Diagnoses.

November 6th, 2012-
My friend Kamii offered to watch Olivia so I could go vote. The line was extremely long and by the time I got checked in I felt like I was going to throw up. I still had my biopsy bandages on and I asked the helper if she had a chair I could sit in until a booth opened. She got me a chair. I felt awkward sitting in line but I was seriously about to toss my cookies. Standing long periods of time made me feel awful. At work I had to take sitting breaks when I was applying color and doing long blow outs. It was embarrassing. Anyways.. I voted and started walking to my car while I called Kamii to see if she wanted me to pick up lunch. When I got in my car at the next light a Kaiser number called. I had gotten very familiar with their numbers. I answered and it was Dr. T. It was literally as if time stood still. He told me he had some bad news for me. I knew it. I freaking knew it! He told me I had hodgkin's lymphoma. That I would need to still get the staging done but for sure it was at least a stage 2 because of what the MRI showed and the results of the biopsy. He was very upset sounding and wanted me to come in later that day. He also wanted me to see an Oncologist. The only experience I had with Oncology was when I went to visit my dear friend Sandy in the hospital. She lost her battle to ovarian cancer in February and hearing the word Oncology shot pain through my heart and brought up feelings for Sandy. I hung up the phone and started bawling. All I could think of is Olivia and my unborn child and how i wanted to grow old with Ryan. I had no idea what this cancer meant for me. I had no idea of how curable this would be. I was hopeful that I would remain a stage 2. I drove straight to Ryan's work. At the time he was all I wanted. My rock. Through all the waiting and nervousness he was the most realistic and calming person I had. I parked in the front bays and walked up. He wasnt there. Oh my God! I look all red faced and obvious that I was crying. One of his coworkers asked me if he wanted me to get him. I said yes. He had just clocked out for lunch and ran out to me. I fell into his arms and just started crying. I couldnt even talk. Thinking of this now makes me cry. It was so emotional. He wiped my hair back and just started walking to me to my car. He new it wasnt good news. We didnt expect to know the results so soon. I filled him in while he drove us away in my car. He just took it in calmly. I told him I had an oncology appointment later that day and that I didnt want to go alone. I had planned on calling my Mom to leave work but he said he would come. I hadnt called Kamii.. or gotten us lunch. Ryan drove over there so we could pick up Olivia and he filled her in. I didnt have it in me to go inside to tell her the news. I could barely even say it in my head "I had cancer." We went home and had lunch. I called my Mom and Ryan called his Mom. Ryan's mom watched Olivia while we went to my appointment. My Mom was going to leave work early and come and talk with me in person. Im glad she did. It was just easier. All of my close friends knew about me waiting on my biopsy results. I called and told my friend/salon owner Stacy. I told her i didnt have it in me to tell everyone at work. To please do so. My Dad was going to be the hardest person to tell. I called him right before we left for my Oncology appointment. It felt like every time I had to tell a family member my heart was stomped on. My Dad is a very emotional man and I knew it would just kill him to know about this. He was surprisingly calm and just kept telling me that I will beat this and that I am strong and was very reassuring.

We went to my oncology appointment and it was on the 4th floor. I had never been up there.. It was crazy. There wasnt much up there besides oncology and heart specialists. We checked in and the receptionist couldnt find my appointment. I told her Dr. T called me today and told me to come in, that I had just gotten my biopsy done last friday and was to be seen today. She told me "it doesnt work like that, it takes weeks for patients to get an appointment after their biopsy." Well lady I'M FUCKING SPECIAL! I didnt say that but you know.. Ha. Anyways a nurse piped up in the background and said "Oh, are you Stefanie Pace?" It made the receptionist raise an eyebrow. Haha! We were brought back into the exam room and there were mostly posters of breast cancer.. mostly pamphlets with breast cancer. Whatever. Dr. L came in and he was this very well kept short asian man. He reminded me of a thinner Chow from the Hangover movies. LOL. He dressed very well. He sat down and started talking about the disease and how we were going to need to determine my stage. Once he said everything he needed to say he let us ask questions. I was surprised to know that hodgkin's lymphoma was highly curable at any stage and that you can get it from a virus. He asked if I had ever had Mono..but I didnt. Ryan had Mono when we had been together for 2 years. We were living together so i was exposed to it. I never showed symptoms of having it though. Anyways there is no way to know when I was exposed. The virus can lay dormant for years. It eventually mutated into Lymphoma cells (not for everyone.) He wanted me to get another MRI to see if my lymph nodes in my abdomen and groin were swollen. If they see inflammation in an MRI usually that meas the cancer has spread. Normally they would do a PET scan but didnt want to do that for me because it would expose the baby to radiation. He also wanted me to get a bone marrow biopsy to see if the cancer spread to my blood. That scared me. He explained that procedure a little and told me to stay off the internet, that he would take care of me. I did just that because I wasnt about to get myself more worked up. He said I would need more blood work, an echo-cardiogram  and a pulmonary lung test to see if I was strong enough to go through chemotherapy.
When we left that appointment we went straight to my OB's office. One floor down. I didnt have an appointment but I was talking to her through emails and she said I could pop in. I hadnt had an ultrasound since confirming I was pregnant at 7 weeks. I was now 17 weeks pregnant and had no knowledge of how the baby was handling this. We were brought back in to the room and I looked at Ryan and told him we could probably know the sex of the baby if we wanted to. He said "dont be mad but I dont know if I want to know." At that moment my heart broke a little. I know the day was overwhelming but this is still our baby. My OB came in and she gave me a hug. I asked if she could do a quick ultrasound to make sure the baby was doing ok. She did. The baby looked absolutely perfect. She asked if we wanted to know what we were having. I looked at Ryan and he said ok. She said thought we were having a boy but she wasnt sure. I burst into tears. We really wanted a boy. Since she said she wasnt sure I didnt want to tell anyone though. My OB also said that she wouldnt be seeing me anymore. That I would be referred to a perinatologist. Someone who specializes in high risk pregnancies. Wow.. I didnt even think that I wouldnt be able to see my normal OB.

That night was definitely exhausting. I kept looking at my daughter and crying. She was only 15 months old.. she needed me. I want to do her hair for prom, and see her get married and have kids. I want to be really old and wrinkly with Ryan. I dont want to die. Telling my close friends and family was hard. Some harder than others. I told my friend Katie and she immediately burst into tears. Of course that made me burst into tears. It was just awful to tell people. Although I was hurting and scared it was like I had to call people and break their hearts too. It was definitely the hardest part. I called a few more friends and started sending some texts because I couldnt bear it anymore. I left telling some family members up to other family.
I had so many thoughts and questions going through my head that it amazes me I was able to sleep. I think I was just so tired from the day. I didnt know what was going to happen. A big part of me wanted to sacrifice myself for my unborn child. I thought that if I went through staging and I was still a 2 I would put off chemo therapy until after I could have the baby. I didnt want to expose my baby to chemo. Then the thought of miscarriage entered my head and the thought of termination. When talking to my ONC he did mention that some patients who find out they have cancer while pregnant will do a voluntary termination of their pegnancy. I was NOT that person.