February 28, 2013 Maternity photo shoot.

In the beginning of my pregnancy I had no desire to have maternity photos taken. I didn't have them with Olivia. mostly I think I just feel insecure when I am pregnant and didn't think getting pictures of it would be a "beautiful" thing. Once I was diagnosed and we decided to move forward with the pregnancy I was starting to think that it would be a beautiful thing to capture. My dear friend offered to take these photos for free. She had been our family photographer since Olivia was born and she does beautiful work. There was no way I would turn down this offer. Also at the time I thought I would just pay her anyways.. Accepting things for free has not gotten any easier but I know when to shut my mouth and just be grateful now.

I had the photo session scheduled for about a month and I kept telling myself I would just wear a hat or wear my wig over my hair. I wasn't happy with how my hair looked under a hat anymore. I also wasn't happy with how my wig looked. It was so much hair and I wasn't used to it. I needed to cut a side bang into it and also thin and face frame the front. Before the session I would for sure cut the wig.

The night before the photo shoot I decided to shave my head. It was the right choice. Not only was I ready for it emotionally I was happy that I could capture some "wig off" photos. I knew in my heart how powerful those pictures would be. I didnt know if I would be able to bring myself to look at the pictures for days or weeks.. but I wanted them. I wanted them for my girls. I feel like they will cherish them in the future.

That morning I put my wig on Ryan and cut it. It was super funny! He looked awful with long hair. He is always such a good sport though. I put it on myself and did a little more cutting and styled it. I actually liked it when it was staying exactly in place. I bobby pinned it and headed in to my non stress test. All the nurses liked it and it made me feel really good. After my test I went to my salon to get my makeup done. Tamika did a beautiful job on my make up. It was the first public place I felt comfortable enough taking my wig off. All the girls there are like family and I knew I wasn't being judged. Before I left to drive home I put it back on.

On the way to the shoot I started getting nervous and I had terrible heartburn. I was afraid of how remote the location would be and if there would be a lot of people looking at me. I was also nervous that the synthetic wig wouldn't picture well. I noticed that it was very shiny in the sun.. unnaturally shiny. We were late due to traffic but I was excited to see a big field and no one around. We walked on this trail and started shooting. I can honestly say that the wig on pictures were more uncomfortable than the wig off pictures. The wig hair didn't want to stay in place and didn't swoop or move like my hair used to. Olivia was being a typical toddler and wanted nothing to do with the special positions or poses. We tried to feed her but all she wanted to do was run in the field.

We went up the road a little to another field to get the wig off pictures. It was so nice to take it off. I had it on all day and it was starting to feel tight. It felt like a head band that had been on too long. Kathleen worked her magic and captured every emotion we were feeling. A few times walking on the trail I started to get a little emotional. Sometimes the weight of my situation likes to creep up on me. I felt very comfortable and natural with Kathleen taking the pictures. It was very peaceful. We all laughed a lot and had a fun time with it.

When we were walking back to our cars I was telling Kathleen how thankful I was and I had already slipped her money into her prop box. We were about to say goodbye and she found the money.. She insisted that this was a gift for me and that this was something she wanted to do for me and my family. It was hard for me to not pay her because she is so talented and she took the time to take the photos. I put my wig back on in the car and we went to dinner.

After dinner it was dark and I was comfortable taking my wig off. It was a relief. Kathleen had already come up with a sneak peek and I was SUPER excited!! I was nervous I wasn't going to like the way I looked. I knew the pictures themselves would be breathtaking but its hard to not be insecure with a new hair do and a wig I never wore up until that day. I looked at the pictures and my eyes filled with tears. I LOVED them. They were beyond powerful. More powerful and emotional than I ever could have imagined. Here are some of the pictures..

These pictures will forever be in my family. The are absolutely breath taking and I cannot wait to get the rest of them. I am looking forward to sitting with my girls when they are older and looking at them. I need to come up with a creative way to display them in my house. Its very hard to pick favorites but as my friends and family know.. I have a TON of wall space.

Thank you Kathleen Galloway for the PRICELESS (literally) pictures. Your talent is absolutely unbelievable. You are such a sweet and generous person for doing this for my family. Your photos will be a forever treasure in our home. Last but not least.. thank you for giving me the confidence I needed to accept my new haircut. Since the photo session I have gone everywhere I needed to go without my wig and I feel confident and strong!

February 27, 2013 New haircut.

