Eva Bianca's birth story.

I woke up a few times that night very uncomfortable. I tried to get in many different positions trying to alleviate the pain I was feeling. I assumed I had just overdone it. I was only 35 weeks..Well around 2:30am I started to realize that my pain was coming in waves. About 12 minutes apart. I pulled up my contraction counter on my phone. They were getting closer and more painful. I didnt want to wake Ryan up because he had to get up early anyways for work. He had a meeting that day and would be getting up at 5am. So I went on to my online Mommy group and posted about it. I was in horrible pain around 4am and decided to stand in our bathroom. The contractions were very familiar. I had horrible back labor with Olivia and this was the same feeling. Horrible pain radiating from my back. I heard Ryan's alarm go off and was relieved. I texted him to tell him I was having contractions and that he needed to call his mom and that I was going to call labor and delivery. He called his mom and told her it sounded like I was going to have the baby right now.

For some reason the whole time I was thinking this was false labor or I would go to labor and delivery and things would slow down and I would go home. I called labor and delivery and they said to come now. Contractions were 4 minutes apart. I jumped in the shower to try and relieve some of my pain. It definitely was not helping. At this point we didn't know if Eva was head down or still breech. 

My mother in law arrived and I was trying to get myself together. We didn't pack a hospital bag, her crib was still in the box, we didn't pick out a coming home outfit,we didnt write thank you cards for the baby shower gifts, we thought we had two more weeks! I was trying to get my shoes on while having contractions on the couch. Every contraction that hit me, hit like a ton of bricks. My ass lifted off the couch with each one. My mother in law tied my shoes for me because I just couldn't do it. When we left the house I couldn't help but feel guilty. We were so not prepared, I didnt get to kiss Olivia before we left or have a sweet cuddle moment because she was asleep, and I just kept thinking that Olivia's world was going to be rocked. She was going to wake up with Ryan and I gone and she wasnt going to see me. She was going to be a big sister. Our family was going to grow.

On the way there Ryan was an amazing coach. Reminding me to breathe through each contraction. At this point they were two minutes apart and getting faster. It felt like I didn't have a break from them. I could barely think straight and remembered I needed to call my family. I also text a handful of close friends. At this point I knew we were going to have a baby. I kept praying that Eva was safe and that she was head down. I was thinking it would be so amazing if I got into the triage and they just had to deliver her right then and there. I couldn't imagine being in this pain for any longer. 

We arrived at the hospital and we had to park further than I would have liked. We couldn't find a wheel chair until we were in the hospital. Ryan basically ran me to labor and delivery. Of course the receptionist was all calm and SLOW with everything. She thought it was the perfect time to finish her conversation with her coworker.. She wanted to ask me ridiculous questions that I could barely answer. Ryan had to answer them for me because I could barely catch my breath. I went into triage and they wanted a pee sample.. Seriously? After about three nurses asked me more ridiculous questions they did a quick ultrasound to see if Eva was head down. NOPE. Oh well. Hook me up to some pain meds IMMEDIATELY!! They had to check the medications I was on. The nurse pulled up a list and started reading them off. I told her to "Just STOP" and I rattled off the few that I was actually taking. I was dilated to a three at that point and having intense contractions, one on top of the other. They basically explained that since Eva's head wasn't down that there was nothing to dilate me further.. Yea I knew that. Both my kids don't like to fallow direction. They get super comfortable in the frank breech position.

While waiting for the operating room to be set up I asked the nurse a few times "how much longer?" When the nurse was setting up my IV I felt a prick and I ripped my hand away. It definitly startled her and I told her NO lidocaine? She seemed surprised. I said I have had enough lidocaine in my life.. that I can handle the pain from the IV. I mean really.. the sting from the lidocaine is way more than the actual IV. She attempted to get the vein and missed.. AWESOME! I started crying. I couldn't hold back any longer. I was in so much pain from the contractions and I felt like this whole process was taking forever. I was upset about not kissing Olivia goodbye and I was upset about having a premature baby. I lost it. The anesthesiologist came in right when the nurse was going to attempt again and I said could he please do my IV? He did.. easy peasey. First try. I dont know why they even bother having the triage nurses set IV's. With Olivia they poked my 6 times, moved the needle around, and I had to have the anesthesiologist do it then too. 

