanted me to come in early to run a test before my treatment. I didn't want my frustration to show because all the little volunteer ladies are nice, grandma-like ladies. She told me she would go talk with my nurse. Of course I was taken back immediately and I was happy to know that I had Sam as my nurse. She was the nurse that gave me my first treatment.
Sam inserted my IV into my port. I noticed Ryan looked away. I could imagine it being a little uncomfortable to watch. She flushed me and drew more blood for my liver function test. Another volunteer came around asking if I was interested in a warm blanket or some juice. I asked for some ice water. Ryan and I talked while we waited for my results. I kept looking at my phone because I always get notified through my email once I have new lab results. When I opened my results I was pleasantly surprised. The numbers went down a lot! Yes!
Another volunteer came and handed me a bag and said it was a gift. In the bag was a small crocheted lap blanket. It was made with multiple different yarns. There was no method to the colors or yarns used. You can tell the person just connected the next color when the other ran out. For some reason I really liked my new blanket though. It was like my garbage yarn blanket. I plan on bringing it to the rest of my treatments and its the perfect size for the girls to play on when they get older. Instead of it just being my treatment blanket I could see it being so much more. I could see my daughters playing tea on it or playing with their barbies on it. It was definitely a good gift.
My "garbage" blanket.
Sam came back over and said she was going to start prepping me for treatment. Ryan did really well but I could tell he was getting bored. The chairs they have for your guest are not exactly the most comfortable.. especially if you have to sit in it for 4 hours. We started trying to decide what we wanted for lunch and soon enough it was over. We waited around for about 15 minutes just to make sure I wouldn't have a reaction and we left. I was glad that Ryan didn't have to deal with seeing me react to treatment. I don't want ANYONE to have to see that but my mom has seen it twice and I feel like she can handle it. Ryan told me on the elevator ride down to our car that he didn't think he could handle seeing it. I personally think he could. He has had to witness a lot of scary things with me so far.
We got home and Olivia was napping. My Mom was in super mom clean mode.. which I always appreciate. Had our lunch and Dr.L called me. He said he really thought I passed a gall stone. He said especially with the spike in the enzymes and then it coming down so quickly. He also said that there wasn't a blockage because my bile levels were still in standard range. It was a relief but I still wonder if it will happen again in the future. He did say I had multiple stones. Just another surgery to look forward to. I hope to get through the rest of my pregnancy and treatments before having to get my gall bladder removed. Sometimes its weird to think about the human body. I know the liver can heal itself over time but there are some organs that do not. I know that chemo can effect your heart and other organs and that is a bit scary. My family history for heart related problems is already a concern without throwing chemo into the mix. I just pray for the best and hope that this body can get me through many many decades of life.
Pregnant with CANCER.
I came to realize that I only have 8-10 weeks left of pregnancy. This pregnancy has not been the same as my first for obvious reasons. One thing that makes me very sad is how my focus has not really been on my pregnancy... really no ones focus has been on my pregnancy. With Olivia is was all smiles and joy and asking how my pregnancy was going, how the baby was doing and how I was feeling. This time its how is your treatment going, how are you feeling and then how is the baby doing. I am not angry toward people for this AT ALL.. Its just a big change from the first time.
With Olivia I took a picture of my belly almost every week starting around 17 weeks. This time I don't think I have ever taken a picture of my belly. Its not that I am not proud or that I feel like I have been there done that.. its more like I forgot to. Its really sad to say it like that but with my treatment, the holidays and running after Olivia its harder to find time to do that. I also have a ton of ultrasound pictures I would like to upload and share with people of baby girl but I just haven't had the time to scan them and upload them. I feel like I haven't had the energy to be as excited this time and it makes me sad. Most of my feelings about the pregnancy have been centered around anxiety or sadness and its just wrong.
I have also realized is in a very short amount of time Olivia is not going to be an only child. The list of things I want to do with her before the new baby gets here keeps growing and time keeps passing. There are so many experiences that I want Olivia to have. I know she will not remember things from being this young but it would be nice for Ryan and I to have those memories and pictures. These are her last days of being an only child and I want to make the best of them.