The day was a normal day. I put Olivia down for her nap and decided I should shower. I washed my hair for the first time in 4 days and it felt nice to be clean. I have gotten into the habit of using all the hot water and just letting it run over my head. Its cleanses me emotionally and literally.I stepped out of the shower and looked at myself in the mirror. I almost looked through myself. Man I was getting big and my hair was getting very thin. I took some pictures of the top and back of my head to see how thin it was actually getting. I did it like this because I didnt have a hand mirror to see. As I walked out of my bathroom to get dressed I looked at the pictures and broke down crying. It was SO much worse than I thought. I guess I was in some sort of denial. I knew it was starting to look very thin coming out of a hat and I wasnt very happy with that. Here are the pictures:

 

After I collected myself and decided that today was the day I text Ryan to tell him. At first he thought I already did it and he was sad I didn't wait for him. I knew he wanted to be there for it and really.. I needed him there for support. My experience would have been very different if I had done it crying alone. I made it clear to him that I was waiting for him. We decided we would have Wah Shine for dinner. My favorite local chinese food. Mmm. The food arrived right before Ryan got home from work. I decided I would eat my fortune cookie before I sat down with my won ton soup. I had to laugh at what my fortune said.. It was seriously perfect.

Ryan's parents came by to pick up some boxes and stayed to visit for awhile. We didn't want to be rude and rush them out but I was starting to get anxious. When they left it was game on! We set up a bar stool in our front bathroom and started. Ryan was actually really excited. This is a once in a lifetime event.. He took the first pass and then I took the second and third. He finished the cut and cleaned up my neck line. Of course we played around with it and we left the front long in the "Chelsey" hairstyle. The last to go was my side bang. Once that was gone it was real. We were smiling and laughing through the whole thing. It was exactly what I needed. Olivia was watching the whole time too. I was so afraid she would be afraid of me or not recognize me after but she was just perfect. She was calling me "Mom" "Mama" and "Mommy" all through out the haircut and after. It was a relief. 

I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell people right away but then I decided I needed to. I posted pictures to face book and had an overwhelming positive response. I was relieved. I shared with everyone my crazy coincidental fortune as well. Its funny because I never thought me and my (full) older brother looked alike until I saw myself with a shaved head. 

I am lucky and thankful to have nice normal ears and a good shaped head. I was hoping to achieve more fullness by shaving it with a 6 guard but really it just shows how thin my hair actually is. Its a bit patchy but I have come to terms with it. It has been a relief to have it shaved. Everyone who has been through it who I talked to said it would be but its not something you can understand or feel until you have done it. I was not going to have another emotional breakdown over my hair.. I was going to take control.

Seventh treatment and 5K.

The week of my seventh treatment was very busy. I started weekly appointments with my perinatologist and twice a week non stress tests. So Monday I saw Dr. P and had a non stress test. The baby is still looking wonderful and in a transverse position. Tuesday I had pre chemo blood work. Wednesday I had chemo and Thursday another non stress test and Olivia's 18 month appointment. Olivia is super healthy and doing great skill wise. Up until delivery I will see Dr. P every Monday and get the two non stress tests. March 6 will be my last treatment until delivering the baby. So March 4-7 will be my last 4 appointment week. Thank goodness!!

Here is a shot at one of my non stress tests..

The 5K was set up for that Sunday. The girls at the salon really pulled it together beautifully. They made up flyers, tickets, special event shirts, raffles and a route. Some local businesses donated generous prizes for the raffle. Ryan Bates photography donated a very large photography package. My dear friend and client spread the word through her husbands Christian private school. Word got around quickly too because even people at Kaiser knew about it and participated. I had one of the nurses read my chart and say "Oh, my friend just text me about your 5K." It was such a great but odd feeling. Its hard to accept that people can be so nice and caring through all of this. 

I had my coworkers, friends, family, strangers.. participating and donating money to my family. I feel so incredibly blessed to have these people in my life. During a time where I cannot provide for my family financially everyone has really rallied around us and taken care of us. Not every family or person going through cancer is as lucky as I am. 

Thursday, Friday and Saturday I tried to keep my energy. Saturday I was feeling really tired but it wasn't going to stop me from participating in the 5K. I did make a plan to have someone pick me up if I needed. Many family members ad friends were coming to show support. I believe over 100 people showed up. Here are some pictures..