When the IV was placed I immediately asked for something to ease the pain. I snapped at Ryan because he was blowing on me.. He said I sounded like satan. They gave me a dose of fentanyl. It helped a little.  By the time Ryan was suited up and they were having me walk to the operating from I was having to stop with each contraction. I sat on the table and leaned over hugging a pillow. It was harder to stay still this time but I did it. Once the spinal was done I laid back and felt the pain slowly go away. I felt about three more contraction and then I was numb. Aww thank you God! Ryan came in the room and I was relieved. We were going to have our baby. I was finally able to collect my thoughts. I apologized to the delivery team for anything I said while I was under the influence of contractions. HAHA! 

My nurse asked me if there was anything I needed and I asked her if I could have a hand freed from the table to touch my baby. She did that for me. Then with some pressure and a lot of jiggling I heard the gurgling cry from Eva. Eva Bianca Pace was born at 9:22am on March 16, 2013. She weighed 5 pounds 11 ounces. She was 18.75 inches long. Ryan went over to the warming table and took pictures. The nurse wrapped her up and Ryan brought her to me. I touched her hair and face. She was so tiny and soft. She had a decent amount of vernix on her skin from coming early. They were taking her to the NICU so Ryan kissed me and went with her. 

I was having some unexpected bleeding so it took a little longer to sew me up. I smelled some cauterizing tools they were using. Pretty gross. I could hear the staples going in and then I was all finished. I was so excited to get to Ryan and the baby. They took me into this post op room. I was doing fine and talking to all the nurses. I had a little bit of shakes but I was stable. I kept watching the clock because it seemed like forever that they were keeping me in this room.. away from my baby. The nurse said I had to be stable for an hour. I was in there for well over an hour. I ended up dozing off because I was alone in there waiting for a doctor to ok me to leave. I didn't have my phone but I knew all my family was there waiting. I didnt have a way to contact them or Ryan.

They finally released me from that room around NOON and wheeled me into the NICU. Ryan was there and our awesome nurse. He said he didnt let anyone come see her yet because he wanted me to be able to hold her and see her first. It meant so much to me to be able to have that special time. I wanted to hold her before I let everyone come in to see her. There was barely any service in the hospital and my phone had died. Our familes were thinking something bad was happening. When they asked the nurse, she said I was still in the operating room. I was really in the post operating room just waiting. The nurse explained that she was having a little bit of a hard time keeping her oxygen up so she would be put on a nasal cannula. Eva also had a heart monitor and and IV placed. They took her blood to get her white blood cell count. She was also on 24 hour antibiotics as a precaution until they got her blood counts back. We were both only ten days out from my last chemo treatment. The original plan was to have a 3 week break after my last chemo to give us both time to build up our blood counts.

After our visit they wheeled me to my room. I checked the clock and it was 1:30. I had the penthouse suite of the hospital. It was a double room but they were keeping that bed empty for me so my guest could sleep there. We also had a decent size tv and they kept the room across the hall vacant to reduce noise for me. I was definitely getting special treatment. While I got settled in we had our family come back in small groups. Ryan was able to escort one person to the NICU to see Eva so over the next few hours everyone was able to see her. I had the same nurse as I did with Olivia. Her name was Brenda. I couldn't believe I had the same nurse.. so I had to bring up a picture from my hospital stay with Olivia. Sure as shit it was her. I asked her for some food. I was starving. She brought me a bunch of jello. 

Once most of the visitors went home I was telling Ryan that I felt like I needed to get to the NICU. That I didn't feel like she should be in there by herself. It had been hours since I had seen her. That night my in laws brought Olivia to visit me. I was so happy to see her. She seemed instantly like a big kid. Just the day before she was my little baby and today she was a big huge toddler. My Mom and in laws worked out who would watch Olivia for the night and Ryan stayed with me in the hospital. 

Recovery from this C section was amazingly faster and less painful. I requested to get up, get my catheter out, walk, eat, shower.. I wanted to get to see Eva. She was my motivation. I hurt way less this time as well. They put me on an IV drug that was equivalent to a strong tylenol. This drug was much better for me because the stronger pain meds always made me nauseous. Every nurse that came in was so surprised at how well I was getting around and how good I was feeling. I have to say that having the knowledge of what to expect and the support and prayers of friends and family helped me tremendously. 

Eighth treatment/Chemo break.

I had my eighth treatment March 6. Most of the nurses came by to wish me luck with the baby. They knew this was my last chemo before my break for delivery. I was finally going to be able to focus on being pregnant without distraction from chemo and CANCER.