I do not want to let my cancer take anything away from my family. Some things I would like to do before the baby gets here are take Olivia to the zoo, get professional family pictures, bring Olivia to Pena Adobe to feed the ducks, finger paint, give Olivia her first haircut, and so much more. I think these things are all achievable. Once her baby sister gets here I want to make sure she still feels loved. I want to make sure I don't lose my patience with her because I am stressed over having a newborn. I hope to find a new routine very quickly once baby girl gets here.
28 weeks pregnant.
I was informed that I cannot breastfeed this time either. I wasn't very successful breast feeding Olivia but I was also very depressed over having a c section and I was suffering from postpartum anxiety. This time I was going to set myself very short term goals and try to relax. I knew how to use nipple shields properly now, I knew that the chance of me having a c section was probable and I knew what to expect if I did have a c section. For some reason the fact that I couldn't try to breast feed really rubbed me the wrong way. I really wanted to try.. even if it was for a couple weeks. I know the benefits of colostrum and new milk and it makes me sad that my daughter would not be able to get that. It also makes me sad that I will not get to have that special bonding time with her. As a mom.. one of the most beautiful things you could do is nourish your child with your milk. I took it for granted with Olivia. Now I appreciate that I was able to do it with Olivia even if it was for a short time.
My hopes are to get induced at 37 weeks and be able to deliver vaginally. Having another c section would be ok but I really want to experience birthing my daughter. A vaginal birth would be favorable because I could heal faster and leave the hospital faster. I really do not want to be away from Olivia for four days. I also don't want to have to have someone take care of her and the dogs for that long either. I know family is perfectly capable of taking care of her but I would prefer to be home as a family as soon as possible. I also hope we have a name for her by then!!! With Olivia we knew right away. This time around we had a boy name picked out early but no girl names. We were for sure we were having a boy with how differently this pregnancy had been going.. HAHA WRONG!
With Olivia I took a picture of my belly almost every week starting around 17 weeks. This time I don't think I have ever taken a picture of my belly. Its not that I am not proud or that I feel like I have been there done that.. its more like I forgot to. Its really sad to say it like that but with my treatment, the holidays and running after Olivia its harder to find time to do that. I also have a ton of ultrasound pictures I would like to upload and share with people of baby girl but I just haven't had the time to scan them and upload them. I feel like I haven't had the energy to be as excited this time and it makes me sad. Most of my feelings about the pregnancy have been centered around anxiety or sadness and its just wrong.
I have also realized is in a very short amount of time Olivia is not going to be an only child. The list of things I want to do with her before the new baby gets here keeps growing and time keeps passing. There are so many experiences that I want Olivia to have. I know she will not remember things from being this young but it would be nice for Ryan and I to have those memories and pictures. These are her last days of being an only child and I want to make the best of them.
I do not want to let my cancer take anything away from my family. Some things I would like to do before the baby gets here are take Olivia to the zoo, get professional family pictures, bring Olivia to Pena Adobe to feed the ducks, finger paint, give Olivia her first haircut, and so much more. I think these things are all achievable. Once her baby sister gets here I want to make sure she still feels loved. I want to make sure I don't lose my patience with her because I am stressed over having a newborn. I hope to find a new routine very quickly once baby girl gets here.
28 weeks pregnant.
I was informed that I cannot breastfeed this time either. I wasn't very successful breast feeding Olivia but I was also very depressed over having a c section and I was suffering from postpartum anxiety. This time I was going to set myself very short term goals and try to relax. I knew how to use nipple shields properly now, I knew that the chance of me having a c section was probable and I knew what to expect if I did have a c section. For some reason the fact that I couldn't try to breast feed really rubbed me the wrong way. I really wanted to try.. even if it was for a couple weeks. I know the benefits of colostrum and new milk and it makes me sad that my daughter would not be able to get that. It also makes me sad that I will not get to have that special bonding time with her. As a mom.. one of the most beautiful things you could do is nourish your child with your milk. I took it for granted with Olivia. Now I appreciate that I was able to do it with Olivia even if it was for a short time.
My hopes are to get induced at 37 weeks and be able to deliver vaginally. Having another c section would be ok but I really want to experience birthing my daughter. A vaginal birth would be favorable because I could heal faster and leave the hospital faster. I really do not want to be away from Olivia for four days. I also don't want to have to have someone take care of her and the dogs for that long either. I know family is perfectly capable of taking care of her but I would prefer to be home as a family as soon as possible. I also hope we have a name for her by then!!! With Olivia we knew right away. This time around we had a boy name picked out early but no girl names. We were for sure we were having a boy with how differently this pregnancy had been going.. HAHA WRONG!