They had an extra shirt there for people to sign:

Me, my Mom and step sister Nicole:

Olivia in her own 5K shirt and her monkey kid leash... yes I leashed my child:

I made it probably less than a mile into the 5K. I started getting a cramp underneath my belly and didn't think I should push it. My coworker Julie came to pick me up. When she picked me up we drove the route of the 5K and honked and cheered people on. It was nice to be able to encourage everyone. I felt bad because I made Ryan be the very last person walking with Olivia in the stroller. Most of our family was at least a black ahead. He was able to take a short cut and catch up though. Julie took me back to the salon where the 5K started and would end and I was able to greet people as they came in. I was surprised to see a handful of people already finished when I arrived. 

I can say that the 5k was incredibly successful. I am so thankful for my girls at the salon. They have done everything they can to support me through all this. They are taking care of my clients, they have set up and participated in a meal train, multiple fundraisers including the bunco fundraiser, selling bracelets and the 5k and they continue to collect donations for me. I wish I could do more for them to show my appreciation. Love you everyone as Tasaris Le Salon!!

Sugar and spice and everything nice.

My baby shower was absolutely amazing. It was held the weekend before chemo treatments so that was great. Of course I procrastinated on anything I needed to get done around the house. Ryan and I cleaned up and put Olivia's toys away that morning. I made some cupcakes for a shower game and one dessert... that morning. The shower was going to be sugar and spice themed. I was super excited because I have been having a super sweet tooth. With the shower being at my house I didnt want to over invite people. That has always been a struggle for me. Where do I make the cut off? I care so much for so many people. I also worry about hurting people's feelings. I was very happy with the outcome though. About 30 friends and family members.

Here is the dessert table. We had lemon bars (Elisabeth made my Gram's recipe), brownie bites, coffee cake, coconut cream pie, cheesecake, banana cream pie, white chocolate covered rice krispie treats, fruit, cookies and mini cinnamon rolls.

We also had a great beverage table with Starbucks izze drinks, chocolate milk, ice water and sodas. The colors were teal, pink and brown. I loved everything!! The decor was simple but so me! Mason jars filled with spider mums and carnations. They wrapped each mason jar in burlap and ribbon. They didnt know, but carnations always reminded me of my great grandma. They were her favorite flower. They also put up this gorgeous handmade banner too. This picture doesn't do it justice. Katie spent so much time cutting each piece and choosing the right paper. Its something I will keep forever!

The games were perfect. One game was to get a plain cupcake and draw a baby on it. Each person was given their own cupcake and mini piping bag. That was super fun to judge! We also has viles of spices and people needed to determine which each spice was. That was much more difficult than I expected.

At the end of the shower everyone went home with a cake pop favor. My client and dear friend Tracy made them last minute for us. They were super delicious! I admit to eating like 5..

My dear friend Katie did such an amazing job putting it all together along with the help of my friend Elisabeth, Kamii and Kathleen. It was seriously the best day. I do not feel like anything was missing. I received so may gifts for the baby and felt so loved by everyone who came. My heart felt very full that day.

The Zoo.

The weekend after my sixth treatment we decided to take Olivia to the Zoo. As much as I was afraid of running out of energy I wanted to make that memory more. I was also very afraid of missing out on a good opportunity and good weather. This was the only weekend it was going to happen in the near future. The fallowing weekend was going to be my baby shower and the fallowing my 5K. We decided to go early before Olivia's nap. We met at my Dad's house and drove over to the Zoo.

We parked in disabled parking which was a blessing because the parking lot was huge. First we saw flamingos and ducks.. then moved on to the bigger animals. She loved the monkeys, elephants and giraffes. I think her favorite part was being able to get out of the stroller. She pet the goats and ran around the meer cat fun area. We made sure to take plenty of pictures.

This was the Zoo I grew up going to and I was so happy to share that with Olivia. We also went on the train and carousel. It was such a great day. Afterwards we went back to my Dad's and had an early dinner.

Sixth treatment and answered questions.

My sixth treatment went well. It was fairly uneventful which is always great! I hadn't had an actual appointment to talk to my oncologist face to face in awhile. We email a lot but he had me come in. I had to put together some questions for him the night before. I pulled this from my face book  It was my post after talking with my Oncologist.

 Lots of good news today! My last chemo before delivery will be march 6. There will be a 2.5 week break before delivery. Then after delivery I will start treatment back up 3 weeks later. My pet scan will be a couple weeks after delivery. I CAN breast feed until my next treatment. He said the chemo would leave my breast milk after about 24 hours. I will most likely supplement at the same time. He also told me that the chemo the baby and I will be getting wont increase our risks of other cancers or her getting cancer. Then he also said there are no genetic ties with HL. So my kids won't have any higher chance of getting it.. And cancer doesn't run in my family. (Besides smoking induced lung cancer.) Also my blood results came in and it looks like we have a green light for tomorrow's treatment! I will be half way done after tomorrow! 6 down, 6 to go!!