After I started feeling better I decided I should probably start seeing a chiropractor to give Eva a better chance of moving out of the breech position. I had never been to a chiropractor before and I found out that I have pretty bad posture. I carry about 14 pounds more on one side as well. He aligned me as much as he could with me being pregnant and he also performed the Webster technique. Basically he finds your round ligament, presses, and holds it for about a minute. It is supposed to help loosen the ligaments holding your womb and let the baby have more room to turn. 

Friday March 15th I woke up and had a ton of things I wanted to do. I dropped off Olivia, went to my non stress test, ate panera (YUM), went to the chiropractor for my second visit, went to the salon to visit and get a light hair cut, and did a huge grocery shopping. I unloaded all the groceries and picked up Olivia. I put away some last minute baby things at home and did a few loads of laundry. That night I made dinner and afterwards I was super tired and achy. I laid on the couch for a bit and felt uncomfortable.. I like to tell people I had ONE day of nesting..

February 28, 2013 Maternity photo shoot.

In the beginning of my pregnancy I had no desire to have maternity photos taken. I didn't have them with Olivia. mostly I think I just feel insecure when I am pregnant and didn't think getting pictures of it would be a "beautiful" thing. Once I was diagnosed and we decided to move forward with the pregnancy I was starting to think that it would be a beautiful thing to capture. My dear friend offered to take these photos for free. She had been our family photographer since Olivia was born and she does beautiful work. There was no way I would turn down this offer. Also at the time I thought I would just pay her anyways.. Accepting things for free has not gotten any easier but I know when to shut my mouth and just be grateful now.

I had the photo session scheduled for about a month and I kept telling myself I would just wear a hat or wear my wig over my hair. I wasn't happy with how my hair looked under a hat anymore. I also wasn't happy with how my wig looked. It was so much hair and I wasn't used to it. I needed to cut a side bang into it and also thin and face frame the front. Before the session I would for sure cut the wig.

The night before the photo shoot I decided to shave my head. It was the right choice. Not only was I ready for it emotionally I was happy that I could capture some "wig off" photos. I knew in my heart how powerful those pictures would be. I didnt know if I would be able to bring myself to look at the pictures for days or weeks.. but I wanted them. I wanted them for my girls. I feel like they will cherish them in the future.

That morning I put my wig on Ryan and cut it. It was super funny! He looked awful with long hair. He is always such a good sport though. I put it on myself and did a little more cutting and styled it. I actually liked it when it was staying exactly in place. I bobby pinned it and headed in to my non stress test. All the nurses liked it and it made me feel really good. After my test I went to my salon to get my makeup done. Tamika did a beautiful job on my make up. It was the first public place I felt comfortable enough taking my wig off. All the girls there are like family and I knew I wasn't being judged. Before I left to drive home I put it back on.

On the way to the shoot I started getting nervous and I had terrible heartburn. I was afraid of how remote the location would be and if there would be a lot of people looking at me. I was also nervous that the synthetic wig wouldn't picture well. I noticed that it was very shiny in the sun.. unnaturally shiny. We were late due to traffic but I was excited to see a big field and no one around. We walked on this trail and started shooting. I can honestly say that the wig on pictures were more uncomfortable than the wig off pictures. The wig hair didn't want to stay in place and didn't swoop or move like my hair used to. Olivia was being a typical toddler and wanted nothing to do with the special positions or poses. We tried to feed her but all she wanted to do was run in the field.

We went up the road a little to another field to get the wig off pictures. It was so nice to take it off. I had it on all day and it was starting to feel tight. It felt like a head band that had been on too long. Kathleen worked her magic and captured every emotion we were feeling. A few times walking on the trail I started to get a little emotional. Sometimes the weight of my situation likes to creep up on me. I felt very comfortable and natural with Kathleen taking the pictures. It was very peaceful. We all laughed a lot and had a fun time with it.

When we were walking back to our cars I was telling Kathleen how thankful I was and I had already slipped her money into her prop box. We were about to say goodbye and she found the money.. She insisted that this was a gift for me and that this was something she wanted to do for me and my family. It was hard for me to not pay her because she is so talented and she took the time to take the photos. I put my wig back on in the car and we went to dinner.

After dinner it was dark and I was comfortable taking my wig off. It was a relief. Kathleen had already come up with a sneak peek and I was SUPER excited!! I was nervous I wasn't going to like the way I looked. I knew the pictures themselves would be breathtaking but its hard to not be insecure with a new hair do and a wig I never wore up until that day. I looked at the pictures and my eyes filled with tears. I LOVED them. They were beyond powerful. More powerful and emotional than I ever could have imagined. Here are some of the pictures..

