Thoughts in February.

I did not update my blog in February at all. It was a tough month for me emotionally. I felt like No matter what I was going to write it would have come out negative. I'm happy that I waited until now to write.

These are a stream of thoughts I battle with.. sometimes daily sometimes not. I do not plan on writing them out in any sort of organized way because that is not how they come.

Am I going to have to have a c section?
How am I going to be able to handle being away from Olivia for four days in the hospital?
Will the baby turn head down?
Is the induction going to be excruciating?
Probably... but what in this process hasnt been?
What if the baby is born blind or deaf?
How hard will it be to learn sign language?
What if the baby doesnt hit milestones like Olivia?
Will I be constantly comparing this baby to Olivia?
Will the chemo make the baby be born with no hair?
What if she has no eyebrows or eyelashes?
Will I heal as fast with a c section as last time since my white blood cells are low?
Can I eat salad and fresh fruits and vegetables in my break between treatment?
Will they continue to test my blood even though I wont be getting chemo?
I wonder how much energy I will have being off chemo for 6 weeks.
Who is going to stay with Olivia if I have to be in the hospital for 4 nights?
Who is going to feed the dogs and bring them in every night?
How am I going to deal with no sleep once the baby gets here?
How is Olivia going to handle having a sister?
Where will i get the patients for two?
I dont want to eat hospital food.
I hope I get a lot of visitors to pass the time in the hospital.
Will my milk come in this time?
Is the baby going to need special formula?
Can they use my port for the induction?
I hate iv's.
I am gaining too much weight too fast.
I feel fat.
I hate my arms and thighs.
When I have no hair I wont have anything to hide behind.
Should i shave it off?
Its getting so thin.
I need to cut my wig.
Is Ryan going to think i'm pretty still?
Are people going to stare?
Are people going to think I am just a weird pregnant lady that pulled a Brittany?
Will Olivia recognize me?
I wont go out without a wig or hat.
I will need to do my makeup every day.
I need clothes.
Wearing yoga pants every day is getting old.
I want to live to be 80.
I want to beat cancer and never have to deal with it again.
I cant deal with it again.
I hope I dont get some other health issue from chemo.
I dont want my girls to see me get cancer when they are old enough to understand. I dont want it 5 years from now, i dont want it ten years from now or 30 year years from now.. or even 50 years from now.
I want to be like Norne. I want to have a long life and have reat grandchildren.
I want to grow old with Ryan.
I dont want Ryan to get cancer,.
I dont want our parents to get cancer.
I wish they would eat organic.
I dont want another woman to raise my children.
Should I write a will?
I dont want Ryan to remarry.
Could I expect him to raise our kids alone?
Could I raise our kids alone?
Yes.
If I died would I want to be cremated or buried?
I want to be cremated.. and spread in beautiful places. Like lovers point at pacific grove. Beautiful.
I dont want to die.
I cant die.