Thoughts in February.

I did not update my blog in February at all. It was a tough month for me emotionally. I felt like No matter what I was going to write it would have come out negative. I'm happy that I waited until now to write.

These are a stream of thoughts I battle with.. sometimes daily sometimes not. I do not plan on writing them out in any sort of organized way because that is not how they come.

Am I going to have to have a c section?
How am I going to be able to handle being away from Olivia for four days in the hospital?
Will the baby turn head down?
Is the induction going to be excruciating?
Probably... but what in this process hasnt been?
What if the baby is born blind or deaf?
How hard will it be to learn sign language?
What if the baby doesnt hit milestones like Olivia?
Will I be constantly comparing this baby to Olivia?
Will the chemo make the baby be born with no hair?
What if she has no eyebrows or eyelashes?
Will I heal as fast with a c section as last time since my white blood cells are low?
Can I eat salad and fresh fruits and vegetables in my break between treatment?
Will they continue to test my blood even though I wont be getting chemo?
I wonder how much energy I will have being off chemo for 6 weeks.
Who is going to stay with Olivia if I have to be in the hospital for 4 nights?
Who is going to feed the dogs and bring them in every night?
How am I going to deal with no sleep once the baby gets here?
How is Olivia going to handle having a sister?
Where will i get the patients for two?
I dont want to eat hospital food.
I hope I get a lot of visitors to pass the time in the hospital.
Will my milk come in this time?
Is the baby going to need special formula?
Can they use my port for the induction?
I hate iv's.
I am gaining too much weight too fast.
I feel fat.
I hate my arms and thighs.
When I have no hair I wont have anything to hide behind.
Should i shave it off?
Its getting so thin.
I need to cut my wig.
Is Ryan going to think i'm pretty still?
Are people going to stare?
Are people going to think I am just a weird pregnant lady that pulled a Brittany?
Will Olivia recognize me?
I wont go out without a wig or hat.
I will need to do my makeup every day.
I need clothes.
Wearing yoga pants every day is getting old.
I want to live to be 80.
I want to beat cancer and never have to deal with it again.
I cant deal with it again.
I hope I dont get some other health issue from chemo.
I dont want my girls to see me get cancer when they are old enough to understand. I dont want it 5 years from now, i dont want it ten years from now or 30 year years from now.. or even 50 years from now.
I want to be like Norne. I want to have a long life and have reat grandchildren.
I want to grow old with Ryan.
I dont want Ryan to get cancer,.
I dont want our parents to get cancer.
I wish they would eat organic.
I dont want another woman to raise my children.
Should I write a will?
I dont want Ryan to remarry.
Could I expect him to raise our kids alone?
Could I raise our kids alone?
Yes.
If I died would I want to be cremated or buried?
I want to be cremated.. and spread in beautiful places. Like lovers point at pacific grove. Beautiful.
I dont want to die.
I cant die.

Ruth.

The morning of February 4th I found out that a friend of mine passed away from cancer. She was older and she was battling lung cancer. She was my moms friend and all during my diagnoses and treatment she would call and text me. We always talked about meeting up to go wig shopping and out to lunch and never made it. Her cancer spread through out her body and her body wasnt taking to the chemo anymore. From the time her doctors decided to take her off chemo to her passing away was two weeks.. I was so blown away from it.

I noticed she had not been checking up on me and my mom told me that she wasnt doing well. This was the first person that I was going to lose to cancer since my friend Sandy. The thought never crossed my mind that it would have been so soon. I received an unmarked card with a gift card and a very sweet message in the mail. I couldnt figure out who it was sent from until my mom told me she thought it was Ruth. She had been tying up lose ends and she wanted to send that to me but didnt want anything in return. The only thing we had to go by was the handwriting and the fact that it was processed in a Sacramento post office.

When I found out she was on not doing well and on hospice I immediately tried to get ahold of her. Unfortunately I was unable to get through. I text her, called and face booked her. I knew she looked at her texts. I didnt know the condition she would be in but I hope she could have one of her children read them to her. She helped me more than she could have known. She was like my cancer grandma.. or aunt. She knew what I needed to hear at certain times. She will be missed. RIP Ruth