These pictures will forever be in my family. The are absolutely breath taking and I cannot wait to get the rest of them. I am looking forward to sitting with my girls when they are older and looking at them. I need to come up with a creative way to display them in my house. Its very hard to pick favorites but as my friends and family know.. I have a TON of wall space.

Thank you Kathleen Galloway for the PRICELESS (literally) pictures. Your talent is absolutely unbelievable. You are such a sweet and generous person for doing this for my family. Your photos will be a forever treasure in our home. Last but not least.. thank you for giving me the confidence I needed to accept my new haircut. Since the photo session I have gone everywhere I needed to go without my wig and I feel confident and strong!

February 27, 2013 New haircut.

The day was a normal day. I put Olivia down for her nap and decided I should shower. I washed my hair for the first time in 4 days and it felt nice to be clean. I have gotten into the habit of using all the hot water and just letting it run over my head. Its cleanses me emotionally and literally.I stepped out of the shower and looked at myself in the mirror. I almost looked through myself. Man I was getting big and my hair was getting very thin. I took some pictures of the top and back of my head to see how thin it was actually getting. I did it like this because I didnt have a hand mirror to see. As I walked out of my bathroom to get dressed I looked at the pictures and broke down crying. It was SO much worse than I thought. I guess I was in some sort of denial. I knew it was starting to look very thin coming out of a hat and I wasnt very happy with that. Here are the pictures:

 

After I collected myself and decided that today was the day I text Ryan to tell him. At first he thought I already did it and he was sad I didn't wait for him. I knew he wanted to be there for it and really.. I needed him there for support. My experience would have been very different if I had done it crying alone. I made it clear to him that I was waiting for him. We decided we would have Wah Shine for dinner. My favorite local chinese food. Mmm. The food arrived right before Ryan got home from work. I decided I would eat my fortune cookie before I sat down with my won ton soup. I had to laugh at what my fortune said.. It was seriously perfect.

Ryan's parents came by to pick up some boxes and stayed to visit for awhile. We didn't want to be rude and rush them out but I was starting to get anxious. When they left it was game on! We set up a bar stool in our front bathroom and started. Ryan was actually really excited. This is a once in a lifetime event.. He took the first pass and then I took the second and third. He finished the cut and cleaned up my neck line. Of course we played around with it and we left the front long in the "Chelsey" hairstyle. The last to go was my side bang. Once that was gone it was real. We were smiling and laughing through the whole thing. It was exactly what I needed. Olivia was watching the whole time too. I was so afraid she would be afraid of me or not recognize me after but she was just perfect. She was calling me "Mom" "Mama" and "Mommy" all through out the haircut and after. It was a relief. 

I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell people right away but then I decided I needed to. I posted pictures to face book and had an overwhelming positive response. I was relieved. I shared with everyone my crazy coincidental fortune as well. Its funny because I never thought me and my (full) older brother looked alike until I saw myself with a shaved head. 

I am lucky and thankful to have nice normal ears and a good shaped head. I was hoping to achieve more fullness by shaving it with a 6 guard but really it just shows how thin my hair actually is. Its a bit patchy but I have come to terms with it. It has been a relief to have it shaved. Everyone who has been through it who I talked to said it would be but its not something you can understand or feel until you have done it. I was not going to have another emotional breakdown over my hair.. I was going to take control.

Seventh treatment and 5K.

The week of my seventh treatment was very busy. I started weekly appointments with my perinatologist and twice a week non stress tests. So Monday I saw Dr. P and had a non stress test. The baby is still looking wonderful and in a transverse position. Tuesday I had pre chemo blood work. Wednesday I had chemo and Thursday another non stress test and Olivia's 18 month appointment. Olivia is super healthy and doing great skill wise. Up until delivery I will see Dr. P every Monday and get the two non stress tests. March 6 will be my last treatment until delivering the baby. So March 4-7 will be my last 4 appointment week. Thank goodness!!

Here is a shot at one of my non stress tests..

The 5K was set up for that Sunday. The girls at the salon really pulled it together beautifully. They made up flyers, tickets, special event shirts, raffles and a route. Some local businesses donated generous prizes for the raffle. Ryan Bates photography donated a very large photography package. My dear friend and client spread the word through her husbands Christian private school. Word got around quickly too because even people at Kaiser knew about it and participated. I had one of the nurses read my chart and say "Oh, my friend just text me about your 5K." It was such a great but odd feeling. Its hard to accept that people can be so nice and caring through all of this. 

