With Olivia I took a picture of my belly almost every week starting around 17 weeks. This time I don't think I have ever taken a picture of my belly. Its not that I am not proud or that I feel like I have been there done that.. its more like I forgot to. Its really sad to say it like that but with my treatment, the holidays and running after Olivia its harder to find time to do that. I also have a ton of ultrasound pictures I would like to upload and share with people of baby girl but I just haven't had the time to scan them and upload them. I feel like I haven't had the energy to be as excited this time and it makes me sad. Most of my feelings about the pregnancy have been centered around anxiety or sadness and its just wrong.
I have also realized is in a very short amount of time Olivia is not going to be an only child. The list of things I want to do with her before the new baby gets here keeps growing and time keeps passing. There are so many experiences that I want Olivia to have. I know she will not remember things from being this young but it would be nice for Ryan and I to have those memories and pictures. These are her last days of being an only child and I want to make the best of them.
I do not want to let my cancer take anything away from my family. Some things I would like to do before the baby gets here are take Olivia to the zoo, get professional family pictures, bring Olivia to Pena Adobe to feed the ducks, finger paint, give Olivia her first haircut, and so much more. I think these things are all achievable. Once her baby sister gets here I want to make sure she still feels loved. I want to make sure I don't lose my patience with her because I am stressed over having a newborn. I hope to find a new routine very quickly once baby girl gets here.
28 weeks pregnant.
I was informed that I cannot breastfeed this time either. I wasn't very successful breast feeding Olivia but I was also very depressed over having a c section and I was suffering from postpartum anxiety. This time I was going to set myself very short term goals and try to relax. I knew how to use nipple shields properly now, I knew that the chance of me having a c section was probable and I knew what to expect if I did have a c section. For some reason the fact that I couldn't try to breast feed really rubbed me the wrong way. I really wanted to try.. even if it was for a couple weeks. I know the benefits of colostrum and new milk and it makes me sad that my daughter would not be able to get that. It also makes me sad that I will not get to have that special bonding time with her. As a mom.. one of the most beautiful things you could do is nourish your child with your milk. I took it for granted with Olivia. Now I appreciate that I was able to do it with Olivia even if it was for a short time.
My hopes are to get induced at 37 weeks and be able to deliver vaginally. Having another c section would be ok but I really want to experience birthing my daughter. A vaginal birth would be favorable because I could heal faster and leave the hospital faster. I really do not want to be away from Olivia for four days. I also don't want to have to have someone take care of her and the dogs for that long either. I know family is perfectly capable of taking care of her but I would prefer to be home as a family as soon as possible. I also hope we have a name for her by then!!! With Olivia we knew right away. This time around we had a boy name picked out early but no girl names. We were for sure we were having a boy with how differently this pregnancy had been going.. HAHA WRONG!
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