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Third/fourth treatment.
My third treatment was pretty normal until we got into the car to leave. I was really hungry and just wanted some BJs soup. We left to go to the resturaunt and I started getting the chills and shakes in the car but insisted that we wait it out. After about fifteen minutes in the BJs parking lot my mom drove me back to kaiser. She wheeled me back up to oncology and they basically treated me the same. Gave me another tylenol, wrapped me up in warm blankets and waited it out. My body was so tense that it felt like I had just run a marathon. It took longer to calm down than it had the first time.They had given me the same steroids as they did for the second treatment so I no longer thought I was reacting to those. The reaction had to be from one of the four chemos. For some reason the doctor didnt seem too concerned. He said some people react differently and it can be different for each treatment.
The fallowing week we saw Dr. P and the baby was looking great. She was growing ahead of schedule and had really good amniotic fluid. He said as long as she kept growing he didnt see any reason on taking her any earlier than 35-37 weeks. It was a relief because I couldnt imagine having to leave the hospital without my baby. The longer she can stay in to cook the more likely we could leave with her. The only thing that bothered me was the longer she was still in me.. the more chemo she would be exposed to. Both my oncologist and perinatologist are confident that my placenta is protecting her from the bulk of the chemo but its still a concern. I sometimes think of how we would deal with growth restrictions or developmental restrictions. I pray for perfect health and that none of these conditions will occur.. but I am also realistic and know that there is a chance of something like that happening. I feel like if something like that did become my reality that I would do everything in my power to give her what she needed. I would also feel really guilty if she had a condition brought on by being exposed to chemo. It wouldnt be fair that her health was compromised for my health. She didnt get to have a say in this... I realize that these are all things that may not even happen so I try not to dwell on them.. or let them get me down too much. We will just have to take things as they come.
My fourth treatment was a bit of a cluster f*ck. It was scheduled for January 2, 2013. I had to get my blood work done on New Years day in Vallejo because the Vacaville infusion clinic was closed. Ryan had New Years day off so we went to Vallejo together. The clinic was about half the size and not private at all. It was just a bunch of chairs in a large room. One nurse was working the front counter and one was doing the blood draws and chemo treatments. The nurse checked me in and had me sit back in a chair. She asked me what my blood draw was for.. Really? Sometimes I feel like people lack common sense. If you are in the medical field you should at least look at the patients chart. It is amazing to me how many times nurses didnt read my chart. After waiting a good half an hour the male nurse came over to set up my port draw. He asked me what I needed it for.. Um.. seriously? Finally I said its a pre-chemo blood draw. He did his thing and we left.
Usually the lab results show up online a couple hours after my port draws. I expected them to take a little longer.. and they did. I knew how to look at my neutrophils and white blood cells and was annoyed when the results were listed in different terms. I didnt hear anything from Oncology so I thought my results were fine. My Mom, Aunt and Gram came the next morning and my Mom and I went to oncology. They sat me down and we waited for about fifteen minutes. A nurse came over and said I couldnt have my treatment. My blood levels were too low again. The flood of emotions were overwhelming. I had posted earlier on facebook about how excited I was to be a third of the way through my treatments.. Now I was being sent home. She said Dr. L wanted to delay it a week and that we would have to reschedule all of my next appointments. Great. My Mom and Aunt took off work for nothing.. I wasnt getting my fourth treatment and I couldnt really do anything besides wait for my numbers to go up.
The fallowing week came fairly quickly and I had my new blood draw. My numbers not only went up but they were in standard range. I was eating a salad!! I went to Olive Garden and got soup and salad to go. It had been at least a month since I had something raw and crunchy. It was amazing. I savored my whole salad and then moved on to my soup. My Mom came for my treatment and Kamii watched Olivia. My Gram had gotten a cold and we didnt want to chance bringing it around again. December was already a nightmare with Olivia and Ryan both sick.. My treatment went fairly smooth. We had to wait for my steroids to be brought up because for some reason they didnt have their stuff together before we got there. The nurse said I was the only patient that needed the special steroid.. well yea.. I am sure I am the only pregnant chemo patient you are treating here. She was an odd nurse. She definitely over shared about her life. I just wanted to read my book.. I didnt need to know about your two bi-polar children, your cocker spaniel with eczema, your love interest from high school or your weird medical conditions. When my treatment was over I was relieved. We waited about 20 minutes in the infusion center just to make sure I wasnt going to have a reaction. We were good to go. We picked up Olivia from Kamii's.. and went home.