I had my coworkers, friends, family, strangers.. participating and donating money to my family. I feel so incredibly blessed to have these people in my life. During a time where I cannot provide for my family financially everyone has really rallied around us and taken care of us. Not every family or person going through cancer is as lucky as I am. 

Thursday, Friday and Saturday I tried to keep my energy. Saturday I was feeling really tired but it wasn't going to stop me from participating in the 5K. I did make a plan to have someone pick me up if I needed. Many family members ad friends were coming to show support. I believe over 100 people showed up. Here are some pictures..

They had an extra shirt there for people to sign:

Me, my Mom and step sister Nicole:

Olivia in her own 5K shirt and her monkey kid leash... yes I leashed my child:

I made it probably less than a mile into the 5K. I started getting a cramp underneath my belly and didn't think I should push it. My coworker Julie came to pick me up. When she picked me up we drove the route of the 5K and honked and cheered people on. It was nice to be able to encourage everyone. I felt bad because I made Ryan be the very last person walking with Olivia in the stroller. Most of our family was at least a black ahead. He was able to take a short cut and catch up though. Julie took me back to the salon where the 5K started and would end and I was able to greet people as they came in. I was surprised to see a handful of people already finished when I arrived. 

I can say that the 5k was incredibly successful. I am so thankful for my girls at the salon. They have done everything they can to support me through all this. They are taking care of my clients, they have set up and participated in a meal train, multiple fundraisers including the bunco fundraiser, selling bracelets and the 5k and they continue to collect donations for me. I wish I could do more for them to show my appreciation. Love you everyone as Tasaris Le Salon!!

Sugar and spice and everything nice.

My baby shower was absolutely amazing. It was held the weekend before chemo treatments so that was great. Of course I procrastinated on anything I needed to get done around the house. Ryan and I cleaned up and put Olivia's toys away that morning. I made some cupcakes for a shower game and one dessert... that morning. The shower was going to be sugar and spice themed. I was super excited because I have been having a super sweet tooth. With the shower being at my house I didnt want to over invite people. That has always been a struggle for me. Where do I make the cut off? I care so much for so many people. I also worry about hurting people's feelings. I was very happy with the outcome though. About 30 friends and family members.

Here is the dessert table. We had lemon bars (Elisabeth made my Gram's recipe), brownie bites, coffee cake, coconut cream pie, cheesecake, banana cream pie, white chocolate covered rice krispie treats, fruit, cookies and mini cinnamon rolls.

We also had a great beverage table with Starbucks izze drinks, chocolate milk, ice water and sodas. The colors were teal, pink and brown. I loved everything!! The decor was simple but so me! Mason jars filled with spider mums and carnations. They wrapped each mason jar in burlap and ribbon. They didnt know, but carnations always reminded me of my great grandma. They were her favorite flower. They also put up this gorgeous handmade banner too. This picture doesn't do it justice. Katie spent so much time cutting each piece and choosing the right paper. Its something I will keep forever!

The games were perfect. One game was to get a plain cupcake and draw a baby on it. Each person was given their own cupcake and mini piping bag. That was super fun to judge! We also has viles of spices and people needed to determine which each spice was. That was much more difficult than I expected.

At the end of the shower everyone went home with a cake pop favor. My client and dear friend Tracy made them last minute for us. They were super delicious! I admit to eating like 5..

My dear friend Katie did such an amazing job putting it all together along with the help of my friend Elisabeth, Kamii and Kathleen. It was seriously the best day. I do not feel like anything was missing. I received so may gifts for the baby and felt so loved by everyone who came. My heart felt very full that day.

The Zoo.

The weekend after my sixth treatment we decided to take Olivia to the Zoo. As much as I was afraid of running out of energy I wanted to make that memory more. I was also very afraid of missing out on a good opportunity and good weather. This was the only weekend it was going to happen in the near future. The fallowing weekend was going to be my baby shower and the fallowing my 5K. We decided to go early before Olivia's nap. We met at my Dad's house and drove over to the Zoo.

We parked in disabled parking which was a blessing because the parking lot was huge. First we saw flamingos and ducks.. then moved on to the bigger animals. She loved the monkeys, elephants and giraffes. I think her favorite part was being able to get out of the stroller. She pet the goats and ran around the meer cat fun area. We made sure to take plenty of pictures.

This was the Zoo I grew up going to and I was so happy to share that with Olivia. We also went on the train and carousel. It was such a great day. Afterwards we went back to my Dad's and had an early dinner.