The fallowing week we saw Dr. P and the baby was looking great. She was growing ahead of schedule and had really good amniotic fluid. He said as long as she kept growing he didnt see any reason on taking her any earlier than 35-37 weeks. It was a relief because I couldnt imagine having to leave the hospital without my baby. The longer she can stay in to cook the more likely we could leave with her. The only thing that bothered me was the longer she was still in me.. the more chemo she would be exposed to. Both my oncologist and perinatologist are confident that my placenta is protecting her from the bulk of the chemo but its still a concern. I sometimes think of how we would deal with growth restrictions or developmental restrictions. I pray for perfect health and that none of these conditions will occur.. but I am also realistic and know that there is a chance of something like that happening. I feel like if something like that did become my reality that I would do everything in my power to give her what she needed. I would also feel really guilty if she had a condition brought on by being exposed to chemo. It wouldnt be fair that her health was compromised for my health. She didnt get to have a say in this... I realize that these are all things that may not even happen so I try not to dwell on them.. or let them get me down too much. We will just have to take things as they come.
My fourth treatment was a bit of a cluster f*ck. It was scheduled for January 2, 2013. I had to get my blood work done on New Years day in Vallejo because the Vacaville infusion clinic was closed. Ryan had New Years day off so we went to Vallejo together. The clinic was about half the size and not private at all. It was just a bunch of chairs in a large room. One nurse was working the front counter and one was doing the blood draws and chemo treatments. The nurse checked me in and had me sit back in a chair. She asked me what my blood draw was for.. Really? Sometimes I feel like people lack common sense. If you are in the medical field you should at least look at the patients chart. It is amazing to me how many times nurses didnt read my chart. After waiting a good half an hour the male nurse came over to set up my port draw. He asked me what I needed it for.. Um.. seriously? Finally I said its a pre-chemo blood draw. He did his thing and we left.
Usually the lab results show up online a couple hours after my port draws. I expected them to take a little longer.. and they did. I knew how to look at my neutrophils and white blood cells and was annoyed when the results were listed in different terms. I didnt hear anything from Oncology so I thought my results were fine. My Mom, Aunt and Gram came the next morning and my Mom and I went to oncology. They sat me down and we waited for about fifteen minutes. A nurse came over and said I couldnt have my treatment. My blood levels were too low again. The flood of emotions were overwhelming. I had posted earlier on facebook about how excited I was to be a third of the way through my treatments.. Now I was being sent home. She said Dr. L wanted to delay it a week and that we would have to reschedule all of my next appointments. Great. My Mom and Aunt took off work for nothing.. I wasnt getting my fourth treatment and I couldnt really do anything besides wait for my numbers to go up.
The fallowing week came fairly quickly and I had my new blood draw. My numbers not only went up but they were in standard range. I was eating a salad!! I went to Olive Garden and got soup and salad to go. It had been at least a month since I had something raw and crunchy. It was amazing. I savored my whole salad and then moved on to my soup. My Mom came for my treatment and Kamii watched Olivia. My Gram had gotten a cold and we didnt want to chance bringing it around again. December was already a nightmare with Olivia and Ryan both sick.. My treatment went fairly smooth. We had to wait for my steroids to be brought up because for some reason they didnt have their stuff together before we got there. The nurse said I was the only patient that needed the special steroid.. well yea.. I am sure I am the only pregnant chemo patient you are treating here. She was an odd nurse. She definitely over shared about her life. I just wanted to read my book.. I didnt need to know about your two bi-polar children, your cocker spaniel with eczema, your love interest from high school or your weird medical conditions. When my treatment was over I was relieved. We waited about 20 minutes in the infusion center just to make sure I wasnt going to have a reaction. We were good to go. We picked up Olivia from Kamii's.. and went home.
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